Scale of Sanity (2015)- full story

The story is not suitable for younger than 17 years old, through the story are intertwined depressive, self-destructive and morbid-philosophical scenes that are concerned to humans and their existence and can potentially change one's view of life and be disturbing.

Sue (Sju in original), which is mentioned later in the story, is a character from an unpublished story created in February 2012, I do not plan to publish it yet, but I'll see for later, so far I would not be in a hurry with it (it's published later as "It will never be better").

Partially inspired by real events. Brutally honest.
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 Deaf time of the night. The pointers show 0:30 in the morning, with their movement interrupting the silence of the night. The room was dark until one weak arm turned on the light. The room belonged to Lana, a 17-year-old girl with absent eyes and light hair, who has some health problems last several months. Again, because of this unbearable feeling of pain in bones, Lana wakes up in the middle of the night. Lana looks into the mirror. Her light brown hair, weak and thin, fell through the skeletal shoulders, arms and legs were also thin. On her face, bone lines were slightly visible. In the mirror she saw another person- a chubby one, a person who wasn't thin enough ... All this was due to eating disorders. Lana eats poorly because of anorexia, she looks after her diet so obsessively to count every calorie she enters.

 She looked in the mirror for a few minutes and then said: "Terrible, I look terrible! Oh, I'm gonna have to cut calories again to lose weight faster. It would be easy, but ... I'm hungry ... no, I refuse to admit it! I'm not hungry! I don't need food! I have the reserves in my body! (for a few minutes silently looking at her reflection in the mirror) All these temptations ... How did I manage to resist them by now? How did these five months go?Yesterday I couldn't control myself and I have taken hundred calories more. A hundred! It will reduce the rate of weight loss! Lana, you are a strong person (looking at the mirror all the time) and don't let it happen again! Control yourself! Control, control, control! "

 In the morning, Lana went to school. She wears wide clothes so others are used to it, and no one notices how skinny she really is. On one hand it bothered her: she felt that no one sees the results of her work, and on the other it was good to her because she didn't have to listen to any criticism. A day in school like any other, it's already June and the end of the school year is close. Lana is on the class. She put her head on her arm and tried to calm the mind and stomach that growled because of emptiness. Before anybody heard anything, she pressed the stomach unnoticeably and the growling stopped. It was one of the many tips from pro-ana sites, which she searched regularly in the hope of finding some advice to moderate the problem with anorexia. However, anorexia was promoted at most pro-ana sites , but to Lana it was irrelevant. She knew that these girls were like her, that they were just sad and lonely beings who couldn't say their problem out loud. How many times she just wanted to say many things, but ... no, the words can't get out. To whom and what to say? No one would believe her.

 After school Lana went home. All day thoughts in her head were changed: what to prepare for herself, what for parents ... Her parents, another important topic. They noticed her weight loss, they know about anorexia (they found out only when she said to them and when all the control was gone) and they do not like it, they warned her she lost too much weight. Lana has a strange relationship with parents, something between love and hate ... as when communicating with someone you don't know enough and then you begin to trust him. No matter what,the cause of Lana's eating disorder was neither her father nor her mother. Lana had mental problems for a long time, depression in severe form, several dozen times inflicted injures to herself and she tried to kill herself several times ... You wonder, where I got this thing? Maybe you think the writer exaggerates... Unfortunately, neither the writer exaggerates nor this is a lie. She gone from depression to anorexia, just to ruin her life. So far, she has almost all the symptoms of anorexia : heart palpitations, anemia, dry skin, thinness, poor circulation ... There are many more, but still the most difficult problem are her thoughts. Her thoughts go in many different directions, one side tells her to increase the number of calories, the other to cut ... One side tells her to end with a farce called life, and the other to wait a little longer ... One side is dragging into hell, the other in an even greater uncertainty ... When she looks in the mirror she sees how life evaporate from her. Five months ago she was a girl with too many pounds, and now she is a half-skeleton. She wants to lose weight so that nothing stay out of her.

 She returned home and first prepared food for her (she ate small quantities of food which would be separated in portions the day before), and then for her parents. She was obsessed with preparation of their food, she planned in advance what will prepare and make a delicious dish that she doesn't try ...

