Devil's Town (2016)- full story

   

The story is not suitable for under 17 years due to disturbing, potentially shocking and depressing scenes, extreme autodestructive behavior, morbid thoughts, alcohol and pills use, psychological topics, milder curses, personal perspective. The whole story content is difficult and seemingly abstract, I suggest sensitive people and these who don't tolerate depressing stories to skip it. The story has nothing to do with religion. Don't try anything from the above.
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06.05.2016

 I don't even know when I came here; sometimes it seems to me that the fate itself has attributed this place to me. I refused to accept this city- for every normal being it is a nightmare and something to run from at all costs. Yet ... there is no escape from it. The Devil Town holds our souls trapped in its walls.

 During the day, it is a more or less a normal place, during the night it becomes a mass graveyard - every night few inhabitants go to eternal rest. However, the number of inhabitants is increasing regardless.

 My house is a few hundred meters away from the nearest houses, because I am a loner by nature. Dark blue with a black roof, a courtyard of medium size and blue roses in front of the house. There is elegant furniture in the interior, mostly in black, and the walls are painted with my murals. I am alone in it, I'm alone anywhere I go. So damn alone.

 I am afraid of new acquaintances - "normal" people wouldn't understand me because I seem too dark as I don't know to live with their light and can't join them, and people like me may be too sensitive and I'm afraid to hurt them; one wrong sentence can end somebody's life. In this city, there is a thin line between life and death.

 The night slowly falls over the Devil's town. I can't stay awake, the night is too creepy part of the day, when death comes for somebody. The soft rhythm of music makes me sleepy and takes me to the dream.

 Dream; I'm running scared in the place of my agony, looking for a way to get out of there. No rescue - it has already happened and can't change. Anxiety wakes me early in the morning.

 I am going out to the morning walk around the city. It's so diverse - on the one hand the intense color and creativity of great geniuses, on the other hand abandoned buildings in which many spend their last hours. There are buildings and houses like mine- creative but still dark. In a completely different part of the city is all unusual - the inhabitants of this part of the city see the everyday life with different eyes, so their suburb is completely inverted. To others they don't seem weird (after all, we are all weird here), but "normals" are even scared of them.In one part of the city is all extremely clean and accurate and these inhabitants live according to their obsessive rules. Near this place there is a place with various shops with food, diet pills, various exercise machines ... Its inhabitants often exercise, on average more often we others. On the other hand, some spend more time eating or avoiding food. I lived in that part for some time, although I am still a temporary guest. At the periphery there is a hospital, doctors are trying to save as much as possible people, but many refuse help or can't cure fast. They best help people who go on their own.

 In the vicinity of some buildings I saw a girl of lower growth, just like me, middle-length hair, dressed in jeans and sweatshirts. She called me and we went on a bench, where we talked and laughed about the jokes we exchanged. We had the feeling that we are no longer in the Devil's town, but in a completely different place ... Two girls approached us, and one of them said: "In this city, when the night falls, there are horrible things happening , and it would be better to hide in a safe place."

 Suddenly, the darkness fell. A moon appeared on the sky during the waxing moon phase and what was strange about it was that it had a reflection upward (ie, as in a mirror). Behind us was a mountain that seemed to have come out of the canvas of some creepy painting: it had a clearly visible trail which, together with the top of the mountain, was curved as if it had been painted. It made me scared and I was hurrying to go inside. The door; I opened  them slowly, noticing that the girls are no longer with me. Oh God! In the room were two corpses that hung from the beam! My instinct for death has become stronger ...

 I was hoping to find some noose in other room for myself but all I found was two more corpses, which obviously stood longer than the previous two. There was another room- it broke me. There was only one corpse , but it was the corpse of a girl I was talking with the previous day. Her corpse took a brown-blue shade and her head was hairless. In the same room there were two beds: one belonged to a hanged girl, the other to old woman who was sitting in that room. I tried to save the girl, however, she was already dead. The people in white came and took body off the rope, while I ran out with the words: "I can't hold it anymore," which one from the doctor understood as a potential suicide and went after me to give me a medicine. I refused to drink it and spilled it on the ground, claiming that I wouldn't do anything bad to myself.

