-TO SOME UNKNOWN PEOPLE THAT I KNOW-
#Translating this because why the hell not
Disclaimer: There is no need for panic because I am not actively preparing for anything, but my father's condition is still very bad and I can no longer endure sleepless nights since August and bad situation in the house, both material and deteriorated health of each of us, so there is possibility that as a person of bad mental state I break without any warning and planning. That's why I wanted to post this article that's written in June (so, before truck accident), all of this is really unpredictable and my soul is tired of everything, I don't need any advice or whatever because nothing can be used out of it in this situation, I can't think only of my health condition and life since long ago. I also have no use of anyone telling me how everything will turn out good in the end because I feel like that someone is underestimating seriousity of situation, I am aware that every day can happen what would happen one day anyway. Article can be disturbing because of the personal point of view.
We have reached the end (and why that shouldn't be a problem):
I guess this is the last time I'll annoy audience with my boring philosophical-psychological nonsense, even tho nobody cared for anything I write, maybe someone will accidentally get here to see what it's about. I don't know why would I confess to anyone anymore, I've already wrote everything - maybe at some moments way more than I should, but my words are only speaking nonsense and no one would waste their time on reading it (and I don't mind it, you don't need this negativity in your life). Link to this blog was posted on my Instagram profile since 2019, on Twitter and Facebook I share link to blog and stories since 2018, link was even on my Deviantart profile for years (plus other profiles as Pinterest where I shared link to stories). Everything is written, even if anyone who I know took their time to read I don't know would anything change, I hoped that at least during my life someone will completely understand and accept the way I am, without persuading that I have to change myself to be good to someone (but I likely have avoidant personality disorder and have urge to push people away, I am complete loner). It's all in vain, no matter how much you change yourself there will be something that bothers others. That's why I gave up first from changing myself, then I gave up people and communication with them (or it was vice versa, who the hell cares from this point - the fact is that I gave up both). Blame me for that as well if you want to, I don't give a damn, but you can't deny that people are contributing that sensitive persons like me move away because it's too hard to endure the way this society's functioning.
I am a horrible person and I don't want that someone cries for me and represent me as a good person, you don't know me. I am emotionless selfish jerk who's not capable to keep friendships, who's not capable to love anyone and who's, quoting the caption from the most of my profiles, "lost in her little (disordered) world". I am constantly dissatisfied, oversensitive stupid girl who's complaining all the time, who's making other's lives worse and bothers them with her constant morbidity. I am a lunatic who can't dress normally, who can't have normal eating habbits, who can't behave normal, who doesn't react properly in the certain situations, who doesn't look decent and represent mockery in her enviroment. Always ill, I will never be good for anything- I feel like a sloth who will never be able to help family, other persons of my age are making more effort. I am waste on this planet, there will never be any use of me neither on economic way nor in a term of changing situation of natality in country, so refrain from disgusting comments about "young person who could have continue the human race", I feel like stabbing myself even on the very though about whole that process, I wrote about how much physical contact freaks me out. Homosapiens species (ie human species, for those who weren't on these biology classes) maybe really should be reduced, I will give my contribution to that, too bad it won't save some other species of plants and animals from our destruction. Next, I am fatalist, pessimistic realist who constantly worries and panicks, taking sedatives to annoy people around me less (well, at some moments I even overtook them and watered them down with some booze, if you know what I mean), prone to paranoia to extend to lose contact with reality (tho I am mostly in my world, so paranoia really helps me to completely lose my mind).
I've became aggresive, cynical and disgusting person, I hate what time is turning me into, I become opposite of things I am standing for. I am boring, non-charismatic person who will never reach anything with her art, because that art has no quality to be liked by anyone - average voice on which's training I spent years, stories and songs that I've wrote wanting to alleviate my internal problems, drawings below average. I am aware that I was never worth of art, the only thing I cared about enough to dedicate to the last several years of my life - I would kill myself earlier if the thought about creation of my own songs didn't keep me here, but since 2021 I felt that will for everything is gone, I saw there will be nothing out of it. I posted acapella versions, that's not my full potential of voice, some illness destroyed my lungs and capacity of air and since then I barely sing, that breaks me inside even more. I am a person who owns certain amount of knowledge that isn't useful in your world; it's true that I call myself stupid, but stop with the stereotype that persons with some mental disorder have lower inteligence - lower concentration is common symptom, but most of personality and mood disorders DO NOT have impact on overall inteligence. Just because I have never felt comfortable in your world doesn't mean I wasn't functional in my world, you got used to humilate each others (at some point to humilate me too, again I mention that I am not stupid so I see and hear when someone is underestimating me or considers me clumsy/stupid/crazy etc.). History showed how much is human race prone to humilation and quarrels; we learn more about tragedy and mindlessness of human civilisation than about empathy and genius ideas that changed a world, we know more about the ones who killed and destroyed than the ones who saved and created (if anyone ever remembers them), pages of human history are full of quarrels that people created because of beliefs full of hate (without valid reason) on various bases, whether it's on nationalism, rasism, religion, gender discrimination, discrimination of ill people, lately there is also discrimination because of orientation. To the most of people it's easier to blame someone else, and you wash your hands by saying that's good for you, but remember that every mistake of yours that you don't take the responsibility for will make a problem for someone else, leaving them to carry a burden of your wrong acts. During my life, I tried to apologize to all people to whom I feel I have hurt or did something wrong, a lot of these people didn't even remember that I've done something to them - I remember and that's enough, that's probably a good sign that at least my conscience is working. I am sorry if I have hurt anyone else, I couldn't apologize in person (for obvious reason), but I am trully sorry, even tho I know that words alone can't fix anything.