 After that, she searched through the site pages, as well as some other pages that helped her in her self-destruction. The hunger appeared again. She thought, "I can't reach for food.Today I've already entered a certain amount of calories, if I take something else I will overrun it, and that's what I don't want to. I will take the chew gum to mitigate the feeling of hunger. "

 It worked briefly and Lana soon reached for a piece of chocolate. After that, she couldn't stop thinking about it:" You are an idiot! You can't control yourself at all! With this pace you won't do anything. Where is your self-control? What if these calories won't spent? Will you ruin everything now? Oh, I've gotten tired of this! I'm sick of my-tomorrow I cut calories for sure - and I want to actually do something! After all, how did I get here, so I will continue! I have to ... I want... it kills me. All this kills me, both physically and mentally. Where to go? All roads are unlighted. I just don't understand... how I got to anorexia? I have never been so burdened with weight loss. I would expect lots of things, but not this. I want to change something, but I don't know what. I'm falling into the abyss. Even worse, I do not know where this leads. I've been planning my own life from one suicide attempt to another, now I go like this - I don't know where, nor why, when I will go and how... (deep sigh). "

 As the June came to an end, Lana was also skinnier. At the end of June, her body mass index was below eighteen, which meant malnutrition. Lana felt so powerful at that time as if she controls anorexia, felt that she finally did something right. In her solitude it was the only goal- she did not want to stop losing weight, so she set her new goal-with 45 kilograms (99 pounds) to reach 40 (88 pounds) .

 The scale soon showed up 43 (94 pounds). Unfortunately for Lana, anorexia showed another cruel face. After several months of starvation, Lana began to eat a lot.

 First they were amounts of up to 500 kcal (Lana: "Okay,it happened... I'll be down tomorrow"), it reached 1200 ("uh... it's basal metabolism, that is the energy my body spends during resting") and soon got up to 1600 ("this is too much! This is not right at all! How to spend these calories, for the name of the world ...!") How July passed Lana used to take even more so that at the beginning of August had about 49 kilograms (108 pounds). For all that time she tried to get back on the old path, however, it lasted for a day or two, and then the overeating would start again. At the beginning of August she was decisive: she will return to the school thinner or at least the way she was, and in the head made an arrangement with herself. She gave a stake for an uncompleted task:her life ...

 In late July, Lana joined one of the pro-ana sites. She found support there but, instead of returning to "normal" (ie what she considered to be normal), she got stuck with days of overeating accompanied by daily vomiting. The kilograms came back and it killed her, more often she self-harmed because of all this pain inside, hoping that it would finally stop. Together with the weight and the pain came back. She felt like a failure. All that trying exhausted her. The whole of August filled with trying to return to her destruction. Unsuccessful. The stake is a stake.

 The last week of August, at the same time as the last week of the summer vacation. Lana had to keep her promise... Alcohol and twenty mixed pills. In her hands, it will disappear for a moment and end up in her stomach.

 She lowered her head to the pillow and fell asleep. She didn't know if she would wake up the next morning. Hmm, as if it were necessary, especially now that she wanted to disappear ...

 The sun is up. There is a dead silence in the Lana's room. She is still in her bed, her eyes closed, pale as usual. Breathing was barely heard, but Lana was still alive. She stood beside her bed and realized she was barely standing on her feet, so she decided to stay where she was. Her parents didn't know what had happened - Lana was secretly hiding dizziness from the pills taken last night.

 Next month, Lana returned to her obsession and fainted ... She was sent to the mental health clinic.

 There, the chosen company waited for her... including me.

-

 "Leave me, I'm not going with you! I am fine, let me go! "I shouted the loudest I could, though my throat started to hurt a long time ago. They closed me in a white room with two beds, cabinets and bars on the windows. Not seeing who was behind me, I hit the door with my hands and continued to shout.

 "They will not let you go. Shouting is useless when they do not care. We all shouted like that, but nobody heard us," someone said behind me. I turned ...