 Dawn. The city returns to normal.

 I'm staying in my house, having a glass of alcohol and quickly drink while I watch numbly through the window. "Why wait," I thought, "when it's not important when I'll die?"

 I am quietly singing a song about my deepest emotions and I think about my, I can say friend. I'm just staring at nothing, ignoring the fact that all this is real and that it will continue to happen.

 The dream brings me to another, equally scary world. Embarrassed because of my weaknesses, I am hurrying to find any way to die in a dream, but morning prevented me from completing the dream in the right way. I went out, where the sun hasn't yet come out. I am so upset that  l'm scared of everything:of life, of the future, of the past. I run to the bridge that is far from the city, hoping that everything will end today and that I will finally leave the Devil's town ... My body is weak, but I know that I have to hurry before they see me and take me back. The sun goes out behind my back, illuminating my tired face. Short break, then I keep on moving forward. I'm free, and soon I'll be dead ... This is so calming for my thrilled brain ...

 They found me. I feel pathetic, I'm not capable even of it.

 Back to the beginning, again everything was the same - helplessness, pain and the desire to finish everything. My farewell poem will wait for a while.

 The next day I sat alone in the park.Very thin girl came to me and began the conversation: "You're here alone as well? " I: "Yes, it seems to me that's the easiest for others. Many of them think I'm deliberately living here, but I've got lost in this so much that I don't know where to go. How's it with you? " She: "Yes, I know that feeling ... My closest ones want to take me out of this city, but it's just too hard to go. They think it's easy to get out of here - just decide and go, but it doesn't go that way." Me: You either never go or decide on this step over time, and sometimes death interrupts everything. To "normals" is easy to stand on the border of the city and shout at us to get out, and this is not possible so easily. They are afraid of this city, yet we are forced to live in it." She:" That's right. "normals" generally misunderstands our needs, cries or words. I would love if they would understand us more." Me: "Me, too. Maybe they would be convinced that we are just living beings too. "

 Another disturbing dream came to me: I sat in the school bench, scared and surrounded by those I no longer want to see. In the meantime, I went out in front of the board and everyone was laughing at my behavior and my shyness, to which I furiously replied: " You don't know how it's like when you're thinking about death all the time and when nothing in your life gives you pleasure!" I was ignored. Suicidal instinct whispered to me to get out of there and find the bridge, which I did as soon as it was ringing. On the way up there I met a person from the real life with whom I was in highschool. She knew where I was going, she knew what I was planning to do, yet she went with me even though I wanted to be alone. Then, on the left side, a huge bridge appeared, and below it was a wild river. There was a little pond along the bridge to which person ran. I was afraid that she could do what I had planned, I turned and wanted to leave but the conscience returned me when I heard a jump into water. Luckily, she just got out of the water and I came to her. Then the dream ended and I was thinking again of how badly I have affected people around me and that I don't deserve to be with them. They are better off without me.

 In the morning, on our part where the inhabitants always have a changed mood and are prone to self-destructive behavior, three people went with Death to a new place. I didn't know them, but it was difficult for me because I know what they were going through. The reasons are individual, but pain is universal. It is true that sometimes people say, "You can't know how a person feels", but in this city, we know it more or less, and the reason is that everybody's connecting our mind as our greatest enemy. We are insecure or too self-confident, we are too euphoric or we don't have any energy in our body, we want everything or we don't want even to live, let alone something else. In the end, it's always difficult when one of us leaves. Very difficult.

I went to nature alone, carrying only a 2 meter rope, wanting to test myself. Night is slowly falling down and the day approached the end by counting its last hour. Because of my meter-and-wild strawberry height (Serbian sayings for short person) I couldn't get the rope on the branch, so I tried to climb up. Of course, I felt down because I didn't try to climb up the tree before in my life. The fall knocked me off and took me to sleep ...

