Person with four different personalities

 

I'm not someone who likes to share her private life on social networks, partly because I'm not a socially active person and I don't leave the house often (and no, no matter what others tell me I wouldn't change that, activity of socialization drains a lot of energy even in small doses), and partly because my life is quite reduced to the inner world, which I prefer to eventually share in stories, indirectly. Certainly, since I am not (I hope not) selfish, then there must be social interactions in my life, and I try as hard as I can to show that friendly side, regardless of my introversion, although I am most sincerely annoyed by the situation of so-called "flirting" through messages, especially since I always emphasize that aspect of life does not interest me in real life. I consider superficial conversations a waste of time, but I guess society is used to that system where there are no discussions on a topic or conversations about deeper feelings, it seems that we have all become alienated from each other. I don't care, I prefer to "read" a person's behavior, energy, voice and body language instead of words, so they don't have to tell me anything and I already know that somehow. There are things we want someone to notice, and yet we don’t want to reveal them to the wrong person because of the possible consequences. There are also situations when the people who are responsible for helping us ignore what is happening (whether it is parents, guardians, teachers, doctors, police ...) and then leave us even more helpless. Maybe I also wanted someone to notice some things, but I was afraid that I would act as someone who seeks attention, who seeks pity or as a pre-dramatic person. Well, it really ended that way, in this world it's as if only the dead people get validation that something wasn't right, but it's not as if it means a lot to them after all. In our world, it is more logical to cry because of a broken vase than to move the vase from the edge of the table before it falls.

Here, I started the introduction about private life and finished with a completely different topic, building on the previous sentence and merging them into a fluid whole. I work like that all the time when I talk to myself and when I write. When I talk to people, I usually stutter (partly because of social anxiety because I panic), I can't finish the presentation, I feel like the person is not interested in what I'm talking about, so that discourages me from continuing. As if no one takes me for a serious interlocutor, I get the impression that someone considers me a crazy person who talks nonsense, while I actually stand behind the concept of what I (try to) present. Adapting to others and valuing their opinions in that case brings me more harm than good, I try to be better to others to feel that I am valuable enough, so I analyze what reactions others have towards me because I want a more realistic picture. My observation is that I leave almost no impression at all, and even when I do, it is usually not something positive. Instead of a philosopher artist with several personalities, I usually leave the impression of an impersonal, boring, clumsy, stupid person, added to that ridicule from childhood and constant underestimation, so I'm not at all surprised that I have social anxiety and that it interferes with others aspects of life.

I wanted this article to be something like a "get to know better", I guess the philosophical part of my personality prefers to discuss anything rather than random things. Maybe I'm really boring, but not because of a lack of personality, but because of a too complicated personality that I can't express in the right way. I have already written in the story "Inside of Chaos" that since childhood I have four people in my head who are in charge of different aspects of the psyche, life and different interests, the mind itself divided everything into wholes when it did not know what to do. Last year I did a personality test (several times from several different places) and got the result that I am an INFJ personality type, many unusual things I did finally made more sense, because they are actually a normal part of the functions of that personality type. Introverted intuition is fine, but for me personally my thoughts have become too chaotic due to my mental state, I like that I use logic and feeling equally, it's good that I think ahead and often "predict" the sequence of events (it's just observation and connection, no prediction). However, because of that same function, I do not feel the current moment because my brain is programmed for the future, and I often overload myself with some kind of work that I have to finish by the deadline I set for myself. Let's not lie, because of that function, I am constantly planning a certain act that I wrote about in more personal stories, I always have a plan that it will happen "soon, in the future" and so I somehow continue with this stupidity. On several occasions, I wished for enough spontaneity to not care what others will do after that, it's not that I'm very caring or something (if I'm talking about the closest people, they are one of the reasons why I'm where I am, so love is long gone), it all came down to responsibility towards someone and the need not to offend anyone. For one artist, life without freedom of thought and creation is equal to death, and that's exactly how I've felt for years, as if something is missing (not someone in the sense of love, but something I can't determine) and as if I'm trapped.

Another thing that irritates me a bit with my personality type is introverted thinking, because it is inconvenient to explain some point of the imagined, especially with abstract things, and I look like I'm stupid even though I think at all times. The brain is constantly overloaded with several different thoughts at the same time, either personal things, or regarding the issue of humanity and its functioning, or religion and its positive and negative sides, to imagining different scenarios. The last one calms and upsets me at the same time, and the big problem is that I like that even dreaming is realistic with small details, and I usually don't dream about positive things, every detail is important to me for the whole.

I don't know how to describe myself if I had to, and other people, it seems, would do that even harder (unless we count the already mentioned expressions). I would like someone in my life to really know me and think that I am at least a little interesting person, but I know that people like simplicity and a highlighted side of personality, which is not the case with me because every side is hidden in the beginning, and I know that every is opposite of each other, so I would act as if I am a hypocritical person, and in fact I can't keep one side all the time because someone likes that personality and not the other one, nor do I want such a restriction. I like to show my interests by following things that interest me on social networks, but I'm bored to emphasize that in my posts, my personal taste is only mine, so I don't like to brag about it, then it loses its charm. It's the same with my works, I don't want to treat them as a product that I will promote all the time, it's true I don't have many readers but I believe that one day a person will come across one of the profiles where the stories are and they will like what they read. Well, that one person who would really enjoy and understand the work would be worth more to me than being a "popular author". By understanding my points and thoughts, that person will also understand me, which, no matter how much I hate to admit it, has always been a subconscious desire of mine - for someone to believe me, to understand my point and not to condemn me for the things I say and do. I want to believe that through art I will one day succeed in that, even after my death.