 Me: "Melody?What are you doing here? What am I doing here? What is happening? Where are we?" Melody: "Here are all the characters from your stories that you described as mental patients. " Me: "That includes ... all the characters with some of the mental problems starting from Nora to you?" Melody: "Yes." Me: "Then why am I here?" Melody: "To clear this for once and all." Me: "No ... no! Go to hell! I have no reason to be here! You are dead, Melody, dead!" Melody (looks me directly in the eyes): "Just like your alter ego. I'm her . Again, I am also YOU. "

 I didn't get shocked. I know that she is right, after all, I created her. However, I got nervous because of whole situation. I said with trembling voice, feeling that I would get an anxiety attack, that this was my nightmare that never should happened. She said she knew that and she would never like to end up here either.

The door opened.

 I thought they were going to get me out of here, but they just called us for lunch. We came to the big dining room. There were already famous faces: Nora, Ella, Henry, Black, White, Onyx, Sue, Black Follower, even Holly, Moon Jin, Lana... Everyone looked at me. I felt that the attack was getting stronger. I sat next to Sue, who looked exactly identical to me, except that she had my weight from the elementary school. Melody was next to me while Holly was in front of me.Me (to Holly): "What are you doing here when you're a completely normal character?" Holly: "They disagree with you, all of it just because of a scene with Raun's castle. I didn't cut my throat with the sword because I wanted to die, I knew that I would survive because I remembered it while we were talking in dungeon, but I didn't want to hurt Beli." Me (to Onyx): "I described you as someone who is recovered!" Onyx: "And I am, but that story was active for those two weeks when you were determined to get out of depression, and then you felt in an even bigger problem. I'm not counting. You created me for motivation, but I couldn't help you. " Me (to Nora, Henry, and Ella): "And you were better, that's even standing in the story!" Nora: "They brought us on the basis of our past. You know best how the past knows to keep person trapped to itself."

 I turned to Sue. Yes, the past knows how to keep you trapped. Me (to Black Follower): "Wait, and you ?!" Black Follower: "I'm declared a psychopath." Black: "They should bring my mother too. She is not normal neither." Me (to White): "Your eating disorder is not very much described in the story." White: "I absolutely agree that I'm fine, I do not even know why I came here." Holly: "All the messed up Capricorns." Onyx: "We all have no emotions, and yet we are sensitive." Melody: "And to be more obvious, we are mostly born on same date as you." Me: "No,   only you are born on that day, White was born on the first of January, Holly on the twenty-fourth of December, for Onyx is not stated... Technically, Melody's birthday is not known, but it can be assumed."

Melody: " And the day of death- the next day. Twenty-six years and one day. Just like your alter ego. " Me: "It does not necessarily mean that I will end up as my alter ego, and there is no way that I fall in love again with the same person, so that part of your story falls into the water. And that damn video will not happen, and Stanley will not exist, so won't Len. Just me, and I will not do it in the show ... I mean... oh, forget it." Melody:" I understand. I'm you. " Sue: "I do not understand everything, but it's pretty clear to me in this whole mess."

 Me (to Moon Jin): "Why did they bring you?" Moon Jin: "In the first version of the story I may didn't take my life, but you wrote the other, so ... But again, in one of the following you confirmed that I did, so here I am." Me: "I'm sorry to have caused so much pain on everyone. I don't know if it was worth it." Sue (to others): "Your stories are at least meaningful, mine does not make sense." Me: "How's that?" Sue: "Until you wrote that it was just my dark fantasy, there were a lot of meaningless parts, like a farewell message on the bridge while I'm traveling home. I mean, really?" Me: "Let's say it did not make any sense at all, but the story is anyway inconvenient to read. It's even the smallest problem in it. Who cares, I wrote that story the day before ... Melody knows." Melody: "I have to know when I have the honor to carry the same bracelets. " Sue: "And do you think someone would believe that I was an adult when I left the hotel at night?" Me: "How short I am they wouldn't believe me now ether. However, it is more likely that some of students or teachers would see you, you wouldn't even have reached the reception. "

 Black Follower: "What kind of evil you hide in yourself when you created me ... (a malicious smile)" Me (a similar reaction): "I'd rather that side remain only in the story, it is too dangerous for the real world ... (I look at Melody) But, here's a her milder version, Melody the grumpy. " Melody (laughs): "Shut up, every third sentence you say is sarcasm." Black: "Sarcasm? I love sarcasm, and I love the dark side ... I'm fine here. (laughter) I'm only missing the Red. Why she isn't here? " Me: "Because she just started with opiates, she didn't become addicted." Holly: "Too bad they took my dagger, we would get out of here quickly." Me: "I don't understand at all why we came here. Why all of this?" Ella: "You'll understand."