 City. I look for the tallest building that has been fascinating me for years. Someone is following me, a few people are far enough behind me so I can escape. They won't catch me and prevent me- this is not their problem. I run into the hotel and I'm looking for a key from the reception, quickly filling in papers and paying the room, and then with the first elevator arriving at the highest floor. Those who were chasing me run fast to the last floor, where I already locked the door, opened the window and wrote my last words. At the moment when the door is open, I'm falling undone ... And that's where dream ended

.

 Morning is coming slowly. It's so quiet all around me ... The emotions are gone again. Everything is calm when emotions are far away. I am the emptiness and, at this moment, I don't exist. Actually, I don't think I exist at all. This world it's too complex to be real. Now, I don't need people, I never need them, I don't feel anything when I talk to them except fear. Indeed, I have no emotions towards them and I can't react to specific situations, for example, when someone gives me something, no matter how much I like the gift, or to be sad for a situation just because it is sad for others. It seems to me that they have a switch in themselves that they turn on and off when they need some emotion. That never worked with me- either I've got burst of wrong emotions at the wrong time or I'm like emotional zombie. The whole life I'm getting away from social activities and never crave them, yet sometimes I desperately want someone close to me. It's better to be a loner than a partybreaker.

 At home, I dress my doll in clothes that I would never dare to wear, then I'm making long dialogues with her and other dolls, which I think are real beings, part of my world. I can't imagine my life without them- they are like my family. They always understand me and don't doubt my words.

 Oh, I love this void in my brain as much as it sounds stupid- until there are some important events around me, I'll be fine. It's easier to walk in the empty hall than pushing up with a hundred different people in the full corridor. If there is no void to give me a break of chaotic thoughts that torment me for the rest of my time, my body would already have started its process of decomposition that awaits me one day anyway. However, there is a thin line between emptiness and abyss.

 Music begins to play. The aggressive riffs mixed with the voices of angels take me away into another universe, where the words of the songs are only words, but not my reality. While I sing them these words don't touch my mind, perhaps only sometimes, most often when my voice becomes gentle yet sharp enough to stab its poisonous arrow in my heart. Too bad  that it never kills me.

 Tenderness kills more than the coldness- when you are a person who hates herself, then you become accustomed to being surrounded by hatred and cold but, when someone shows you tenderness, you ask yourself "Why, the hell, is this person doing this? Why is he / she so good to me when I don't deserve it? It must be an angel." Simply when the heart is unaccustomed to grace and kindness, then such emotions are too confusing to accept them. I have been searching the whole life for someone who will fully understand me, but now I see that only an expert psychiatrist could fully understand me, if that's even possible.

 In the middle of the night, the dream comes back ... I walk on the beach alone while the clouds are in the sky, covering the sky to the grays. I am heading towards the sea and letting it drown me, as emotions are drowning me in real life.

-

 A rainy day is dawning. Among my old school notebooks I find various essays, from the essays about seasons and irrelevant events to writing about desires like the desire to leave the previous place of living or opening my unclear world in a composition of the one and half page. And then, in a pink notebook like the one in which I write this story, I found my essay that I wrote at the age of seventeen: "My thoughts and feelings these days." My heart was crushed, I knew it was one of the deepest things I ever wrote about myself without mentioning the word "suicide" and "death" or some of the mental disorders. A composition written a few days before the planned suicide attempt. Of course, nobody knew that, but at least I hadn't to read it before anyone - that would be too difficult. Even today when I read it I remember how it is when, instead of uncontrollable impulsive emotions, the whole mind turns into nothingness. Somehow I miss it, I hate these damn emotions that suddenly pop up from my head when they want it. I give you the essay in its entirety:

       "My thoughts and feelings these days"

