Chain that holds me down for years

  * Warning: In this article, I respect other people's privacy as always, but I deal with a somewhat touchy topic that directly mentions some people from my past, my goal was not to insult anyone but to point out some things from my perspective. Keep in mind that I do not condemn the place for all my own and other people's problems (especially not for other people's because I do not want to exploit someone's tragedy, maybe they did not have any problems with that place but I had to mention them, I apologize in advance for touching so sensitive topics), I tried to be as objective as possible in writing and yet to share my experience. *

  It could be said, at least judging by my age, that I am seemingly an adult. If we exclude the fact that I don't care what a fictitious human society expects from a person my age, it is really obvious that there is a problem in all this and that a part of me is trapped in a period that I can never bring back and fix. The irony is that I have always been motivated by what follows, but what has not existed for a long time has captured me so much that I can't break away and continue as it should be. I became ashamed to talk about some traumas, I will quote myself from the previous article where I mentioned that I observe human reactions, so I am discouraged by the very thought of honestly saying something to someone and getting a bad reaction. For a person who tries to understand everyone's point of view and support people (as much as possible, it is impossible to support every human idea and activity) it is hard to take, if I already give them understanding and trust I expect the same in return, although it has become exausting to go through identical conversations, so that I spend less and less time communicating with other beings. I talk to myself regularly, four people from my brain regularly lead debates, mostly the destructive side Suza and the intellectual side Suzia, while the artistic side Suzy and Susan (who is in charge of several side things) rarely add their opinions on different topics.

  One of the topics they keep coming back to is the period that made Suza, otherwise a relatively positive part of  personality, a real monster. Under normal circumstances, she would turn into something else (because she was partly childish naivety and discovering of the world), and not a self-destructive creature that could hurt someone else, and Susan would probably have a much different role than constantly thinking about not being worthy of anything and has a whole range of problems related to physical appearance and lack of self-confidence (ie I might have a more normal psyche so I would be interested in love and that nonsence). I attended primary/elementary school in the period from September 2002 to June 2010, which is less than a third of my life from the present time, but that period still does not leave me alone, no matter how hard I tried to forget, change the point of looking at it or concentrating on something else. I feel like an idiot living in the past, even though I want it all to leave me alone, I don’t want to act like I’m deliberately thinking about it and masochistically invoking all those memories to constantly whine about it. I've just written about it for so many times that I'm constantly paranoid that someone will tell me that I'm annoying with this topic, that no one cares about the nonsense that happened more than ten years ago. I'm sorry if that's the case, I don't like bothering people.

  Until two years ago, I kept stickers on almost all faces in the pictures from elementary school, so that I would be less reminded if I opened the album. Considering how much I look like an wraith in every picture I should have completely covered myself with stickers, but I am forced to watch that wraith every time the reflection of my face is showing in some kind of mirror, so it would be in vain, I can't escape its horror. Others were not horrible in terms of looks (well, it's not like anyone was uglier than me, and I'm still ugly, I hope I die soon so that no one looks at me like this anymore), I just tried to forget some things and thought that it will help, in a short period of time it did help. I also have a school monograph, at first I couldn't flip through it because the pictures brought back negative feelings, usually every flipping was accompanied by alcohol (during the phase when I was close to becoming an alcoholic), crying, and sometimes self-harm. I wanted to be able to flip through that damn book without getting upset, over time I managed to stay cool until the penultimate page, where there is a picture of another class of our generation that clearly shows a person who is no longer alive. I don't know how much the school has a share in that and other cases, but several people have already died during school or after finishing that school, by that I mean suicide as the cause of death. The news in April 2016 were full of headlines about a girl M. who at the age of 13 jumped from a building for wheat storage in the city, which was located one street next to my ex-street (we were in yard of that object during practice in high school and I noticed a ladder on the building, but I used to have a nearby railway in mind when I was thinking about where I could be liquidated, because beggining of my street had a railway that separated those two streets), last year an eighteen-year-old boy who finished that school was killed by jumping off a bridge far from the city (There is no bridge near the town from which you can jump, I know because I went to a more remote village where I knew there was some bridge, at least to see if the height is enough for death, but I did not arrive because of my uncle who recognized me in passing), recently a person I know gave me information that another boy had ended his life, I did not ask for details because the information itself is gruesome enough. I add to that an event from our generation (for which the circumstances are not very clear, and public opinion does not have to know all the details, I hope that at least the police did their job), and at the end of last year there was a murder of a young man near school, all these cases are current for a short time and then nothing, forget it until someone eventually accidentally mentions it, and it is somehow imposed through the conversation that it is something else but suicide. I was especially disgusted by the comments below the news of little M.'s death, because the scholars behind the keyboard were extremely annoyed that a thirteen-year-old girl has a boyfriend, which was suddenly the main topic (back in the past, most girls were married or even had kids at that age - I don't support it because many of them were forced to do it in some way, and now that we supposedly have a freedom to decide, someone is terrified that someone has a boyfriend at that age. What hypocrisy.), completely ignoring that there were signs that something was wrong, like self-harm, running away from classes and posting depressive statuses on the social network. It gets on my nerves when everyone catches on to some detail like “drunk man catches on the fence” (Serbian saying for someone who is only sticking to one detail or fact, thus ignoring other facts) so it’s suddenly the center of the problem, and everything else becomes irrelevant.