 Lunch is served. The smallest amount of food was found in front of White, Melody and Lana. In front of me there was a plate full of vegetables, a little rice and fat free yogurt (my usual meal at the time of writing the story). The most of food was in front of Sue: three slices of bread, meat, fried potatoes, some other caloric stuff I used to eat ... On the other hand, Melody had only a yogurt in front of her. Lana had the same thing. I started to understand: with this story I will ruin another character I will give my characteristics to. Lana will, even not guilty for anything, become like me. I couldn't do it to her.

 The sound of plates meant the beginning of the lunch. I knew Sue can't stand certain foods and what they contain, but I couldn't tell her because she is my version of the past and I can't change what happened. She looked at my plate and said, "Will you eat just that? Do you want a piece of meat?" Melody told her :"No, she doesn't eat meat, she is vegetarian since age seventeen. " I looked at her, and she answered: "You made me a vegetarian too. Just like Lana now." Me: "Tell me what you want, that's one of the best decisions in my life." I sighed and after a few moments I continued with the meal.

 Onyx was drinking a glass of red wine after her meal while the princesses had the fruit juices. Black unsuccessfully offered White soda because White was only drinking green tea with two sushi pieces. The Black Follower haven't consumed the food. Black asked: "What are you feeding with? "Black Followers:" Energy. The darkest energy. There is plenty of it, and I don't consume food because I am not a human being. " Lana: "(Sigh) Good for you. I want like that too." Henry (gently): "Don't talk like that, everything will be fine. I do not doubt that you will recover." Nora: "Believe - even in complete hopelessness is not over. By the way, I fell into an abyss, but the writer didn't want me to die, she even gave me Neon. Right?" I nodded gently. I must not forget the fact that, although Nora survived, Nelly and Mion weren't.

 It was so strange to eat with the characters from my stories: for me it is a ritual that I don't practice before others, and now I am here, I share the table with the people I have created.

 The end of the meal- Melody patiently takes the last sip of yogurt, I take a candy to kill the craving for sweets, and Sue already takes the third piece of a cake.

 The time has come for us to go back to the rooms. Blank white rooms. Boring, white rooms. I may be depressed, but I'm annoyed by non-decorative rooms. I asked for papers and pens, as well as an eraser, in order to arrange a little space in my taste . I gave one pencil and a few pieces of paper to Melody and we filled them together with our drawings. Her models were thinner than mine, with clearly visible bones and simple dresses, shaded in some places. My models had long hair and detailed clothes , although the Melody's models looked nice and without imaginative clothes. We pinned the drawings on the wall.

 In the evening, while the sun was still in the sky, we went out to the garden of the hospital, but under the watchful eye of the nurse. I sat near Lana. With a soft voice she asked: "Why did you change the story suddenly? Why did you send me here?" Me: "I started this story when I was like you, I didn't know how it would work ... I gotta get you out of here because I don't want you to end up like me. I think my story will not have a happy ending, so I don't have to put you in all of this. " Lana: "Why do you think it will have a bad end?" Me: "Look at me, I'm a pathetic person. I am an artist because it makes me alive, but I bring all my disorders into my art, that's stronger than me. I wish you wouldn't know that feeling ... but, dammit, I gave you this trait of self-hate. I don't have feelings for others, and all the feelings that I have are limited to anxiety, rage, mild euphoria, and EMPTINESS. HUGE EMPTINESS. Same as you now feel emptiness in the stomach, as well in the head. I don't care for the rest of the world, I have long lost contact with it, because this world scares me with its unpredictability. All people are mortal and I am one of these who don't avoid looking death in the eyes. Every life on the planet can end in a moment. Even if I don't do this by myself, death will decide for me once. That thought is every day in my brain. The memories from the past have led me to depression, and depression to thinking about the life cycle. That thought ended me ... on the twenty-sixth of December, when my alter ego has died, and the thought of the life cycle has destroyed even that little will for life. We are all future deceased, from a newly born to a person in the late years. The children born today will have the same destiny as these who die today - not in this moment, but through several (dozens) of years. All the people we know go through this process, all the people around us will disappear from the face of the Earth at one time. As a person without a survival instinct I see the truth, the truth that hurts more than the blade of the razor. We are just numbers, six billion individuals waiting for their day of judgment... "

