Lollypop, English version (2018) - full story

The story is not suitable for age under 16, potentially depressing, disturbing and shocking scenes, auto destructive scenes, the use of alcohol and pills, milder curses, sarcasm, the end specific to me (just to mention if you were expecting a happy story because of the title :|).

The story doesn't serve to insult, I wanted to beat some of my inner problems and this story helped me in that, otherwise I no longer have anything against anyone from the story, all negative things I wrote were based on my bad experience with these people and the current bitterness (which was reduced after this story), but also I don't want to glorify anybody, especially not myself. This is the work of fiction, subjective because otherwise it couldn't be written, it's a little meaningless but what should I do, that's how I wrote it. Don't follow my steps from the story, it got obvious till now that I'm not really sane :|
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31.1.18 15:30 Wednesday

 * No matter how much of the nebulouses I have wrote in my life, there are great chances that they will not be even closer to this one- even idea of it makes it such a complication that I have no idea how to assemble this mess. This story has nothing to do with lollipops or with pleasant childhood events. It came to my mind to call it "Lollypop," why the hell not. No, the other part will not be called cotton candy, I don't even know what to do with this story. Indeed, I have inspiration more than a swamp has frogs, the only problem is when these frogs jump over my head and want to get out. Therefore, here are the frogs, I mean the story:

 Once upon a time lived one me who, as commonly known if someone has read my stories, lived in her small, disturbed world full of loneliness, music, melancholy, fear and so on. And so, one day one me received one letter from one place to inform me about one nonsense. Competition. I'm not interested, thank you. From all the groups in the country they choose us, hell yeah I believe it. I don't know what this stupid thing is, how they found us ...? I read the rules, I'm drawn out as Blueberry. I always wear black, it would be more logical for me to be blackberry, or extra-fried food, or coal. Blue is my favorite color, but what does it have to do with this? Man, this is such a nebulous. The more I read, everything was less clear to me. Our group is participating, we wear the colors of our fruits, a prize of twenty-five thousand euros, accommodation is provided in the evening, we are divided into seven small groups ... wait, twenty-five thousand euros?! For that money I can buy a house in a better place. Maybe I could ... to sell my psyche, do I need it? However, maybe I would buy peace for the rest of my life. I'll try, what can I lose? Life? Huh, that's lost anyway.

 The journey lasted for several hours, but I knew it was nothing compared to what was waiting for me. At least I was sure that I would have enough sedatives and for the rest I would manage somehow. I came earlier, there's no one but me, so I took a time to sit on the bench. Sitting, I watched the people around me. They rush as a flies, good to them. Sometimes I wish to go somewhere, without any reason, to feel the freedom. I thought deeply ... what if in my group there will be one of those who insulted me? Aye, I didn't think about it. I have to think about money, I need it, and I will ignore them somehow. What, I must also lie to myself sometimes.

 They appear. I am turning volume up on my headphones so much that there is already a slight danger to my hearing, maybe it seems to me because I turned on Arch Enemy loud as hell, if I took something less aggressive there wouldn't have been such a problems. "You will know my name ..." Of course they will, they will know. Hopefully not for killing someone, but for the victory. The heat is calming down, just like the growl from my headphones, they start to read our names and fruit names. Why not, I will write fruit names, I am bored to think of false names for all of them. Blueberry ... everyone looks at me to see what I look like. It's almost unpleasant that everyone is staring at me, but I've already put dark makeup on so I wouldn't even recognize myself. Wow, they are laughing. I should be a "stand up" comedian, they would laugh only when they see me ... I would be successful, maybe I would make a lot of money.

 They separate us in groups. Not with Orange, not with Orange ... She's drawn out. What a honor, she seems like she would have a speech over this. The second member of the group ... not  me, not me ... Raspberry. She was always good to me, nice girl, I suppose she will endure Orange somehow. Third member ... Grape. Extremely silent, he will get bored completely. I'm so sorry for him.

 Group two: Melon. I can't stand that guy, we will probably fight with each other if we are in the same group if he says something to me again. Pineapple - genius, undoubtedly the best in natural science of all of us, I hope that I'm not in this group neither. Mango- we were not really in good relationships, but we're not in the same group anyway.

 Group 3: Pear - we would stand each other, we were friends for a while. Apple- the only true friend in this whole group, somehow always  with Pear. I'm not in this group neither, Strawberry is with them. She's a very nice girl too.

 Group 4: Cherry - we weren't so often in touch, neutral feelings. Banana- we had some disagreements. Apricot - Cherry's BFF from school, the same neutral feelings, but I have to note that they are both beautiful, just like most girls here. If I only didn't bother to come this ugly among these beauties.

 Group 5: Watermelon - for the short time he spent with us he didn't stay in bad memory. It would be fine to be with him in the group. Lemon - something I always liked about her, she's kind of different from the others , somehow spontaneous, I find it interesting. The third member is ... Quince. You might say princess, that's how others saw her, it was not interesting for me to look her that way, I know she's more than just beautiful girl like most of them saw her. It would be boring if we were in the same group, we are completely different.

 Group 6: Uh, I'm probably here. There are less scary people left. Plum - Nice boy, we weren't arguing. The Walnut - a more witty member of our group, besides that unspoiled. The third is a berry, but not me. Blackberry- we have a common darker line and the agreement was average. She was pretty interesting and fascinating to me, she still is.

 Group 7: I've got to be in this group, but who's left? Lime - agreed best with Blackberry, I think she's okay. Blueberry, the complete lunatic and the biggest fool who ever walked the earth, we never tolerated each other and ... oh, no. No. Not him. Almond . If this happened before he became a married man now I would stretch my lips in a blissful grin, thinking that after the competition we will be together. Now, I don't know whether to cry or laugh, I was just shockedly looking at him ...

Almond: "Hi. You and I are in the group." Me: "Yes ... well, I saw you were married. I wasn't expecting that from you. " Almond: " Yeah, now I'm married. You have someone?" Me: "No ... I have other goals in my life ... Congratulations on marriage." Almond (smiles): "Thank you. I want you to find a soulmate too." I (thinking): "For God's sake, don't do this to me, it hurts me like hundreds of swords in the body." I nodded nervously and waited for further guidance.

 We were housed in a hotel, I drew out to be in the room with Apple. Apple: "Are you better? "I:" No, but I took enough pills to relieve stress. " Apple: "Listen to me, don't hurt yourself in any way, speak to someone when you have a problem. I know you and don't make me worry." Me: "It doesn't matter will I do that or not, I'll break in any case . I hope that nobody will find out about my mental problems. " Apple: "I'm not going to tell them, but I'm telling you to take care of yourself. You look more sad than before, hope there won't probably be  problems with others so that your condition worsens." I: "I will do my best and I wish you luck in this competition." Apple: "Also, I will be glad any of our teams will win."

-

 Another silly morning of my life and there were too many of them if you asked me. I knew that, if they saw me, questions would be directed at one thing: "You've lost weight! How?" I don't really know about talking of starvation and torturing myself, I won't give them a reason to gossip me from the beginning. Unfortunately Orange, that little creature that has seen and heard everything, already knows everything. I have to avoid her as much as possible these days, I have no nerves for her. If I have, I wouldn't break contact with her.

