Border of knowledge
An August. There is something in this month that makes my condition way worse, nothing related to curent events- it simply happens that I lose that little will and inspiration I have and that I usually spend whole month thinking that it was way more than enough and it's about time to give it all up, yet nothing helps me to feel better. Every year in August I come to some way of self-destruction which more or less leaves the consequences or at least memory of that ( just to mention that I actually have problem with memory last few years and curently can't remember most of the things from my life, but I still remember some things in small details), I even almost died in August at several occasions. Here I first think of 2013th (described on the beginning of the story "Scale of sanity"), same as 2016th (it still was September the 1st, that's how it's written in note, but it was followed by an August filled with mental breakdowns).
I was hoping that I will spend this August as peacefull as possible, eventually with some minor breakdowns, but it seem it's not gonna happen. Several weeks ago I have finally finished with fixing all mistakes in stories, for month and a half I have worked that both Serbian and English are clear for reading, gramatically and orthographically correct (as much as possible on English version as it's not my native language) and without minor typing mistakes (I type everything on my phone, starting from stories to these "articles" or however you want to call these nonsenses I am writting), I was really glad when I finally finished everything before that certain August because I had a feeling that my condition will get worse. But no... It's pointed out to me on one more mistake for which I admit I didn't even know I am making, it turned out that I am illiterate even through I am upgrading for years to write and speak as correct as possible, I went to the Serbian language's school competition and had almost all the 5's on that sybject (it's equall to A in American system)- I was also good in English through it became better when I started praticing on my own, but I NEVER EVER before have heard about rule of leaving space after a punctuation in printed/typed text before. So, it turned out that I am illiterate and that I am stupid for someting that I don't even rememember if we have mentioned or not, I admit it insulted me. I had read a lot of articles, books and magazines but I never have payed attention to that space, I was interested in what was written and concentrated on it.
You can notice that now I use certain rule (on English versions I use it even more because text gets separated automatically) and I have no problem to admit if I make mistake somewhere- if I made a mistake than I admit I did, no problem about it, but problem is because it turns out I have to fix stories AGAIN as I made that mistake everywhere, probably in everything I had ever posted on the internet including this blog, stories, comments, posts on social media, jokes from the page "Katarina i kompanija" ("Katarina and company")- completely everything. In the moment I felt like the whole world was falling apart, like everything I did in my life was wrong and all because of one damn space- I feel like everything I have ever learned in my life is falling into the water in front of one more rule created by people. No matter how much I appreciate grammar, orthography and well-talking I want to send it all to the hell, it's the fact there is at least hundreds of rules and I don't know how someone expects you to know all of them (now multiply it if you work with more than one language). Here I am trying to highlight something else: knowledge isn't a static thing, it can be developed with a time- you are not stupid if you don't know something now and you are willing to learn, nobody has right to degrade you for something you didn't have a chance to learn yet. It's true that some things get repeated in the school and these things remain familiar to us, but what about all these facts that are less mentioned, should we know all of them as well? I was a good student and I admit that I got sick of all these informations from which most of them I forgot, I honestly can't even remember what happened yesterday. Anyhow, I hope that other intelectual individues will also get that not all of us own knowledge from the same areas and that we don't have the same experiences in life, but that doesn't mean someone should be degraded for it. No one knows everything no matter how much he/she consider himself/herself smart.
Even I don't feel like living anymore and I feel I am completely losing myself and falling into a damn abyss I will still AGAIN go through all stories, but I wanna say that I don't give a damn for grammar, orthography, atomic physics or whatever it takes to know to publish a goddamn story. They say man is learning while he is alive (old Serbian sayings), it's just I don't feel like living anymore, let alone learning. Perfectionist in me must finish it, she kills me with her unreasonable high standards for which I don't even care anymore and yet I have an obsession to finish it because I can't calm down if I don't fix it. Hopefully I will find some inspiration and for that trivial venture. If I survive this August as well, of course. If not... big deal. If it only was the biggest mistake in my life so it can be fixed eventually. Some things can never be fixed again.
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