 I looked at her. I knew she knew it, but I didn't want her to know it. I would always listen: "Don't say such a things!" Or "Do you just need to go out or a blah, blah, blah ..." when I said my opinion about life. Now I have someone who understands ... but she has a part of me! I do not know if I'm crazy, do I want to kill her? Damn, I'm not even capable of anything else.

 She stood up and said, "I know. It's the easiest thing to think about nothing. I don't even know how I became obsessed with calories ... How did I lose that little self-esteem? How did you lose self-esteem? For whom or what?" I looked at the distance . I don't know. It was my answer which I uttered quietly, all the time staring at one point. Evening slowly approached and they returned us to the rooms.

 Melody was lying on her bed, expecting me to go back to the room. When I returned, she began a conversation with me: "You talked to Lana." Me: "Yes, I did." Melody: "About what?" Me: "About the life cycle." Melody: "Why? Didn't you have any other topic but death?" I (quietly): "I am not able to conduct normal conversations. In my vocabulary," normal "means everything that I am not. It is a curse being next to me. "Melody (straighten up):" It's known to me- avoiding people, morbid conversations ... You don't have to be witty here; we know you well. " Me: "I am no longer witty, my humor is only spontaneity. I am a childish idiot who will never grow up." Melody: "Is that a bad thing?" Me: "Yes, I annoy myself." Melody (smiled slightly): "It's a feature that has drawn people to you." I: "I don't want people, I don't believe them. I didn't need them even until now ..." Melody: "And music? You live for it. You need people who will listen to it." Me: "I'm afraid. I have the feeling that I've already gone through all this, I have lived through you and my alter ego. In reality, nothing has happened yet and in my imagination I flew and crashed into the water. Social anxiety keeps me by the hand wherever I go, I can't even walk through the street as a normal person, I don't know how will I sing in front of people about my deepest thoughts, desires, feelings ... Fear has blocked me. I am not capable of it. "Melody :, Yes,you are, but you have this damned need to run away and hide from everything, you should listen a little more yourself and your own opinion, who cares what other people will say! Every man on the planet has his own thoughts, he will surely find something that will bother him, or he will be bothered by this or that ... "Me:" It's stronger than me, Melody- I'm struggling with myself, but the same fear is blocking me! The same fear that made me hate myself, because of which I stopped to dress like other people, because of which I turned myself into black, for which I have never shown what I know ... FEAR OF BEING JUDGED. Like that life itself is not complicated enough ... I gave that trait to Black, of course, the reasons were different. I want to be imperceptible, so nobody will judge me. And yet ... music. My life. Something where the criticism is inevitable because can't all be the supporters of my work. It killed you less, Melody, but it will crush me. You were killed by a the ghost of the past, that is, what is static in my mind. The people who do such a things must be strong personalities to withstand everything. People are more evil than ever."

 Melody: "And that's why I drink, isn't it?" I: "It worked for a while and then it got out of control, but my voice will always be in front of starvation and alcohol. The sacrifice is too high. I won't lose the most valuable thing I have , I almost did, but I no longer play with it. " Melody: "Liquor ... and the Moon." Me: "Bunch of them." Melody: "Memories." Me: "Yes. Dammit with my memories." Melody: "Looks like the story doesn't go my way, I mean love, alcohol and starvation?" Me: "It looks like. I want to be alone, not to ruin my throat with alcohol and ... I'll eat at least so much that I have the power to sing , even though I was drawn to the idea of seeing how far I can go. It's hard to resist, the feeling of looking at you getting thinner is so magnetic ... But I won't publish ten CDs in one year, nor I will let someone makes me go where I don't want to, even through I wouldn't care if I go where you were until I have sedatives and I don't see people I don't want. " Melody: "Well, at least you are pulling out messages from your own story, growing up and changing. Still, it won't change the fact that the story has a dramatic ending." Me: "Yes, but remember only the life cycle, everything is reduced to the same. .. "

-

 I felt asleep and woke up the next day at the moment when the sun was coming out. His rays got through the bars and touched Melody's hair.