 Breakfast; I sit alone and ask for a simple meal- boiled vegetables, a salad, an integral bread and a yogurt. I  ate my meal while staring at the painting on the wall. Blackberry (approaches): "Are you on a diet?" I: "No, why? If you ask for this, I'm usually eating like this. I've been a vegetarian for several years now. " Blackberry: "Really? That's how you lost weight?" I: "No, I've learned a lot about food and how it works. It's my profession, anyway. In the highschool they gave me a diagnosis of diabetes, so I need to be careful not to overdo it with sugars and carbs. "

Blackberry: "How come you are not with Orange? You two were inseparable." Me: "Hell yeah inseparable ... I realized that this "friendship "was toxic to me. She looked me as a funny person, and I just wanted not to be alone. After all the things that happened to me she acted like it doesn't matter. Of course, I am always insignificant to everyone. Sorry, I went too far." Blackberry:" Now you intrigued me- did something bad happen to you? " Me: "It's too heavy  story to be digested for breakfast." (Lime comes) Hi. " Lime:" Hi. You're talking? " Blackberry: "Yes, I was just asking Blueberry about losing weight. She's a vegetarian!" Lime: "Really?" Me: "Yes." Lime: "Tell me too."

 And so, after a few minutes of chatting, Almond came and Blackberry joined her group. Almond: "At eight we start, are you ready?" Lime: "Yes, all packed, just to finish breakfast." Me: "Yes, I'm surprised you've gotten up so early." Almond: "Yes, I had to. (seeing I get up) Where are you going?" I (seeing that Orange comes in and sit again): "Nowhere. (peeking if she sees me from there) I just wanted to see something." Almond: "Aren't you going to say hello to her?" Me: "Who? Me? Nope. I'm not here." Almond laughed, and I continued to stare at Orange, hoping she wouldn't notice me.

 Eight hours- they gave us the destination and transportation ... bicycle. Okay, fine. Thank you for giving me this little one, I seem to be the shortest here, these bigger ones would be like riding a horse. Backpacks on the back and ...go! We all have chosen the same path, there was no need for improvisation, we will all arrive till the evening anyway. Groups that don't appeared till the dark will be at a loss, as the new challenge begins tomorrow at eight in the place we go. And so, we arrived one by one to the dark, tired of a long ride. As we rested, they gave us a skate in hands and said that tomorrow we would reach the destination with it. It is assumed that many of us didn't have the clue to drive the skate.

 Almond: "This will be hard one." Me: "You were driving a skateboard for fingers on the geography class, but this is different." Almond: "You remember that?" I: "Well ... yes, by chance." Although GPS and the Internet are banned during the challenges, Google is not banned during the break. I (to Lime and Almond): "Google knows everything. There are some tips, we could use them." Lime: "Good idea. (Looks) Here, there's some informations what kind of slope should be, but we'll have to practice a bit."

 On the concrete surface behind the motel a lot of us looked incredibly funny. The sixth group was lucky, Plum was a skilled skater. I think I mastered the basics, and those bruises that I made on this occasion we'll will skip, I'm always covered with clothes anyway.

 Evening, staring at the ceiling, thinking of those judgmental glances during the day, occasionally sipping brandy from the little bottle and waiting for a dream. Lime's entering the room brought me back to reality. Lime: "You sleep? What is it?" I: "My highschool friend, alcohol. Would you like some? " Lime (laughs): "I won't, thank you, I have to drive a skate tomorrow. Maybe you shouldn't exaggerate either, alcohol brings a headache." Me: "Not to me, I tolerate it well. They gave a beer when I was a child, now I'm more comfortable with heavy alcohol, although you are right that I should not overdo it. I took enough to rest my head. It calms me on a short track. " Lime: "You used to be silent before and you didn't hang out with others often, even some wanted to get to know you better." Me: "The problem was with those who were laughing at me, so I thought you all hated me and thought the same. I haven't had any problems with you, but I grew up thinking that I shouldn't trust to anyone ... I wish I had first eliminated Orange in that selection, but she already knew too much. I had to break that circle, in recent years she has mocked me for some serious things. I wish I could delete what I told her. " Lime: "So, you weren't very close?" I: "I thought I could count on her, but it looks like I'm a lower class, and she is something immaculate. It would be all the same for me, until she finds a chance to remind me on some things. Man, this gathering is like a some messed up time capsule. " Lime: "It is, it's so weird how much everyone has changed, and yet you've spent months with them before. I saw you in the highschool, so you're not very different to me, but some others are like completely different people. They were at colleges, in relationships, some even in marriage, some have been hired ... You just wonder if you could have any more, are you on the right track, yet again at the same time you feel satisfied when you see what you have achieved. Maybe that's because everyone has different goals in life. "Me: "I agree. "

 The next day, eight hours: a shorter track than yesterday, but it will be harder to get to the finish. We come a little bit, kicking our feet on the ground to continue driving. My blue blouse is wafted in the wind, I like the feeling of wind in my while I maintain a balance on this nonsense. Hope they won't give us to jump on pogo-sticks, it would be way too much. All the members of my group are nearby, we didn't argued like some other groups.

 We arrived at afternoon, though much later than yesterday. Lime talked with her brother Watermelon, and I sat with Almond. I: "Do you remember the Swedish entry at Eurovision 2009? I know you liked that song." Almond: " Oh, yes ... what was it called? " I: "La Voix. It's performed by Malena Ernman. I like to sing it, but I don't know how to spell a part in French, I mumble something. ( laughing)" Almond:" It's a great song, the heights she performs... "I:" It's not too high, D6 is the highest note, although she has performed F6, ie two notes above in the "Queen of the Night" aria. It's fascinating for mezzo-sopranos. . " Almond: "Yes, it is not easy to sing in all the registers, all the vocals have their rank that fits them." I: "Ie tessitura. Only vocalists like soprano sfogato can sing both middle and high register without problems. A character soprano too. " Almond: "You want to remind me of the song? Sing to me if doesn't bother you, it doesn't matter for words." Me: "Okay (I'm starting to sing, trying not to ruin the part where I don't know the spelling)"

 The spring wind takes innocent pink flowers of cherry to me while I sang, making me feel like a princess from a fairy tale where the animals jump joyfully while the princess sings a melody with a gentle voice. There is also a prince, but he shouldn't be mine anymore. He was. Now he is someone else's prince. Man, this is such a messed up fairy tale.

Prince looked at me in disbelief, not believing his ears. Almond: "Where did you learn to sing like that?" Me: "I was practicing on my own by studying my favorite bands and singers, but also some opera divas. I needed a few years for it. " Almond: "Do you know anything else?" I: "Of course, I was trying to make my metal band, I know a certain amount of lyrics." There were others who noticed that I was singing, so they wanted to hear. A few seconds of thinking and started: "

We used to swim in the same moonlight waters, the oceans away from the wakeful day. My fall will be for you ..."

 Nightwish had a lyrics that I would like to sing to Almond. My favorite band had more of such a songs, but there is no purpose to sing them all. Ghost Love Score ... in this story I am the ghost. I looked at him and began to pull away the cherry blossom from hair, and then I went along with the explanation that I have to take something out of the bag. The real life doesn't work with someone calling you to come back, taking in his arms and kissing you, and then follows the idyll of love that lasts forever. Well, okay, I wouldn't like to kiss, it looks weird, but knowing that you just have to leave is awkward. If another girl was on my place she would break that "Married" sign to pieces, but I have principles and I respect the winner. I've gotten used to after a lot of defeats.

 The sun went down and I had the luck to have a window facing the west, so I enjoyed the beauty of sunset. One of the most magnificent things I've ever seen in my life. Sunset. This day is one more thing that ended forever.