  As I mentioned, I don't know how much the school itself has a stake in these cases (in my case it will certainly have, although my main reason is still family problems, but this added salt on the open wound), I just want to point out that something about that place is not right. When two students (one of whom is from our school) fought in front of the other school, it was important who would have that video of their fight and who would laugh at them more. It wasn't really funny to me, it's a pity that no one reacted not only to punish, but to see what the problem was. There was a lot of underestimation due to financial status, children of Gypsy's ethnicity and children from a nearby orphanage were all seen with some kind of degradation (I personally talked to them, I remember a very nice Gypsy girl with beautiful hair who was humiliated by many, we talked one morning in the hallway), there was some form of elitism among richer children and those who had parents "in position". True, why would anyone protect the fat Suzana whose father constantly comes to the primary school teacher to report a problem with another student, when that father is not some important man in the town but someone who by force of circumstances ended up in another town and struggled to earn and make something (which in the end they took from us / destroyed anyway), and that nothing had been done yet. I have complained so many times about this particular case, nothing has been done. On the other hand, what was important is that we received criticism after each break because the dust in the classroom was raised due to the chase, while I was scolded for sitting in my seat too much and got scared by a teacher with "in higher grades you will have to go outside during the break", as if it's the scariest thing in the world. So I started to panic about going outside (I still don't feel comfortable when I am outside), in the upper grades I was nervous before literally every first and second (big) break when the weather was warmer, I was afraid of being thrown out and of the teachers shouting at us to come out. As far as I noticed from the fact that the children could hardly wait to go inside after the bell, it seems that I was not the only one who could not stand being thrown outside.

  I was especially afraid of a teacher who did not teach me (I will not name, my goal is not to talk about some specific people but to point out certain problems and unpleasant experiences, it may be useful for someone else) who even entered the locker rooms for  P.E. and other rooms to kick us out. I almost cried once when she told me "if you were really cold and sick you wouldn't dress like that" (I had a thinner blouse under my tracksuit because it was unsettled autumn or spring weather, it was warmer inside than outside and I really was ill), I asked to go at least for a jacket upstairs. I knew when most of teachers were on duty both upstairs and downstairs, on certain days I panicked more, especially if the cabinets were further away, I made whole strategies on how to get to the cabinet as soon as possible to avoid them. My big problem was that I drank a lot of water due to diabetes (at that time I was not diagnosed), and we were not allowed to go to the toilet during the breaks if they throw us out, after the bell it was always crowded, so it created panic (and then they ask you why you’re late for class when you had a break for basic necessities). My stomach is always upset when I'm surrounded by people and I was mostly sitting at the first desk (I still have this health problem), so I was constantly upset while I was in class, I could only function better in Serbian class in the library when I sat at the last desk.