The door was unlocked, so I went out into the hallway in which Henry, Holly, Nora, Moon Jin and the Black Follower were. Holly: "They were convinced that I was not a person without emotions, I was just an introvert, and that my temporary melancholy isn't dangerous. "And then Henry addressed me:" There was a temporary depression with me and Nora, me because of my wife's loss and for Nora because of the magic's effect. " Moon Jin: "It's similar to me - although in my case it was a fatal outcome, I didn't have any other mental problems. If that fatal event didn't happen, everything would be fine." Black Follower: "I don't have a psyche , since I'm not a living being, and I can't even be in this place. " Then Onyx came and said: "My cure is complete and I can get out of here. It looks like we can all go, you have given us a good alibi not to be here. I hope that you and the others will leave soon too. "

 During the day they left and remained: Black, White, Lana, Ella, Sue, Melody and I. I asked why Ella was still here, and the answer was that Ella never fully recovered from depression, but only had much more mild symptoms than before.

 Breakfast; White this time has more food in front of her, Sue still too much, Melody has got yogurt again and Lana less yogurt with cornflakes inside, but the same total calorie intake as Melody.

 Black and Ella had a normal amount of food. In my plate there were vegetables again, this time with two slices of integral bread and yogurt. I looked at Lana again, and then I asked the doctor who was standing in the other part of the room: "Shouldn't Lana get more food? This way she just keeps starving herself!" Doctor: "You described her on that way. We only serve that what each character usually eats. " Me: "But ... Isn't this a CLINIC?" Doctor: "We can not change the story." Me: "You expect me to change all these stories?" Doctor: "Of course not. We just let you face your creations."

 I don't know how angry I was at that moment, but I know that I could coldly slap somebody. I shouted: "Nobody can order me to change stories that are already written, that's absurd!"

They ignored me. Only Melody, with a smile, said to me: "That's how you fight for your attitudes." Me(ironically): "Well, I fought it."

 Already at lunch, White had a greater amount of food. She seemed to be better for every meal, i.e. it meant that, just like in the story, she quickly managed to get out of it. Melody and Lana were not at lunch. I knew that I was guilty of ruining their lives. More lives that I ruined.

 In the evening, we were back in the garden again, around me the faces of the people I have ruined. I wanted to leave this place but I could not escape, as if somebody locked this goddamn place. I didn't have a lot of choices,so I sat beside Ella with whom I started the conversation: "What happened after your marriage? Have your symptoms diminished? I didn't even think about it while I was writing, I was fourteen years old and I still didn't know I was suffering from depression." Ella: "Yes, I remained melahonic,but I'm better. It's true that I'm not cured, but I have a person who is always with me, he will not let me fall. Thank you for bringing him into my life. "

 Tears were in my eyes. Finally, something positive today. It seemed that Ella and White would go home tomorrow. I know Melody and Sue won't leave. Lana won't leave neither. What about Black?

 I came to her while she was alone. "Hey," she says, pointing to me to sit beside her. Me: "Are you sure? Maybe it's better not to bore you now ..." Black: "You are not my mother. Come on. Anyway, you created me and you can not bore me. "Me:" Okay. I'm sorry to have ruined your life. " Black: "Hey, you gave me an afterlife with my friend Red! I won't forgive you for those sedatives,tho, it could have been different. I guess my character wouldn't be what it was, maybe it was some sort of punishment ... "Me:" No, you are not guilty to me, neither you nor Red, but I didn't want you to die that way. All these nineteen years in that room are the opposite of the scene in which both of you are injured- one moment of adrenaline versus years of loneliness and sadness. Contrast that could only be achieved in this way. " Black: "It's all okay, I understand that it had to be lesson to people to be a little careful in life, at the moment everything can change. You know, I was not accepted by the people at first, but later I was fine. I haven't done any more cut after it. I just wanted to get away from everything, to be free and to drive my motorbike." Me:" I should have let you live. " Black: "But in the end, you gave me freedom in the second story, and got me that awesome guy!" Me: "Teodor? I know that I shouldn't have done it to Lena..." Black: "You have done enough for me." (winked and went inside)