 I went to the bathroom and locked the door, just in case. My little metal friend helped me to get out the tears I kept in my eyes, with these being blood tears from my arm, which didn't bother me. It doesn't hurt, just felt how blood runs through my skin, looking for where it can fall like rain drops, and the pain has long since faded away. Maybe this means that  time is slowly killing me and turning into a bigger shell.

 Again bottle in my hand, I sat on the floor this time. Someone was knocking at the door. It's not Lime, she would come in. Someone called Lime, so it was not Orange. I will open, whatever. Lemon stood in front of the door. Lemon: "Is Lime there?" Me:" No, she was the last time outside with Watermelon, I don't know where she is now. " Lemon: "Okay, I'll look up for her. Are you okay? Why are you sitting alone?" Blueberry: "I, well ... arrange some work and stuff. Who knows what we are doing tomorrow, so I said to finish it now." Lemon: "Okay, I'll see you. (waving and moving on) " I went to the bed and fell asleep.

-

 The new challenge required us to go north and the vehicle was a train. Although it sounded easy we had half an hour to get on a train that leads to a certain city-if somebody misses 15 minutes there is a train to a place 50 km further, and who is late for half an hour can get to a distant capital city, which would be almost twice as further. The first train was at nine, so we had to elaborate the tactics by half  to nine.

Lime: "To take a taxi from here?" Me:" What if there is a traffic jam? We need to find a faster solution. " Almond: "To run there?" Lime: "We couldn't hold on for a long time." Me: "The station is five kilometers from here, in normal traffic we would arrive in ten minutes. It's the same with a motorcycle, while the bicycle is about twenty to thirty, and for walking almost an hour. You want on risk so we try with taxi? " Lime: "Yes, and from school we would be back with a taxi when we were hurrying, but we would wait for it for a long time, you would arrive halfway when we go." Almond: "What are we going to do with food? We won't arrive to buy it." I: "I bought a biscuits and a bit more, if we have to we'll buy more on the station. We have to catch the first train however we know." Lime: "Remember the name of the motel, I have an idea - we'll walk, then call a taxi to pick us up in the meantime, just to explain to him which street we are going on... (reads the map of the city) Yeah, here is the name of the street, we are here. We are going here, aren't we? Almond (looking at the map): "Yes, it's a long street. We could run until we find a taxi, we'll save time." Me: "Okay, maybe we'll find a taxi in the meantime if the one we called doesn't arrive quickly enough."

 Time starts ... now! Our group runs as fast as it can, hurrying to find a cab, in the meantime calling the taxi service, just in case. There were other solutions, such as waiting for taxi, hitch-hiking, walking, cycling. It was a great idea we went before we called because the group that waited at the beginning barely arrived for the first train. Before we reached the station there was a traffic jams and, because of time savings, we ran again and arrived for the first train on time.

 Almond : "This was the first time I saw Blueberry running. (Laughs) " I: "Hey! (laugh) Shut up, I'm dead." Lime: "The fourth group has arrived, the fifth group and us. We are not bad. High five! (We throw the" high fives "to each other) Now we can relax." Almond: "I'm really sorry that the Grape is in a weak group ... Although Raspberry is not weak, but I don't know about Orange ... It will be good if they arrive for the next." Me: "The train starts, do you see anybody else ? " Lime: "No. Hey, here is a third group too, they made it." I smiled at Apple as a sign of the congratulations that her group succeeded.

 The train leaves the station, four of the seven groups are boarded for a direct destination. Melon, Pineapple and Mango arrived after ten minutes, angry that they had missed the first train. Mango :"There you go with your streetcar, we are late!" Pineapple: "It doesn't have to mean we will not get there, we'll just have a little bit of problem later." Melon: "Let me see if a train is going there ... (searching on the internet) Yes, it's there tonight about half past nine." Mango: "Search for a bus." Melon: "There are buses at the time that suits us and the stations are close. We have luck in an accident." Pineapple: "Don't tell this to the next group, we must arrive before them." The group six came two minutes after them, making a plan to continue the train journey. The first group was lagging behind making Raspberry  somewhat nervous, but neither Grape could stay calm. The minutes shared them until boarding.

 In the end, groups 2 and 6 entered the train, while the group 1 took the ticket almost before train left the station and boarded on the second train.

 During that time, we dismantled the table that was in the extension of the seat and made small sandwiches with biscuits, toast-cheese and salami (for them) and carrot (for me). Lime: "How did you manage to think of this? (takes one) When you bought this? " I:" Early this morning, I didn't want to go for breakfast. I was looking around to find something that could be put into the backpack without being scattered, yet to contain proteins, carbohydrates and fats. I wish I could bring a lot of vegetables, but only the carrot was safe for me because of the low percentage of water. " Almond: "This will satisfy us more than chips." I: "I have some integral snacks, we will be full by tonight."

 After the meal the rest of the group fell asleep and I looked through the window. I played the music I liked ...

"Once I traveled 7 seas to find my love, and once I sang 700 songs, well maybe I still have to walk 7000 miles until I find the one that I belong ... "

 While he was sleeping, "Eversleeping" reached my ears. I looked at him, but as if I hadn't seen the same person anymore. Honestly, I didn't even see the same person in the mirror anymore, let alone anything else.

 We are crossing the bridge. I looked into the river under the bridge, so deep and quiet, I felt like this was all in vain and that maybe money wasn't thing I need for peace ... Apple's voice returned me back from thinking: "How's it going?" I (nervous): "It's good ... Everything's great."

 The hours passed, but it seemed like eternity. The monotonous plain didn't help, on the contrary, I lost myself among the prairie. It's not the first time, that plain had worsened my darkest thoughts and many years ago. If I had a poison in my hands I would drink it without thinking, but I only have this alcohol. It will be enough.

 Lime (waking): "You drink again? It's still a day." Me: "There is no time for me, just a need." (returning bottle into backpack) "Almond:" Are we close? " Me: " It seems so, the city in the distance could be seen. We've finally arrived. "

 We went out and went to the motel. Banana (approaches): "Oh, you really drink! (makes a grin) Do you have a little for me?" (burst into laugh)" I (the same reaction):" Oh, for God's sake, that would be too much for you, I don't know if it would hurt you. (getting serious) Believe me, you don't want that damnation, I consume because I have to, that's the last thing you need. I just don't know what the hell you have against me. " Banana: "Nothing." I: "Really? I'm glad we cleared it. I'm not an alcoholic, I'm just so sick of seeing that I can't reach what I'm struggling for. I don't know what hurts more, trying or the failure that follows. Therefore, many of us starts with something addicting, so the ruins look less painful. " Banana: "What are you so negative? You're too young to talk about broken dreams." I: "Life is transient, youth is short. (I look at him sadly) Although we didn't agree, I would never wish you to see the world with my eyes . I also used to be witty, I was a cheerful child ... My humor disappears, everything that is beautiful disappear. I am not really someone for joke. " Banana: "Okay, I won't annoy you then." Me: "Whatever you want, I'm in a phase that I'm not interested in anything else. I'm no more interesting."

 Evening. I drew out to be in the room with Pear and Lemon, but I don't care anymore. I went for a walk while evening fell.

 The sky became dark blue like my heart, then black like my thoughts. I sat down on the bench and stared in front of me, then I decided to go back to the train station. I was on the platform, waiting for a train that would make me like Anna Karenina. One of it came to station, so I set out to be ahead of him. "Blueberry, wait!" - I turned and saw the Blackberry. Blackberry: "You arrived now?" Me: "No, we arrived three hours ago." Blackberry: "So what are you doing here? You're going to the motel?" Blueberry: "I have a something to do here, go to rest." (the train started off) Damn, it's gone. I have to wait for another one. "Blackberry (confused):" What do you need train for, this is the destination. " Walnut: "Are you going?" Blackberry: "Come on, let's go together." Me: "No, I'll come later." Blackberry: "Okay, see you."