  While growing up I tried to fulfill everything that adults/ authorities wanted me to do, I hoped it would bring me something good, it was propagated that I should listen to the elders so I did it, even when it was aganist with what my intuition told me. You see, that famous rebellion in puberty that most people go through is actually a rejection of the fact that "adults" continue to impose their choices on us as in childhood; the problem with this is that teenagers immediately get stuck to cigarettes, alcohol, even drugs and similar things that have nothing to do with this rejection of "authority" (you have no right to talk, Suzana, in every other personal story you drink and take some pills, you can't complain about that topic) ... uh, yes, let me continue the sentence - young people need freedom to make decisions because it is the first step towards independence, they also need the support of adults, but without adults ordering them what to do and deciding instead of them. Well, that's where my dissatisfaction arose - even in the lower grades of elementary school I was able to make decisions, I had solid intuition and logic for my age and I knew what bothered me and what the outcome awaited me about a situation. For example, on an excursion in the fourth grade, I had great discomfort; I have nothing to be ashamed of because I'm not guilty of anything, but I certainly regret that I didn't rebel because I was already old enough, I was afraid there would be a worse outcome. Namely, the bathroom door of our hotel room did not even close, let alone could be locked, and the teacher insisted that I have to take a bath as if the fate of humanity or something like that depended on it. I said I didn't want to, I wasn't sure someone wouldn't break into the bathroom (in case someone didn't understand from at least a million of my sentences from stories and blogs, I'm sensitive when it comes to looks, physical contact and nudity, I shudder even when I have to hug relatives (for example) - nothing personal, relatives, it's up to me and not to you - let alone the situation that I'm going to describe with great difficulty, my stomach turns upside down because of it), I didn't want to take a risk, but then I had no choice. While the teacher was in the room with the girls I shared the room with, I panicked and hurried to take a shower as soon as possible while she was still with them, but I soon heard she came out so I didn't even finish showering, thought it was enough at least not to hear her complaining anymore. I got dressed and went back to the room. After a few minutes she came back and they told her I didn't shower, so she got mad at me, made me go to the bathroom and I had to put away all my clothes (with the great discomfort), and then she bathed me like I was preschooler and not eleven year old! Not even my mother bathed me at that age! Like a cherry on the top, those two girls peeked through the door and laughed, just what I wanted to avoid! I felt so humiliated that even today I can't calm down when I remember that - instead of asking me what was wrong and meeting my needs she made the situation worse, that's what quiet students get when want to avoid problems and further humiliation. Everyone justifies that they do not have bad intentions, no one thinks about the consequences.

  I received the most reprimands during my schooling because of the physical education classes, which were the most stressful for me. If someone asked me nicely why I do the things I did and talked to me, instead of trying to convince me and order me how I should work, maybe some things would be clear to them, I was not an unreasonable brat with whom they could not to talk seriously. Maybe I still didn't know everything about my psyche as I do now, but a school psychologist could jump in and help me explain concepts like panic and shame about my own appearance, and maybe we could get to the topic that due to constant ridicule from different side (even on the street) combined with family-administrative problems at the age of twelve I had thoughts of suicide, in that period even started with self-harm by hitting my head (over which I have no control anymore and the condition of the head has recently deteriorated). At school, we saw a psychologist in the hallways and as a replacement for absent teachers, but there was no more active work with students who needed some kind of help, it was mostly taken over by class teachers, I'll come back to that later. As for the physical, they convinced me to "do at least something in class so that I don't get a bad grade because I'm a good student", and they didn't notice how even our class laughs at me when I run or do anything because of my weight, plus when there were other classes - it was hell. In the fourth grade we had a teacher for one of the three classes a week, I was active as much as I could and there were no major problems, while in the fifth grade something cut me off and it didn't work anymore, and since then it becomes one of the most stressful memories in my life. Now as an adult I know the causes of my anxiety, if I had the current psyche then I would do the same as Sue in "It Will Never Be Better", I would rebel and leave, so let them shout at whoever they want, I wouldn't even care if they kick me out from school (it's not like it would be a great pity, I would save at least part of my health). I always had a tracksuit and sneakers (and today I wear mostly tracksuits because it has been engraved in my brain since then), and I got minuses because I allegedly didn't have shorts and a white T-shirt. I wore a white T-shirt under that upper tracksuit until about seven grade, but I kept quiet so that the teacher didn't force me to take off my tracksuit, shorts were often symbolically in my bag, but I haven't worn that item of clothing since childhood. Puberty is stressful enough on its own, and certain changes on my body further lowered my self-confidence, so I dressed more and more to hide my body, plus I gained a few more kilos during that period. The class teacher also tried to persuade me to "start wearing a T-shirt and shorts, it's no shame, others wear it too." I saw how much some other girls liked to wear shorts - they wore leggings underneath it to cover the legs to the knees, the teacher shouted at them to change clothes and stay only in shorts,  they were dressed that way even when we had class outside during colder weather. I beg the Ministry of Education to include the tracksuit as an equal part of sports equipment on behalf of all children who for any reason do not want or cannot wear shorts and T-shirts, especially on behalf of adolescent girls who are already uncomfortable enough due to changes on their body and who may be uncomfortable with someone staring at them, no matter what their body type is. Thanks in advance if you appreciate this, I may not be alive to see it, but it means a lot to me.