 Sue sat beside me. "Why did you create me if you can't change the past? " Me:" You obviously created me, not the opposite, you are what I refused to admit until the day of writing the story. But,you caught me, Sue. You caught me because I couldn't run away anymore. You've cut me. You brought me that feeling of helplessness, hate, sadness ... You marked me for life ... I don't blame you. I didn't face the past on time, now I have to pay. You are the version that doesn't know how, but knows what, I'm a version that knows how and what, but doesn't know when. Melody knows all these answers. There is only Lana's question: FOR WHO? For you, my past, for the present or for the future? " Sue: "For all. I will haunt you, present will break you and the future will frighten you. I keep your mind in the chains, I remind you of the building in front of which I went to eternal rest and to the people who were around you in this building. You can escape the future, but NEVER CAN CHANGE PAST. I am what you wanted to be at that moment- free. The last moment of freedom. "

 I knew what she was talking about, because this fact was always in my brain, but it still worked differently when another person told me that, even if it was a younger version of me.

 In the evening, again the same room, this time Melody came after me, but now there was no conversation because I've already fell asleep.

 In the morning, Black, White and Ella went home because it was sure they will be safe and wouldn't hurt themselves or others.

 I stayed with my past, present, future and girl who was ruined because of me. Sue and Melody put their hands on my shoulders and said, "Do what you have to do."

 In my hands was a gun.

Melody told me, "One of us will be dead now." I looked at her, and after a few seconds I said, "You expect me to kill someone?" Sue: "If you kill me, you disappear." Melody: "If you kill me, your future won't exist, if you save a bullet for yourself all three of us disappear, and if you kill Lana ... you will only continue what you started." I looked all three of them. I don't want to kill Lana, she didn't do anything to me. Sue ... her spirit only reminds me of what I was ... but she didn't create this chaos in my head, because she also has this the same chaos in her head! Melody ... my older version ... half-alive, half-dead ... Yet again, what I want, to become a musician like she is in my imagination. Still, it seems that the story would end with her death.

 I spoke quietly: "Sue and Melody are already dead in their stories, it is obvious who must die now."

 I moved away from them and looked at Lana again. The revolver fired a bullet that found the way to the heart, but not Lana's but MINE .... I lay in a puddle of my own blood.

 I walked towards the light in my dream ... yet, it was a little beam of the sun that broke through the window of my room. I am alive. I am still in my room, in my bed. I was sleeping. This was the most weird dream ever. Then I remembered- Lana! The story is not over! I need to do something and get that girl out of the claws of depression, anorexia and self-harm. But I already wrote the story, I can't change the first part ...

I have an idea!

-

 Deaf time of the night. The pointers show 0:30 in the morning, with their movement interrupting the silence of the night. The room was dark until one arm turned on the light. The room belonged to Lana, a girl with bright eyes and light hair, who just had the nightmare that awoke her. To forget that nightmare she went to the kitchen, drank a glass of water and made a sandwich for herself. She returned to sleep later.

 Lana is a pretty girl with lots of friends and she loves to spend time with them. She likes to walk around the park with her boyfriend, who often tells her that she is the most beautiful girl in the world and that she is beautiful as she is.

 Mainly wears pastel colors and this makes her even more lovely, and in her bright hair would usually be some flower or decoration.

 She loves to prepare treats for herself and her friends and she can't wait to taste them! She loves the chocolate cake most of all - she eats up to two pieces very quickly, because she can't resist its creamy structure. She is at normal weight and doesn't think about the diet because she thinks that she doesn't need it. She is a great student, always active at classes.