 I noticed the problems in my plan, so I got away from the station. If this group arrived maybe the first group is also somewhere near, Orange knows too much and would presume what I'm doing here.

 I went back about nine o'clock in the evening, which was surprisingly late for me. Pear and Lemon were in the room, surprised to see me. Pear: "Orange looked up for you. Where have you been until now?" I: "I hope she didn't find me, I really don't know where I am anymore. " Lemon (confused): "I guess when you see someone, then you found that person." I (taking a box from the bag): "Unless a person don't know where she is, so she loses herself. If I only know where am I lost ... ( going to the bathroom) "Pear (to Lemon):" She lost her mind. She took some pills over there, did you see what were those? "Lemon:" I didn't, they seem like any pills. Why are you asking? " Pear: "I want to know what wrong to her, maybe she has become dangerous, I will not risk."

 I swallowed five sedatives, washed them with a few sips of alcohol and I went out. I (to Pear): "I will not hurt you. I will not hurt neither Lemon, nor someone else. If I wanted to kill you, you would already sing the wonderful harmonies in Eden Garden. (I go to the bed a bit stumbling) " Pear: "How do you know that ...? "Me:" The engineers were saving on sound isolation during building. I heard your conversation. " Lemon: "What kind of pills were those?" Pear: "Lemon!" Lemon: "What?" I: "For sleeping, I have a sleeping problem. They also have the effect that I no longer transform into a werewolf and scare the local population ... Good to me, good to them. Good night." Lemon: "Good night." (to Pear) You see it's nothing. "Pear:" She's still strange to me. " Me: "I'll take it as a compliment. (smile) "

-

 The next day we went from the north to the west in an unusual manner - with a balloon. In addition to the group there was another expert man to make everything safe during the flight. The problem was that many are afraid of heights or have dizziness at large height. I'm in the second group, I don't understand whether it's because I have low blood pressure or something.

 We flew, I have to admit that it was not easy. I just curled on the bottom of the basket because I couldn't stand the shudder of my feet (it's ironic, I know, that a person who is able to jump out of this balloon can't even stand in it...). Almond: "Come on, come and see how nice the look is from here!" I: "Okay, but I feel dizzy from this air." While he stood next to me, and the wind passed through my hair, it was as if I were in that scene from the Titanic .... It's true that Rose could have been dead if Jack hadn't come to save her, so then there wouldn't be that scene, but these are the details I usually notice. I: "Doesn't this look like a Titanic scene, except that down is green, not water?" Almond: "Yes, (laughs) I didn't notice.We miss the song from the movie to be a real experience. "

 I started singing, at one point our eyes met, but I quickly shifted my head to the side. Did he understood? Would it change something? Why am I doing all this if I tried to remove it from my head? Some corpses are better not unearthing, no matter how much gold is on them, except that it would mean nothing to me. This relationship should be over in my head and to postpone it to eternal rest with all this gold and jewels, not to dig it out just to see the splendor of what is not mine and that can't be returned to the same form I wanted. My ideal has been demolished for a long time.

 When I finished the song, which also calmed me down, I looked in front of me. Almond: "You remember when we were on the shore once? You were embarrassed to remove your clothes. You're still wearing long sleeves all the time." Me:" It was the first and last time to go to the shore, I prefer mountains, hills and hidden parts of nature. You've been accustomed to it since you were kids so you didn't have a problem with it. " Almond: "When we were kids you came more often, after it we rarely saw each other." Lime: "You were home friends?" Almond: "Yes, we've known each other since kindergarten." Me: "One of the rare friendships in my life, we spent a lot of time together before they forced me to hang out with those who didn't suit me." Lime: "I didn't know you've been known each other for so long." Almond: "We were playing, watched cartoons ..." Me: "Digimons. (laughter) "Almond:" Yes, we watched Digimons, played hide and seek ..."

 As we talked about childhood, it was hard for me to imagine that a married man was before me, but also difficult to imagine myself with him. What started as, what would be said on English, "crush" , it should have stayed that way. This whole thing was created for the same reason as all the confusion in me- I always thought that the way it is, it remains like this forever. If I love someone I will love him forever, if someone hurts me he will always hurt me, if something is mine it's mine to keep it and it's always in my possession. It's not as if someone was trying to clarify the child's beliefs, they had more important work, fortunately I became aware that things change- the fact that depression shows only the static side of reality doesn't mean that only that side exists; it took me a long time to understand it, but it was worth it. This whole gathering showed me that people really change, including me. If nothing else at least I'll give myself a reason, that important reason why this relationship wouldn't work. It will be enough.

 While from the other balloons occasionally were heard screaming because of height, from our was heard a conversation. I even took the opportunity to sing "Walking in the air", it was somehow an inspirational moment.

 This game didn't make sense to me at all - why do we all arrive at the same time, where is the effort? I don't guarantee that I would win this way, but I feel like I'm at the excursion, except that I have grown up (I mean, by age, by height I'm only a several centimeters taller), and I can choose what I eat. Who wanted this kind of competition? Wait a minute ... No, it's too early to figure this out and to clear this doubt. Here we go, like, that didn't come to my mind I'm quiet.

 We arrived. Without the big problems (as if had been any of them so far), we are going to the hotel. We drag people, Strawberry pulled me out. Strawberry: "Is there something clear to you about this? It doesn't make any sense."  Me: "I'm putting together pieces in my head, but I want to explore a little to make sure. I think there are some weird logic, very weird, I just don't understand- why us?" Strawberry: "Yes, yes, why there aren't and the others?! You see it's so weird!" Me: "I'm going to check around, will it bother leaving you alone?" Strawberry: "Don't worry, I'll go to Raspberry. Good luck!" Me: "Thank you. I won't be out for long time, I'll walk a little around the building."

 I didn't mean about one important thing when I walked the hallway ... Orange (coming out of the room, looking at me): "Blueberry! We have not talked yet and ..." I: "I'm in a hurry, they called me." Orange (follows me): "I'm going with you." Me: "I have to go alone! Listen, go ahead and do something else, I'm not really sane at the moment. Leave me alone. Please." (I continue walking, hearing the steps behind myself, so quickly changed the direction and ran down the stairs and then got lost in the corridors.) Classic, she wanted to follow me again. I think I have escaped from her. "

 I was wandering in the hallway, I don't know what I expected to find behind the closed doors. Hearing, one voice cut me out. I was right again. I have to run somewhere so she can't see me if she gets out of the room. "First they will find a bus stop, and then we will tell them which city they are going to. At that time, we will arrive with the car in ... (this and that city), we will be able to see a town a little bit. The fact is that not everyone will buy a ticket for that first ride, maybe all seats will be filled. Well, that will be a surprise factor. Eventually, the three groups will succeed, that bus is always full. "- came from the room. Hmm, this is a great thing - I don't know if this is cheating, but I don't give a damn. I'm going where I have to. No, not in the toilet, but at the bus station! Maybe I would have heard something else, but I would feel too guilty, this is enough.

 Morning. As I already heard, we went to the bus station, there were really more and more people. I took Lime and Almond to the side. I said: "Listen, don't ask anything, I have tickets for the bus we are going with. In order not to be suspicious I'll move around the counter and I'll come while you two save the place for me. We have places 48, 49 and 50, take whichever you want. I'll explain everything, I'll let you know that we will be one of the top three groups that will enter this bus . Just calm down and behave normal, get into crowd with other passengers so other groups won't notice you, show the tickets and put my backpack in my place. Deal? "Lime (in wonder):" Sure, but are you sure about that? How do you know?" Me: "I heard something accidentally, it would be stupid not to use it."