 Relations with the class have always been tense, I tried to get into less conflict and communication with others because I knew that it could not end favorably for me. I would not like to write again about the quarrels with the class, because I am now writing about the school and its functioning, but I mentioned earlier that I was gossiped about several times because of things like the conditions in which I live. A person who was close to that conversation told me that several of them told the physical education teacher who did not teach us that I did not have a bathroom (because yes, that is a thing that is talked about all around, I also heard student A.G. from my class joking about it and spreading that information to children from another class during a common German class); instead of the educator condemning talking about such a private topic in that way, he even asked "how does she bathe then". I maintained my hygiene regularly, thanks for asking, my bigger problem was that my mother had to hand-wash my clothes every Saturday, regardless of the weather conditions. There were also more difficult things about our material status, but I kept quiet about it because they humiliated me enough because of this. I didn't even expect help, and it's not that I wanted it either because I'm embarrassed to receive help, all I wanted was that no one make fun of me. At the beginning of the fifth grade my class teacher, seeing that I was "shy" (by the way, I'm not shy, but I simply don't have the urge to socialize) urged me to "hang out" with others a little more. In high school, no one forced me to hang out, and I had a decent relationship with the class (I was still in my own world because I'm such a person, but I communicated with everyone normally and had no major quarrels), my circle of frequent communication were two people , of which the second was harder to reach because she was friendly neutral (she didn't make fun of anyone and had a mild approach, so almost everyone wanted her in company, and we are in touch from time to time but I don't bother her). I consider this act as a good intention, but wrongly performed, but many times it happened that someone imposed guilt on me for things which I needed help for; in the first place are my parents who still shout at me because of expressing emotions / opinions and similar things that they do not like, I can not deny that, but there were such situations in school as well. I have already mentioned some kind of order for things that I was old enough to refuse, with respect to the rules and teachers (nowadays some children exaggerate with indiscipline in class, I know that classes are boring but we should at least show some respect to educators, and phones are even more distracting than at the time of my schooling), when I look back at this age I see that from first to eighth grade it was presupposed that guilt is usually attributed to the student, mostly under the excuse that others have gone through it too and yet they weren't complaining, it turns out that students like me are just spoiled. And now, as I write this, I feel like a dramatic lunatic that no one will believe anyway, but I will take that epithet just to write what has been going on in my head for years, this is one of the more complex articles that is quite inconvenient to write because even in fiction I avoid mentioning anyone from reality as much as possible, let alone here where I write openly, knowing that some of the participants have a chance to read it. When a person is near the end of his life, then he doesn't care about anything, so I use that to move the limit of my censorship, while maintaining the privacy of all persons.

  I said I would return to the topic of class teachers; they have taken over the role of psychologists in their class (depending on the person), but I think that in most schools in the country the institution is not sufficiently informed about what happens to students, which is a big omission because we spend more waking time at school than at home. I don't think that the class teachers are to blame for the tragedies that happened in our school, at least I am sure for the case from our generation, I have only words of praise for the class teacher of their class because he taught us as well. Even for a class teacher to the boy who jumped off a bridge I can’t say anything bad, her classes were interesting even though the subject is difficult and she is also a nice person for whom I have always had a positive opinion. It would be a sin to say something against my class teacher, I appreciate her as a person and appreciate everything she did, she even wanted to pay me to go to prom and dress just to come (I didn't go for other reasons, but I appreciate the gesture), in all the stories with the theme of elementary school she is a more positive character who represents a counselor (which, of course, does not help me in the story because I am programmed to self-destruction). There was an argument with her during the seventh or eighth grade; she thought I was angry about the grade (I did something wrong on the test so I got four plus, that's equal to B+, I was maybe angry at myself for being wrong, not at her because of the grade or to be jealous that the person next to me got the best grade, but it turned out that way), I started avoiding her in the hallways and had significantly fewer conversations with her, and one morning she yelled at me for at least ten minutes when I didn't say "good morning" like everyone else. It didn’t just end there in elementary school (I’m going to seem like a jerk in the next few lines, but I’ll write the reason in the end, before you burn me at the stake) but I saw her on several occasions during high school (since the road from my high school is close to the place where she walks by) and I would usually cross the street before she sees me or tried to be invisible and pass by as quickly as possible, even when I once had to pass right next to her during of re-building of the green market (I don't know if she didn't see me or she didn't even recognize me, I had lost a lot of weight then, so it wouldn't be strange to me either). I thought I saw her in high school near where we had class; I don't know if it was my paranoia or it really happened, I only know that I immediately went downstairs and returned only when I was sure that no one similar was around. I also had a paranoid thought that I would somehow meet her in my father's village when we visited grandfather in 2012 (the place is over 100 km away, that's how crazy I was), I had nightmares for years where I ran away from her and I still have nightmares in  relation to primary/elementary school (although I said in the story "Lollypop" that they became less disturbing - they returned to the old intensity), I avoided mentioning the names of almost everyone from primary/elementary school and would be upset every time I mention that school or the name of some student/ teacher, I strategically avoided parts of the city where I could potentially meet some of them (and panicked if I saw someone at least from a distance), I also didn't look for them on Facebook and later Instagram when I opened the profiles.