 Lana loves to be surrounded by dear people, although she likes to make new friendships, and it goes hand in hand because she is communicative and witty. She loves her life and enjoys every second of it. She spends free time on the internet, leading her blog where she sets recipes for her treats and positive thoughts to cheer people. And so, I leave Lana in her world to spread joy and positive energy, while I'm going back to my dark world. At least I pulled her out ... It's better like this. It's just a nightmare that has not affected Lana.

 I am ready to accept the defeat. All the characters in my stories got something in return. The only characters who died are my past and my future, Melody and Sue. Sue comes back as a ghost to haunt me, Melody comes to scare me and I'm breaking my soul. I hold life in my hands, but death will come anyway, no matter what will I do. Melody and Sue could not get anything in return - they are me. As Melody would say - maybe it happens, maybe not; life is one MAYBE. That means I might become like her and maybe not. Sue created me, I create Melody.

 Destiny is in my hands, as long as the life cycle does not do its thing and leads me to eternal rest. By then, my art and I live in this world that we will never know and see the faces we have created, watching people in front of us who possess the instinct for the life that has disappeared in us.

 We are waiting for the moment for which we have been predestined since our first breath ...

The End
June 28th, 2015 about 10 AM
Suzana Ristic Suza
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Disscusion and explanation:

 This is the first story in which I exist as an active character (not counting "7 sisters" where it is also written in the first person of singular, but this is really about me). Also, to this day, this story is written in the largest time interval (two years gap between writing, the shortest has a record of 3-4 days, ie, "Year Seasons II", but the story published after this sets overall record with two or three days). The point is that the story was started in June 2013, continued in August of the same year and then again saw the light of the day after unpacking the boxes where I found it unfinished (that means Lana existed before Melody O_O). Given that in real life it went differently, it didn't make sense to continue the story in the same direction. I figured that in front of me I have another person falling into the abyss. I left myself at the clinic to face what I'm doing-in the end, I realized that the only Sue and Melody are my real versions and I don't need more of my versions. It lasted to "Dying again",which is the next in timeline(but published before it), and then I continued ... This should have been the last morbid story, and turned out to be only one of the first. If someone likes it, then I can cheer you with the fact that there is more of this.

 In my original discussion I wrote that this is one of the heavier stories I hope I will never publish, but here it is. I am obviously weird and this story shows my side that I don't often show to people because most are not able to understand, they immediately start to share "tips" and want to "fix" me, but my only goal in life is to become an artist, I am not interested in wasting energy to become something that seems so incredible to me and what I have never been, which doesn't mean that I don't support other people who want to recover, I only invest energy in other things for my own reasons. I as a person don't exist to degree that I want anything related to my life, things that pass are mostly not interesting to me.

 However, look at those stories just as stories, there is no need to complicate things with these "inspired by real events," let it be like watching a horror movie or something like that :D.

 Optimists will hate this story and that's fine, the realists will understand the point and the pessimists take the core of what I wrote, because my views on life are difficult, but realistic, so I declare myself as a realistic pessimist. During the writing of the story, I have nineteen years and nothing has changed even four years later, I'm thinking as an old person who feels the inevitability of the end. My body is now young, but the soul is old for a long time.

 Until the story in which Sue is main character I characterized depressed people as someone who is sensitive, who does not fit into the idyllic image of my story, i.e. I inserted a part of myself into them. Then Sue came and everything changed. The story was not perfect (it's written for one and a half day, but it's much shorter than "YS II") and it showed the feeling of nothingness that settled in and stayed there. Then I created Melody, which got name from my song, and Sue was partly inspired by my name. When I added a part where she didn't die, with later an extension of the story written in the same notebook, it would be stupid to reveal details. Melody is dead in every case, there is no other end. For me there is only the present with occasional glance at the past, and the future is MYSTERY (actually I always plan what's next since young age, never feel curent moment and barely remember past, but at the moment of writing this sentence felt right) . What else should you expect from a weird person?

 Follows: Without exaggeration, I can say that comes one of my favorite stories that breaks the record for the fastest written, and it also has a record for the longest discussion ;)