 As soon as they said the destination, I ran to the counter where the others in panic wanted to buy a ticket, along with the passengers from earlier. At that time Lime and Almond, with the other half of the passengers, seamlessly entered the bus, occupied places and saved one for me. When I was sure that everyone was busy I went out and seamlessly entered the bus, showed the ticket and the sat on place. I (exhale): "If I survived this ... Uh. We did it. I can't believe it." Almond:  "Now seriously, where did you hear about this?" I: "I went to the corridor and I heard ... a woman who talked about it. Coincidence. I just walked, I didn't intend to eavesdrop or something." Lime: "Bro, how lucky are we!" Almond: "The second group has also bought tickets." Lime: "Okay, we'll keep silent about this, this was pure luck."

 For the great joy of group 6, Walnut got the last three tickets and the bus could go. A long journey, thanks to the heavens on my rich music library.

 We arrived first, so the rest took the time to rest. I, on the other hand, couldn't keep calm, I had to find out what was the purpose of this. No, I didn't find out tomorrow's task. I didn't get anything because, apparently, they weren't in this hotel. Good, I'm going to the room. I hope I won't argue with Mango, we weren't in very good relations. The room was empty, great for me. I sat next to the window and drew, concentrating on the drawing. I didn't even notice Mango when she went in.

 Mango: "You're still drawing? You've always read, drew, wrote ..." Me: "It's part of me, I'm an artist." Mango: "I heard artists are weirdos." I: "I don't know about others, I agree that I am." Mango: "Well ... what are you doing in life, did you go to college?" I: "No, I was an excellent student, but I couldn't afford that much. There were other reasons, but that's one of the main ones. " Mango: "What did you want to go for?" I: "Design. I was just scared that they would underestimate and laugh at me. A damn feeling from the elementary school." Mango: "Who laughed at you in elementary school?" I (trying to control the bitterness): "Various people. On physical education, especially. I had to constantly say that I caught a cold, which, to mention, wasn't untruth, for years I am having some problems with tonsils or something, and in fact I'm scared of a mockery. It's awful to be the fattest wherever you go, I still have that feeling ... I don't know why, for years I wondered why they were laughing at me. " Mango: "What do I know, you may have acted resentful, they thought you hated them because you've avoiding talking to them. It doesn't have to mean, I just suppose." I (thought): "Well, after a while I started to hate these characters, but the self-hate was stronger even than that. There is logic, but there is no time to change it. (looked at the mirror) Born as a princess, raised as a loner. Preferred by birth, unwanted for life. Food was not the only thing I needed and what I needed made a worse chaos. (turning to Mango) Thanks, you brought me to another important thing. " Mango: "You're really weird, how can you go into details so much? It's gone, you can't live in the past. Life is in front of you, you're not going to spend it thinking about the past?" Me: "As long as the chains keeps me on bottom and until the domino effect stops I won't be tranquil. I admire people who continue on, it seems that everyone can't learn it. " Mango: "What made you so silent and why you didn't want to talk to others?" Me: "You know, in the first grades I was friendly and sociable, although I had rarely had time to hang out with children before the kindergarten. Some used my sincerity to laugh at me, plus I couldn't even move from Orange ... I've learned over time that every conversation can lead to others finding out something I prefer to keep for myself. Technically, I'm not silent, on the contrary, I'm just very cautious. " Mango: "A years ago, my aunt saw that you were underweight. I couldn't believe it, sounds incredible." I: "Yes, I had twenty kilograms less than now for a while ..." Mango (surprised ): "Really? I can't imagine that." Me: "Neither can I sometimes believe that this happened."

 About eight o'clock, somebody knocks on the door. Damn it, she found me.

 Orange (naively): "Why are you avoiding me? You didn't want to talk since the beginning." Me: "Okay, you want to know? All right. You want someone to be fun and listen, but not to talk about her problems . It worked for a while, but I'm no longer that person, at least I know that I don't want to be. Keep memories of my fooling around but don't expect me to repeat it, now I'm on medication and I don't feel like it anymore. I don't want to be bad for someone but I had to clear this out in a decent way. Delete me from your life, imagine that I died several years ago and that I no longer exist. Thank you for understanding. " Orange (surprised): "Well ... now obviously you will not talk, I'll see you tomorrow." (leaving) "I (closing the door):" As if I was talking the to walls (sigh) "

-

 The next day we went to the next city with karting cars. More or less we all arrived at a similar time, it was interesting to drive in a small car. I can't wait this to end, I already feel psychically exhausted.

 I'm sharing a room with Cherry, I'm just going to sleep tonight in this room. Spying? No ... maybe. Well, whatever, you caught me. If I can know the purpose of life, I can know the purpose of this nonsense as well.

 I hear her in some room. They come out of the room, one gives us instructions and the other one is accompanying him. They talk: First: "It's already near the end, there's only a little left. The contestants are having fun and that's the point." Other: "Yes, but don't forget the other thing." I got back when they went to the other side. Seriously, fun? It's not fun for me to tremble when I'm confronted with memories or to be afraid that certain people don't tell something that would cause more reactions. And what's the other thing? I hope it's worth this charade.

 The next challenge was to get a taxi and reach a destination distant from here several tens of kilometers. The same taxi can drive forty kilometers, then stops. To avoid staying in the midst of the wasteland I suggested that we change the taxi in each populated place. Some of the others didn't foresee that so they arrived after us. I didn't bother Almond and Lime, I was again staring out the window with headphones on my ears.

 From one big city to the other, we are back in the hotel. We have a day of break after the next challenge because it's more difficult than the rest, but there's another long day and boring evening before it. As I was tired I got into bed and fell asleep, not hearing even when Raspberry went into the room.

 They took us to the river and said that rowing is the today's task. Delirious. We have come across this river, which is a very important to the place where I am and to us as a family. Mostly for the negative things, but without it there would be no the fertile land that feeds us, so you see. Everything has a positive and negative side in life. We were supposed to reach the mouth of the river, where our river really begins. This is also it, but only part of it, as an inseparable thread. We rowed silently, approaching the goal until the evening began to fall. The moon illuminated the surface of the great river, making it less scary in my eyes. This water seemed so calm, so safe ... We arrived at the target, but I realized that my goal was all the time in front of my nose ...

 Blackberry pulled out my name so we settled into the room, after which she went to dinner. The Pear pulled something out of Orange, so the disaster could begin. Trouble, wait a little, at least to sit nicely so you can hit me faster.

 I thought about the river. We spent the whole day on its surface, is that calm under the surface too? It would be for me. I can't lie I think about it for the first time, it's a thought that has been possessing me for years, dragging a handful of such ones with it. Somehow I am at home, but I feel like I'm on a deserted island, far from everyone.

 Blackberry entered the room and behind her appeared more, wanting to know if it was true. I: "What is it? If there is something about traveling on Jupiter, I don't think it's true." Lime: "Pear found out that you have wounds on your arms! She says half of your arm is in the wounds and scars, and that you tried to kill yourself and have taken too much pills! We also heard you had anorexia. " I (shocked): "What? (keeping calm) I'm going to ask her where she got that from ..."

 Of course I didn't go to her, I know that someone else is guilty of this and you probably assume who. The question is: should I slap her, strangle her or something else? I'll see what I have inspiration for.