I could name more examples why no one should cry over this bastard who is writing all of this, instead of wasting your time on grieving for me realise that exactly in this moment someone else is preparing for this act or thinking about it - you will neither bring me back nor appease my miserable departed soul by trying hard to squeze out some positive memory that you shared with me. Let me make it easy for you right away - you probably don't even remember me, and I spent most of my life in some kind of isolation and hiding from people to avoid ridicule (because I was bullied as a child), although many times they stared at me even when I'm sitting in my own yard, it seems that my long sleeves in the middle of the summer were very interesting. I have no doubt that the scars and cuts would have been just as interesting if I had dressed "normally", so be thankful you didn't have the opportunity to look at the several inch deep cuts, I think the long sleeves were a nicer sight no matter how much you made fun of me for it. To return to what I started in this paragraph, and which is the most important fact in this entire very tiring article - I AM NOT THE LAST ONE who will suffer like this, this will continue to happen because it is unlikely that anything will change. Parents will continue with the attitude of "my child is fine, this will not happen to him" (or with a whole range of excuses that deny reality), institutions will not even deal with our cases, educators will finish their shifts without much interaction even when things like bullying happen in front of their eyes, psychiatrists will prescribe a bunch of pills that are supposed to make a person more functional, the media will write sensationalistically about each subsequent suicide and want to know as much information as possible (just to tell you that on us who have suicidal thoughts such texts generally have a negative effect, they encourage us to think according to the principle - they are done with it, then what am I waiting for? The comments on your sites are already a story for themselves, hardly anyone has any empathy), the environment will judge everything ( but literally everything) that someone does. It's easy to wash your hands of responsibility (by this I'm primarily referring to all our cases where these problems have existed since childhood), but it's hard to wash your hands of the cemetery soil with which you bury us sooner or later. It took me quite a while for other reasons, otherwise you could have buried me as early as twelve - when I first thought about the act, at sixteen - when the first attempt came, or several times after that when I was near the end. Here, now I made a little effort because I know that I can't make a mistake and remain at your mercy, that's why I waited for perfect circumstances (otherwise I could have done this earlier, but I waited for every detail to set up, it's not like it matters if I've been waiting for this for ten years or three months, I've been dead inside all this time anyway). Well, that's it, it's not like you're going to read this much (congratulations if you did, but the majority to whom these words of mine are addressed won't even finish the first paragraph, let alone read the whole article). So - DON'T CRY FOR A BROKEN VASE, YOU WILL NOT GET IT BACK - TAKE AWAY THE ONES NEAR THE EDGE OF THE TABLE, DON'T WAIT FOR THEM TO FALL. DON'T CONDEMN EVEN THOSE WHO FELL AND DID NOT BROKE, IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT IT WILL NOT HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE (even experience has shown us that it is highly likely that they will fall again, watch out for them too). Don't let the vases be broken in vain, even though they are not eternal. Maybe that very vase is the most valuable thing in your life, without you even realizing it.
You all talk about some hope that "it will get better" (and most of them don't believe it themselves), but it will never get better for me because I just don't want anything. I don't want any specific scenario, especially not the ones you outlined as the norm, I don't even want those completely unconventional scenarios that are part of my daydreams, I don't feel like getting through anything. As an artist, I love freedom, both in thinking and living, but even my unfulfilled desire for a solitary life away from other people would not make me stay in this world, although my soul longs for that feeling of complete freedom. However, in order to try such a scenario, it is necessary to completely break all chains, which would be accompanied by a huge sence of guilt, because it would be more important what others think about it. This act, which is the main topic of today's debate, represents for me the moment of freedom that I have been waiting for years, that moment when I don't think about others, their needs and feelings, when I put myself first and only. I'm fulfilling my (only remaining) wish that I've been thinking about every day for more than a decade and dreaming about in my dreams, even though I know the difficult scenario that follows. Are you going to judge me as being selfish for that? Go on, do it, it will be a compliment, because all my life I have mostly favored other people, some of whom poisoned my soul and broke my brain and heart into pieces. I'D BETTER DIE FOR MYSELF THAN LIVE FOR OTHERS. I don't care if you understand and support me, you haven't done that for many other things before either.
As far as I'm concerned, I'm done, if someone really needs something more, there's more in the blog articles and stories (primarily "13 deaths", which was written just for this purpose, in which I summarized the most important items). I'm sorry for disturbing you with my unnecessary existence, I'm sorry that someone will have to bother with the whole ceremony of my burial (make it as cheap as possible, don't host these people in the village, most of whom insulted and ignored us when we didn't even have food), thanks for your attention, although I know that people like to interfere in someone's life only when everything is over, and it is really easier to take a candle to someone's grave than to prevent someone from reaching that grave (or at least to give the person a kind word, that's and more than enough). This is where my story officially ends, as well as my long-term study and testing of society as a whole. Apart from rare exceptions, the majority failed that test, after several stages of testing it was determined that there is no point in continuing with the test, because the results are even more devastating every time and throw into even greater despair. The results of the research are published in my works, I hope that in the future society will reach at least "enough - 2" (aka D in Western grade system), but somehow I have no hope for such a thing. I no longer have hope for anything positive, I study human civilization from the beginning to now, and even to the potential future, but malice has always won empathy, no matter how we were taught in fairy tales that good always wins in the end. Considering that I too have become an despicable human being, I too will have my wish come true, the only wish I have, and thus complete my cycle of life.
End of the complete story, I don't want to write this nonsense anymore
Suzana Ristić Suza
(written in June 2022, it will be published when the time is right, I will patiently wait for that day)
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