  I guess that's one of the reasons why I ran away from it all so much, even from her, I wanted to forget about elementary school completely and move on. When my depression got worse at the age of sixteen, so I started cutting, mixing sedatives with alcohol and even attempted suicide, it was more than clear to me that I would never be able to get rid of it all, everything from the past years got me. I haven't opened that Pandora's box for a long time (and writing this is a huge thing for my psyche), but I eventually started to unfold these layers a bit and analyze that period. I realized one thing about the class teacher and her role in my psyche, I will write even though it seems stupid to me (literally everything I write is stupid, so you won't notice the difference). Namely: in the period from the fifth to the eighth grade, my parents were busy with other things and there were more and more quarrels and problems at home, so most of time in my house I spent alone with my doll family (the only thing that calmed me down and motivated me was my imaginary world), or I listened to discussions / quarrels about these problems. I started to get sick a lot (I am still suffering from most of my current health problems since then), and I've gained even more weight with all the weight I've had. At school, the situation was as it was, it happened that I had inconveniences on the way home because of ridicule. In that period, I did not need what everyone thought and suggested, that is - hanging out with other children, I actually needed an adult who would notice that something was happening, especially when suicidal thoughts started. When the student died, I hoped that they became more aware of the topic at school, that something would change and that they would understand that someone else might be thinking about that act too (maybe it wasn't just me, maybe there was also someone else who never said), but there was no change. I wanted to tell the class teacher something about it because I felt it was important, but I didn’t want to act dramatically or get any more criticism, as time went on I realized it would stay that way so it further frustrated me. I realized that what really hurt me was not what was said and done, but what was not, although I would never know the outcome of what would have happened if I had told the whole story. I was waiting for one of the adults to notice so it wouldn't seem as I am seeking attention, that created even stronger frustration and disappointment, and I trusted her the most in that school, so it turned out that I was most angry with her. I'm sorry that I didn't understand the reason for my anger in time, I'm sorry that I didn't greet her when I saw her and that I acted like ungrateful jerk, I admit that part of the guilt. I've had fictitious conversations for a hundred times where I imagined what I would say to someone (I do it every day with other characters) and, honestly, I don't know what would I say to her anymore. Part of me still feels frustrated and would cynically talk about elementary school and how far it has taken me, another part feels guilty and thinks I was too hard on some people because of my pain, even such a version of conversation would be morbid because difficult topic couldn't be avoided. In any case, I have nothing to brag about for my successes, unless ten years without ending my life is not some sort of a success (a miracle certainly is, success not really). I don't want to create problems or spoil anyone's mood, so it's better to stay away from all of them, let them live life if at least they can - I would feel selfish if I put this burden on someone else, because nothing can be done anyway in my case, it's deadend.

  I would say that this topic will follow me to death, apparently, I don't know what else I can do. This article did not serve to insult anyone, nor to present me as a martyr (it is my fault that I was crazy and believed that the elderly should be listened to at all costs and that they are always right), I know that someone will be offended and usually it's a big problem to me, but it seems like a bigger problem that the town's cemetery is getting filled with young people that might have been saved. As a school, you have good success in competitions in various fields, but do not forget the most important task - you are not just a place to learn, you are a place that creates our psyche, the eight most important years of developing our personality. Your role is huge, much bigger than just to teach children the lessons and to go home; if you make mistakes in those eight years, you change or destroy certain aspects, and even the whole life of that child who will not remain a child forever, they will become an adult who can never turn back time to change the injustice that is done. No matter how much you like to hear about former students who have achieved some great achievements, remember that there are those of us who are still stuck in your walls, trying to get out and never come back, but nightmares keep bringing us back to those desks, to those hallways where we spent years, forcing us to relive it. The best forgiveness will be to work on repressing elitism at school and preventing bullying/degrading of students, activating psychologists who will talk to ALL students during the year; if at least someone gets help before the tragedy happens - consider that you have achieved something more important than first place in competitions, you will save a young life and save some parent's child. If, God forbid, this series continues (and if it weren't me as a former student, since that death would have been expected and obvious), then immediately burn that cursed place, no one is sending a child to the guillotine, but to education. Period.