 I knock. She opens the door and go inside, I don't care about decency now when she made such a stupidity. I: "Why did you need this? You couldn't keep your mouth closed!" Orange (naive): "What are you talking about ? " I: "Don't pretend you don't know, you're the only one from here who knows about it! What is it, you think I'm a lower species if I live with a depression? You think I'm a sinner and guilty for something that I can't control? Come on, say it, tell me what else you want from me, what the hell? Why are you looking for the trouble?! I told you to leave me alone, you didn't have enough, did you? " Orange:" I didn't say, Pear did! " I: "You told her, it's not the episode of the TV show so that you can nonchalantly tell it to everyone! (she starts to cry) Don't play a victim. Just don't. I know you since we were kids, I am sick of it. It's not the first time you do it, you are telling the class about my privacy and then I'm the object of the mockery. Are you aware of what you've told them this time? Are you aware how the others will look at me now? What if they put me in the clinic for that or keep me in constant supervision? You also have something what are you not talking about, but I didn't talk about it because it's no longer my problem, why did you betray me, why ?! " Orange:" You've changed a lot, you're not as before." I: "Exactly, now I know myself better, I no longer tolerate what I don't have to, but no one else would tolerate it that way neither. Act as an adult and face the consequences, we are not ten years old anymore. This is a goddamn reality, everybody has something that hurts him. You from my pain, from all the years of the struggle to continue and trying to fulfill my only goal in life, made a rumor, something insignificant. You lost all respect from me, you lost everything because of rush. I no longer exist for you. (coming out) "

 I went back to the room rushing, trying to avoid the rest. Blackberry was in the room, so I asked her to lock the door, which didn't bother her. Blackberry: "Have you talked to Pear?" I: "She did nothing, we haven't meet since the eighth grade- how would we know such things? " Blackberry: "Who spreads these rumors? I don't know how that sort of thing came to their mind at all, that is a little bit odd." I (looked at her): "Because ... it is the truth. (sigh) Not rumors, not fictions. The bloody truth. " Blackberry: "But .... but ... how?" It means that you are ... "Me:" Yes, my arm is full of scars, I was one time addicted on pills and alcohol, tried to  commit suicide, I don't know why would someone make a drama about it. I don't know why would someone make a drama about my problems, I didn't even bother closer people with that, let alone to explain to them who I haven't seen for a years. " Blackberry: "Well, yes, that's not something that should be told to anyone. They shouldn't say that this way, now everyone will annoy you." Me: "This is a big hotel, I will be able to take another room tomorrow and to flee away from everything. " Blackberry: "And that ... you did that earlier? Right?" Me: "Depends on what you're considering by earlier. Several days ago could be called earlier." Blackberry: "Does that have something to do with the railway station several days before?" I (nodded my head): "It's been following me as a shadow since the elementary school, somewhat before that other event happened ... If there was no music to keep me going I wouldn't last for so long, but even that collapses in front of my eyes. I became dead inside, I don't know who am I ... That evening I had a worse depressing phase, then I usually do things that can kill me. " Blackberry: "You would jump under the train if we weren't here?!" I: "Maybe. That's I went there, but there were plenty of people so I couldn't do it. Maybe it's better that I didn't while this competition or whatever it is lasts, but it's good that the end is near, I'm tired of this. " Blackberry (breathe in): "Is there no way to get back to normal?" I: "There is that thought that keeps me at the bottom, which is thinking about the life cycle, I can't move further from it. Never think about the life cycle, believe me that it only leads to ruin. If there was a certain problem I would already solve it, the problem is that I can't stop looking at too wide a image, yet that image persistently puts me in despair and takes my will for life. "

 Blackberry: "Wait, why is the life cycle a problem, how can it bring someone to suicide?" Me:"I can't explain it to you, it would not be difficult to describe with words, but it's difficult when these words reach the brain. It's better not to talk to you about it, the fact is that I gave up everything. " Blackberry: "You can't give up just like that! There are so many things worth living for, you have to fight to get out of it. Otherwise ... you scars ... that's why you're always wearing long sleeves? You was wearing them and before, did you do that back then? " I:" Not back then, I started in the meantime. I didn't like to wear short sleeves anyway, but now I have a specific reason not to do it. One thing is sure, I'll wear them for the rest of my life (I look down at the floor) " Blackberry: "Oh, God ... Can't it be healed or removed?" I:" It heals to a certain limit, after that remains so, there can't help nor creams, nor it can be covered with makeup ... It doesn't matter, I'm always dressed in lot of clothes, and I'm used to that scene. " Blackberry (sighed): "And now you're going to spend your whole life wearing long sleeves?" I: "It will not take long, anyway. (approaching the door) I think the hallway is empty, I go to the reception desk to take a room." Blackberry: "If you think it is the best way feel free to do it, but tell me where you are, to make sure everything is fine. " I: "It will be fine, I can't leave Lime and Almond alone, they would hate me. This competition is stupid, but I'm not going to be a jerk." Blackberry: "Wait, I'm going with you. I promise I won't tell anyone which room it is. " Me: "Sure, let's go."

 I wanted a room on the lower floor, not to get into the temptation to fly down to the sidewalk. Blackberry: "I'm coming tomorrow as soon as I take the chance." I (laugh): "You don't have to, I know to keep myself safe." Blackberry: "Yes, I saw several days ago at the station." Me: "It happens from time to time, not constantly. Thank you for everything." Blackberry: "I didn't do anything special." Me: "Many would instantly run away from me. Well, I'm going until somebody sees me. You go too, it's been a hard day. Good night. (gently)" Blackberry: "Good night, I'll see you tomorrow."

-

 I went into the room and left things on the bed. Through the window I looked a city that looked like a completely foreign place, not as the capital of my district. My dream was broken (lucky that tomorrow we have a break) and feelings mixed, I don't know if I'm empty or I'm screaming inside. I took a blue blouse off, left it on the bed and looked in the mirror near the door. Then I took off and the blouse with long sleeves, black like this night, remaining in the undershirt. The scars they were talking about didn't seem so horrible, on the contrary, I got used to this scene. In order not to make stains on the floor I went to the bathroom, along with the new blade. The difference between sharp and dull blade is that with dull it hurts less and requires more pressure to cut , but it also knows to be dangerous sometimes, while new and sharply loses its sharpness after second use, but it spreads a wound which usually means more blood. As some people open a bottle of drink at special moments, by that I mean wine and champagne, that's how I open the blade . One wound, two, three. .. There is no more ban, soon it is over. The deepest becomes dark red after some time, the blade has damaged the vein. Many think that a single surface cut damages a vein and person dies of it. No, a vein is not so shallow (it may be directly on the wrist , but not above on the person of average weight), and doesn't bleed so much that it can't be kept under control (that is how it is with me, some other people might have a problem with that). The artery is, on the other hand lethal, it pumps a brighter blood in large quantities and under greater pressure, so death occurs in a few minutes. Some call it anatomy, I call it life or death.

 I felt asleep on the floor, covered in blood. Coldness woke me up, so I decided to wash off the coagulated blood and go back to sleep as today we have no challenge, wanting to enjoy peace and quiet. Morning.

 In order not to meet someone I decided to eat later if there is a chance. If not it's not the first time that I don't take food whole day, it's nothing terrible. I would at least want to be able to go somewhere for a walk later, but this way is good too.

 Blackberry came around twelve, trying not to be seen by anyone, making sure everything was all right as I promised it would be. She said that some people were asking for me but she didn't tell them where I was, then left and carefully went to the second floor. I didn't bother much about tomorrow's victory or defeat, I will do my best and what will be- will be.

