Missed life... literally.

Back in 2012, somewhere at the beginning of the third year of high school, I wrote the song "Missed life". It seems that the song is much more true now than it seemed at the time. Even then, I felt that something did not go well, but now, at the age of twenty-five, that song has a much stronger meaning. Looks like ... I missed everything.

I'm not talking here about the standard human comparison with others and the feeling that our life is not good enough in relation to other people, as is usually the case, but about overestimating our own capacities, by which I mean health. During my childhood, I didn't think too much about how not treating mild symptoms would affect the future, and the adults around me didn't take it seriously, it even turned out they considered me a liar on several occasions because I constantly said I was sick. I said I had a cold, and I really did. Maybe it instilled in me to some extent the need for someone to take me seriously, even if I had to wait a long time for it, because I couldn't do anything about it myself (I didn't have health care at that time, and I haven't had it for years), and the situation worsened slightly as time went on. Wish I have just  made everything up, and if everything was actually all right - I could live with it. This hurts me more because I was telling the truth, but they ignored me. It’s nothing new for other things in life either.

In our house, we have always been treated with alternative medicine and non-prescripted pills, but that principle served more to mask or alleviate the problem than to cure it. Over time, these health problems became chronic, both for me and my parents, making it much more difficult for us to function in life. My most serious health problem is certainly the psyche, which many don't even take seriously as a health problem, but it literally ruined my life - depression drains my energy and prevents me from making any big changes in my life (which is one of the reasons why I didn't go to college ), I have no need for socialization and love, I feel like I've been dead for years and that's how I declare myself, I've been to the point that the death of my physical being is close several times anyway. On the other hand, (social) anxiety makes me panic about anything and everything, and it bothers the people around me and they get mad at me for it. In addition, it creates problems with my stomach, which has created additional problems at school since the fifth grade because my stomach gets upset when someone is nearby, and I still have the same problem, so it upsets me as soon as I leave the house, so I prefer not to go anywhere unnecessarily. As I hit my head from the age of twelve, for some time now I have been planning to do exam of my head to see if I have brain damage from the hits I inflict on myself during a panic attack, the headaches become more intense and there is a slight weakening of vision and loss of concentration and heavier memory, it is possible that these strokes are the cause.

I was obsessed with not being able to have a single absence in school, I don't even know how that fixed idea was implanted in me. One of my theories is that I wanted to be equal with other children, but due to extra weight and silent nature I was constantly degraded and ignored, I had the illusion that they would appreciate me more if I was constantly present, and that was true for both schools. Many times I came to school with fever, pain, nausea, in high school even under the mild influence of pills and alcohol that I would have taken the night before, and often with wounds that required stiches, which I never did because I let the wound to heal on its own no matter how much it hurts, and they hurt like hell on several occasions. In very rare cases, I would stay at home due to illness, I would certainly not recommend anyone to play a hero because nobody receives any reward for that. However, it was said that in high school, students without absences receive not paying for bus for the next year (the school has organized transportation because it is far from the city), it would mean a lot to me because my parents were unemployed and we had no income. I don’t know about the other students, but I didn’t get that. In the fourth year, as a fool, I paid for the bus for the first semester and went to school walking because of the crowds on the bus, literally every inch of bus was crowded as there were several departments in it. I only took a ride for my 18th birthday when I had classes at afternoon, and driver almost threw me out because I didn't bring PAID bus ticket, I didn't even carry it when I was already walking to the school and back. By the way, the ticket was never asked for in the afternoon, I don't know why he had to humiliate me as well, all that on damn eighteenth birthday. What a beautiful memory.

And so, over time, I developed several illnesses that got worse over time, and I even started to panic from going to the doctor so, it seems, there is nothing of that. I could eventually gather the strength to go to a psychiatrist, but more serious and professional one than the one I went to once during anorexia and got indifference and questions that have nothing to do with my current condition, simply to finally get a professional diagnosis because no one takes me seriously even though I observe my condition for years. I’ve written about my condition in stories like “13 Deaths”, if you think that’s the epitome of a mentally healthy person then I don’t know if I’m lying or you’re not well either, I really don’t know. Voices in my head keep telling me that no one believes me and that people think I'm boring, I can't take them anymore - at the same time I know I have a problem, and voices tell me either I'm not in state bad enough to seek help, or not to waste someone's time in vain because someone like me can't be helped. That's why I would to like at least do a head exam or to get a diagnosis from a more professional psychiatrist, I need proof not only for the people around me, but also for the voices from my head. These voices, as far as I have come to a logical conclusion, are created by the words and condemnation of individuals by the society that surrounds us. They are a reflection of my perception of our society, something made from my personal experience and something from other people's experiences, and therefore I have trouble trusting people and feeling comfortable around them, a feeling of uneasiness is always present because of the belief that the concept of condemnation is grounded in society. Well, I would know more professionally to explain such a things to the psychiatrist and to possibly make it easier for him to make a diagnosis, unless he thinks I'm lying like everyone else did.