 Evening started to fall, I was no longer hungry, in any case I listened to music, looked out the window and thought all day. What a boring day; apart from music, my guide, this would be one of those terribly boring days in my life. Not knowing who was in the room next to mine I sang what was in my head that moment: "I tried so hard and got so far, in the end it doesn't even matter ..." It's sad when in the song you sing something from the soul, when you mention your end, but nobody else takes you seriously. My own songs will probably be thrown, I don't have the courage to imagine it, it hurts too much from within. Another earthly dream for me, before the new dawn comes with new troubles.

 I got up early, deciding to fulfill myself the desire to eat whatever I want. Odd, I wanted to eat vegetables, a piece of cheese and pasta, and for dessert two coconut cookies. The younger one would probably have took bunch of things, but this me learned to be moderate. I'm glad for it, the food was made to make us full and give us energy, no need to overeat, there is one more day left for me and I don't have to exaggerate.

 A group of a few of them saw me when I was back. Pear (to me): "Just to know, I didn't say that ...." Me: "I know, I know who it is and I have fixed it, but nothing else matters - it doesn't matter who knows what, who says what. It's all the same. I am sick of words. Don't worry about it, it's just my life, it's not something important.  I didn't see any of you for a years, we don't know each other so good to talk about what is happening behind closed doors. Why would I be interested in whether some of you, for example, takes traffic signs from the highways in the middle of the night, or plans to rob a bank, or to hold the dead squirrels in the house? It's not something I want to interfere with, so don't pay attention to my problem either. "Apricot: "Maybe she's right, we do not have to interfere. " Me: "There, we cleared that up." Quince: "So it's true, as soon as you don't deny it?" I: "... Here we go. Yes, it is true, I point out once again that this is a very private thing, I don't want to talk about it or that someone is looking at me differently because of it. I am a person like any other , there's no need for any more gossip. Excuse me now, I'm going for my stuff, we're about to leave soon. "

 At eight o'clock we were driven by car to an unknown destination. For the time of travel we had a ribbon above our eyes, they only left us in seven different places after a while and gave us the same name of the place. We were lucky once again.

 I (to Almond and Lime): "Let's go, let's finish this game as soon as possible." Almond: "Why are you going there? How do you know the city is in there?" Lime: "Wait first to check so we won't get lost." Me: "We will not get lost- the place where I live is a few kilometers to a opposite direction. I know this road since I was kid, I must know that I always went through this route when we returned home and went to the village. " Lime: "It's great! We were lucky again. Maybe we can win!" Almond (catching up): "Your house is in the opposite direction? I can't believe you came here to live, it's so far away. " I: "We didn't have a lot of choices, you have no idea how moving out was expensive! If you want us to have a better chance to win we will have to speed up a bit, it's not very close to the city, it has about ten kilometers, we need a quick step."  Lime:" The rules say that there are no stops, no questions for direction, no internet. It's okay, they didn't foresee this situation. " Almond: "Only if those who got the main road don't reach before  us ..." Me: We'll do our best, don't complain if we fail. "

 After two villages and an uninhabited part that seemed much longer when you walk on it, followed a large bridge. It was the first time I've been on this bridge, for some time I've been thinking of it and the watery space underneath. Oh, how this scene scares me with its vast water surface, yet whispering about the peace I'm looking for .... Something so grandly and magnificently to scare me and yet drags me to itself.

 After another village remains an uninhabited part, even the city can be seen in the distance. All three of us had a strong motivation to arrive as soon as possible. The hotel in the center was a destination, there was a little hard to find but I managed to remember the route, increasing the chances for winning. We were getting closer and closer until we saw the goal in front of us, but also another person, which we will call Flower. I heard her voice several days ago- of course I knew it was her, I told my group that she would surely be there (what to hide when it's almost over?), who settles in my memory remains there, unfortunately in some cases. As far as my heart ached I ran along with Lime and Almond and took the first place. While the two of them jumped out of joy, Group 5 (Watermelon, Lemon, Quince) slowly arrived, occupying the second place. Each next team was more and more disappointed and after the teams that were lost they sent the vehicles to bring them back. I avoided Flower as far as I could, but they wanted to give us a prize in front of everyone.

 We were standing on the stairs near the hotel where they gave money to us. Flower: ,, (to Almond) Your reward ... (to Lime) ... here, this is your reward ... (to me) why sad face? You won!" Me:" I ... "

 I looked at the money she gave me, while unconsciously getting lost in my thoughts within that perfect blue ... I can buy a quiet house with this money, but my soul will still be restless. Besides, the material side is no longer important to me, I want what I can have almost for free; peace...

 Me: "I give up my money and I want to give it to other groups. I don't want money." Everyone looked at me as if I had lost my mind. Melon: "You're really crazy!" Flower: "But you won it!" I: "Pure luck. They also tried, we were lucky, if you left us at the other end of the city we wouldn't come first, so I want everyone to have money. Lime and Almond, congratulations to you and I want you all the best, the others please don't be angry. This is it. (I'm moving away and letting my hair down to catch the wind) "Flower:" Where are you going? We have a celebration later! I've organized this for you to reunite and socialize, I wanted to get you closer and to become friends for life, to remember old days! You can't go now. (comes to me) "I (turn around) : "No! This was nice, thank you, but now I have something important to do."

 Others looked at me, Apple approached me and takes me to the side. Apple (to others): "Continue what you have, I'll talk to Blueberry. (to me) Where will you go?" Me: "Home." Apple: "Write me the name of the place where you are, I'll come to you when this ends. You didn't have to give up money, you could do something with it." Me: "You'll understand soon ... very soon." Apple: "I'll see you later. (moved away and went with the others to the hotel) " I watched them leave, occasionally looking at me and talking something. I don't care, I'm going to find some taxi.

 Flower (to Apple): "So why she's gone? Where is she going?" Apple: "She says she's going home." Flower (sigh): "We have a ride to the city, she didn't have to be spent money for nothing." Apple: "She lives in a small place not far from here." Flower: "She lives in this area? Since when?" Apple: "She moved out." Flower: "I see ... maybe she fells guilty for winning because she knows this city. She shouldn't go, it doesn't matter- even I didn't know about that. The coincidence, really."

 During that time, I entered the cab, said the name of the next populated place and in the meantime removed the blue blouse because it seemed too cheerful for me, I needed blackness to rest my brain. I left all the money I had to the taxi driver, he would know what to do with it. I no longer need it. As I walked I bowed down to the big river, the tombs of my ancestors, which took three lives and two unborn ones but we never hated it, she just stood and witnessed a bad event, wanted it or not. I threw a bouquet of flowers from the bridge for all the souls whose last breath was the blood of the great river, took a deep breath and prayed for the salvation of the drowned souls. The river whispered me about peace, I listened it for a while.

 Everyone was having fun at the party and Flower talked with several of them. They said what they had seen on their travels these days, so someone started to talk about what they saw during the day. Watermelon: "We saw a highway! (laughs) I'm joking, we've seen a bridge in the distance. "Lime:" We were crossing over a big bridge, Blueberry was standing longer than we did, she barely caught us. She says that when she was kid she always knew that they are close to reach her grandmother and grandfather when they are at that bridge. There is also a beautifully decorated house alongside the bridge, she told us that she remembers when they built it. What they talked about for Blueberry probably annoyed her so she went, maybe she wanted to go home ..." Blackberry (listens to what Lime said):" The competition is over. Big bridge. Refusing the money. What we found out. Connect all of that, you realize that someone has to make sure she's alive! "Flower:" What's going on, what are you talking about? " Blackberry: "On a train task we appeared later, she was there with the intention of jumping under the train, she admitted to me! Does anyone knows where she lives?" Apple: "I have written, we will take a taxi and go there . " Flower: "You think she would hurt herself? She doesn't seem like that ..." (rising) "Apple:" She hurts itself. I know because we have been in contact for years, she told me she was thinking about suicide. " Lime: "You are saying that now?!" Apple: "I didn't want to tell it to everyone like some of us! After all, someone else has already told everything. " Flower: "Okay, just calm down, Apple and I will go to check it." Blackberry: "I'm going too." Lime: "Call me if you find out something." Almond (comes): "Why this noise, is there a some problem?" Lime: "Blueberry may be dead." Almond: "What ?!" Flower: "Calm down, you'll see everything is fine and she's home. Come on, let's go."

 The car went all the way to the bridge, there were some problems with the redirecting of the vehicles. Flower: "Oh, the perfect time for a  traffic jam..." Blackberry: "Unless ... (coming out of a car parked near the bridge)" Apple (realizing): "... Not only that!" Flower: "Wait, I'm going too!" (coming straight after Apple) What are we going to do there? "

 The police had an investigation on the bridge and my blue blouse was hung on the fence of a bridge like a laundry that dries on a light summer wind. Blackberry (runs): "These are her stuff! Is she alive? Have you rescued her? Where is she? (turns around)" Officer: "Do you know that girl?" Blackberry: "Yes. (Flower and Apple arrive) Just don't say she's dead." Officer: "We don't know." Flower: "How you don't know? Did she jump?" Officer: "Yes, we have eyewitnesses." Apple (crying): "She must have died!" Flower: "Oh, Blueberry, what did you do?" Blackberry: "Why we didn't stop her, the hell?!" Officer: "We're looking for a body, we'll let you know about the results of investment."

 Somewhat farther from the bridge, the sun that shone behind the clouds blinded me . What the freaken hell is this? I'm breathing, I have no injuries... Ah, my leg! Looks like I jumped badly and broke my leg. I need to get out of here as soon as possible, they will look up for me, but I have no power to move. It seems that the father of my grandmother didn't want me to end my life in a big river as him, but now I will have a worse problem if they take me to the hospital. Treatment, testing, forced staying at the clinic ... With the last atom of power I asked the water to bring me back, not to leave me at the mercy of the people who think only of themselves and their needs and who would be more interested in the damn research than in my life. The water had a mercy and embraced me again, so I breathed its core and it put me to sleep, it calmed me so sweetly that I never woke up again. Peace... Eternity ...

The end
4.2.2018 17:15 h
Suzana Ristic Suza
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DISCUSSION

 What "Ready For Action- Before The End" and this story have in common is that both have begun- in a dream. Yes, I dreamed them, for "Lollypop" I also got a name in a dream. Not unusual to use dreams in stories ("The Devil's Town", "13 Deaths", "Amortica"), but here the dream was intertwined and unclear, it had more to do with the end. I got ideas while I wrote, especially what happens after the game , having written down on paper what vehicle of transportation is in the challenge of that day. In the dream I had myself, the person I call Orange and the third person who is the living version of my Barbie, we entered the last city from the story walking on the main road. Before that "Orange" has humiliated me and yet another person has said bad things about me, glorifying her, so I ran to the bridge from the story, where they don't find me because I already disappeared in water. Name of the story just jumped out, so then , still in a dream, I dreamed that I was writing this story and that I was already on half of writing. Then I dreamed again in my dream to wake up from that dream and write a story. It was crazy, in the end I really woke up and thought about writing a story, but this time for real .:D

 The topic is ... I don't know. It's an abstract idea of a story, I don't know what exactly can be a topic. Yes, I wrote about what was obsessing me, but it's not a topic. I definitely wanted to beat what I dragged from the past by creating characters like people I remember, I think I would be ready to face it in real life. The characters and their features are part of the imagination (except Orange and Apple, although for their actions I wouldn't be sure neither, I can't accurately write about the real person ), it doesn't have to mean that with certain characters I would agree better or worse- this is a fiction and it should be looked on that way. It was not a intention to insult or glorify someone, human behavior is not constant- I hope that things would now be different than before. With  "Orange" I share some entertaining memories, but lately I was too exhausted to spend time with her, just like with many people who just want me to be funny and silly, I don't doubt that she would want to talk with me since the beginning but simply she is not kind of a person I can get along with. The fact is that I sometimes avoid telling people that we are having completely different views on some things and unmatchable attitudes so that we are not really made to be friends, I'm afraid to hurt that person, so I usually remain silent and hurt myself instead that way. These are some confusing things, it's not important for discussion; interpersonal relationships are not a static thing anyway.

 The plot of the story is, in reality, probably impossible, but I wanted to make sense when it's already started, no matter how silly it sounded. I think a regular stay in the hotel would have the same effect and cost less :|. This would cost too much and yet there wouldn't be a real purpose of it, in the story money is not important as in real life.

 The end ... it shows (since it was written from my angle, it would be impossible to write the interaction of all characters, there are too many) that in depression the bigger problem is what we become in time while that what has led to it becomes less important. In the story I am not broken by the fact that I meet these people, they don't even bother me too much (I know that some things are different, but I can't be sure how- people change in different directions, I see on my own example), but the knowledge that I have already become what I am and there is no turning back and what is ahead doesn't attract me any more. Realization that it becomes more and more difficult by the time and that the past is a shadow that seems unrealistic only contributed to my fall in the story, although this same past holds me in the bottom. I realized that the problem arose even earlier and these were additional circumstances, not the cause of a particular problem. So, that period was adding an oil on fire, not the fire itself. I wish I didn't gave importance to people who can't endure me, that's  just a waste of time- why are you trying to get around those who obviously don't want you or don't understand you, if someone else might be happy to know you? I think I really seemed resentful because of my fear, looking like a bad person for it, but that doesn't mean that I had to be the target of a mockery, so I won't defend them because I didn't attack any of them.

 This is an addition to one of the "13 Deaths" stories, I don't apologize for my reactions during the writing, I apologize if someone has been insulted in any way. I don't doubt that I would be much worse described by someone else, I needed this story to not hate them, but to help myself to continue. I hope that my nightmares will disappear with this, I'm tired of dreaming this goddamn place, although I still have songs about this topic. (2019 edit: currently I still dream of this place as much as before, but for now not in a disturbing way, I hope it will remain so)

 I put in a part about my district to remind myself that I no longer live there, that it's time for my mind to accept the fact that these are other people, most of whom I don't know, and that people who I think I see are hallucinations.

 What I know, maybe to some this story will be interesting or cause someone to clear some of their past events. I don't know about others, but this story has brought me bit of calming, it calms me because I know I don't have to run away from anyone anymore. Here I am, this is me, the way that time has created me, I tried to maintain myself and extracted the best that could have been drawn. I grew up and learned to accept human mistakes, weaknesses and differences, I don't want those who will condemn me because of my weaknesses and differences (which, more or less, is one of the main reasons for avoiding "Orange" in real life, I wouldn't need someone to look at me from the height just because I suffer from depression and think about my death). I want to be less paranoid about the environment, this is only the first step. Maybe one day I manage to be proud of what I am and to be satisfied with myself. Maybe. Hardly, I know, it's still me.

 The End, it was enough, my brains doesn't work anymore.

5.2.18 year