I recently had a brief discussion with a religious person about the concept of suicide; namely, that person condemned me in a way a years ago for my suicidal thoughts (as if it were something that could be controlled just like that), persistently imposing her opinion on me that it was the greatest sin. I know she will read this someday, and I don't like sharing the conversations I have with other people because of their privacy, so I won't go into details, but that person's attitude left me in awe - as she shared something about people who talk about suicide should be taken seriously (or something like that, but in any case the announcement was the opposite of what she told me earlier), I asked her what happened to heaven and hell thing from before, on which she replied with "it is not a sin if they have asked for help before." I didn't want to get into the discussion, but the fact is that (as I wrote in some stories) people mostly ask for help, only some like me don't do it directly. Sometimes a person cannot seek the help of a doctor for some reason, even to complain directly to someone (and rarely does anyone take it seriously!), but almost all of us leave at least some "trace" that something is wrong. If anyone was interested for my case, they had enough time to see what the situation was like, the link to the blog (where the stories are) was posted on Instagram (and my profile is public), and I shared the link on the Facebook page and Twitter on several occasions, even Tumblr and Deviantart where I post my drawings and photos. Who was interested had about two years to enter the link, although I don't give a damn anymore about it because the time when something could have been done is long gone. Yes, I asked for help back in the past, trying to subtly send signs so that it would not turn out that I was just asking for attention. Mostly students from my class knew something about it, but it turned out just like that, as if I was doing it all for attention, as if I was dramatizing and lying. Ever since elementary school, I wanted an adult to notice that something was happening, it would be logical for parents to notice such things first, but the damn municipality occupied them by paying fines to thieves, thanks corupted court for bringing us to poverty, although even without that there was always something in the way. I'm not angry, I've been going through this alone for years and now I would mind if someone interferes, and it's better to moan for me for a day or two when I finally die than to bother about an idiot who has nothing good to give to this world. Like an old torn transistor - if it doesn't work and can't be repaired, and a nicer and more functional new transistor is available, then use what can be used from it and throw it to hell. That's how I define myself. Why anyone needs a small broken transistor when the world is full of better and more usefull devices, even if they break a little at least they are worth repairing, it is better to break me with a hammer and throw me into the fire.

I applied for that unfortunate project "My first salary" (there are job positions and we apply for them, goverment made it so young people without experience find a job easier, but there are a lot of flaws in it), considering that this year we could not register the truck and the only source of income we had was that we would sell some concrete figures at the minimum price, we hardly have anything left when we take the price of fuel and material, but there is at least so much that we do not starve and get to pay for electricity from time to time. I was looking for a job in this area on several sites before, mostly offering or working from home (selling some products, I'm not stupid and I know the more sellers you have that particular seller earns less money due to competition, we have experience selling our products so we know how to goes), or are occupations outside my profession for which higher education is required. And so, I went to see what's around here and to be able to do it, my condition is that there are no short sleeves because my arms are in very bad condition (so, the bakery industry is out of choice, plus it's scary for me to wear a white pants, I hate it 😵), and as a vegetarian/vegan, I have clearly defined since school that I will not go to work in any factory where the killing and sale of animal body parts takes place. If that sounds spoiled to any of you, just ask yourself if you could watch people being killed and processed as food, and to me animals are as valuable as humans (sometimes more because their souls are purer than ours). Knowing myself, I would commit suicide with that pneumatic gun that kills animals at the entrance to the slaughterhouse, I couldn't bear to see scared and crying animals (yes, animals cry too, only they don't yell like a man when something bothers them), those poor creatures who are destined from the first breath to be treated as a product, as they are led down that path where at the end death awaits them, and then the cutting of their limbs and innards, to be sold as a food product and not as a body part of something that used to be alive. I hate when I go shopping with my parents and then we have to go to the butcher's together, it's not pleasant for me to go into that store and avoid when I can, I'm just lucky that my father also likes vegan food so we often eat the same food together.

I found three offers that have to do with my profession, so I did a little research on what I need for that. I learned that my profession needs a sanitary booklet (work in food processing technology), and it turned out that people who work in some of these jobs related to childcare, food industry, medicine and cosmetics (direct work with people) must have that confirmation. And here, I return to the beginning of this article - because of all those untreated colds and flu and untreated diseases that will "pass in a day", it turns out that I am not a suitable candidate for my profession. So, everything I went through in those four years in high school, learning, passing with great grades, attending every class, absolutely everything was in vain. I feel like I've missed everything in life, like there's no use out of me anymore. I’m not strong enough to be a physical worker, I’m not healthy enough to be what I was educated for, I’m not talented enough to officially be an artist, I’m not professional to be anything else (although I have a few interests, I still can’t officially be any of that without completed education, eg psychologist). I have nothing left of all that potential, I feel like the biggest fool in the world. I don't feel sorry for myself, on the contrary, I'm angry with myself for being incapable of everything, or I simply don't have a luck for such a things. I don't have more energy for new beginnings, so it seems that this is a dead end, maybe someone would say that I'm just complaining (for your information I hardly have conversations with people, so don't worry, I avoid being so boring in real life, I write this here because it's so much easier for me than talking to someone who doesn't care, at least you don't have to read if you're bored 😵), but I haven't been able to move from this deadlock for years. Only art has inspired me to some extent, but that little energy I have is completely drawn out of me. If there was no desire to ever release at least some songs (as I started to put Acapella songs, my wish was to form a band and make metal music for them, but I didn't succeed in that either, but this is better than nothing ), I would probably have killed myself a long time ago, as I had planned since I was sixteen. It’s not that I haven’t tried in the meantime, but that feeling that it’s not all over slowed me down. I feel that I am getting closer to completing the whole, to reaching my set artistic goal, even in an incomplete form. I wanted to share my voice that I've been practicing with people for years, so this is close enough to the goal, and maybe ... just maybe ... at least I won't feel like I've wasted my life, because for all these years I've been working on something which meant the most to me.

PS: In some of the songs, you can hear that I have a throat problem, even though I drank bunch of tea and put menthol ointment on my sinuses and neck while I was recording. That would alleviate enough that I could record something, but I wouldn’t be sure anymore that I could sing longer without a sore throat due to illness. And so, that's how my idea of ​​a band evaporated, what is the point when I'm ill even for that. 😐