 Every day, the same feeling. Same thoughts, the same expression of the face. Long ago suppressed thoughts slowly come out.
Some would say that it is a sadness. Some would say that it is calmness. This is more than sadness. Depressing thoughts, harder than stone and darker than darkness. For a long time my mind paints everything in black. The darkness; only as a small flame of the candle peeks a light. That flame shines, shines pale and frightened. Then it goes away. The darkness returns. I look like I don't think, as if harmony is in me. Inside, in my mind, there is a chaos. Thoughts fly from one side to the other , then ultimately remain in it or quietly disappear . Fear; from the past, from the present, from the future. From people and space. From life. Mixed with black thoughts creates even greater confusion. I am looking at the world with my eyes that keeps moving glance down . With them I see what  gives me even more fear. Gloominess; like I am the only person in the world. People around me are not friends, but only souls searching for their place in the universe. Heaviness; in the soul, in the heart, in the brain. Like a stone that pushes my thoughts. Hope; the hope that soon the end will come. The end of my depressing thoughts ... that will be replaced by eternal silence ...

 That's it. Short, but deep. For the second essay from the fourth year of highschool I was asked if I had suicidal thoughts. Of course I lied. I'm always lying to this question if it can lead to an unwanted outcome. It doesn't get hard to do so because I've long ago crossed the boundary between thoughts and attempts. I already had a further scenario in my head: if I say yes, I can end up going to a psychologist (to whom I was and I said that I began to calculate how much money my parents spent on me in order to give them money before my death :|), be asked questions, maybe forced to go to the treatment, who knows what else, but in any case it would be something that wouldn't suit me. This is how I go through all of this myself, without other people sticking their noses in my life. When this kills me, I know that I have tailored my own destiny. I don't want to fall into the hands of doctors of Devil's Town.

 In my room I left a rope that would take me close to death, but never far enough to see Death. This evening it embraced my neck again, barely noticeably cutting my skin. My whites became gray, face swelled, brain  pulsed and the tongue hurt from clenching. Lowering my head on the bed, I slowly sank to death. My hands slowly lost power and I was forced to release the rope. The desire for death remained, but at least the dream came to rest me.

 In the dream, again motive of the bridge, as several times before, in some unknown city I was looking for something and I found a big bridge, under which vehicles were passing on one side and the river passed on the other side. I thought how I was falling down and dying. Only death in a dream calms me down, all other dreams have some other secret meaning.

 In the morning I had a fixed idea of climbing the Creepy Mountain. I was fascinated by the thought that something might be interesting there and that I wouldn't be able to see it.

 Kilometer per kilometer, I arrived at the foot of the mountain where there was a forest, in which there were several signs "access denied", "forbidden to go further" "go back to the city." I recalled the fact that I have nothing to lose so I continued. In the distance I heard a shouts and how someone was mistreating somebody, that was heard for the next few hundred meters. In the distance I saw people with blood filled hands laughing aloud and then I realized where I arrived ... among people who are distant from us others because of their violence. I don't consider them to be bad people, although others see them on that way, but I'm afraid to be irritating for them and I'm not someone who likes to be in the quarrel, so I don't annoy them. I know that they deserved a recovery from their violent thoughts just as much as the rest of us do from our thoughts, with the other, "normal" humans consider them the greatest criminals in the world.

 Finally, the top of the mountain. Sky became gray, the rain drops fell to me, without letting me even find a shelter below a tree. I looked at the Devil's Town. All the buildings were gone and the city was in fact a huge cemetery without anyone on it . I thought it was hallucination, but I recalled and thought that part of us would find our peace right at the cemetery, when all the problems were behind us, in some other life. The city is still there, but it's actually a tomb from which it is possible to escape with a lot of effort. The evening is approaching, Death will come again.

 As I descended from the mountain, I thought- would it help me if those who brought me to this city were dead? Perhaps, if I would liquidate one by one, I would find my peace again? Will the destruction of the place from my agony help to forget the emotions of that time? At the foot of the mountain such thoughts have disappeared and I realized that everything would disappear if I kill only one person ...

 I fell asleep on the bank of the river, not far from the bridge. The night before the full moon-tomorrow night in the city will be the most deaths this month and no one will know to stop it. Just before dawn, I heard jumping into the water from the bridge. The death came and was very close to me, but she didn't want me, but someone else. The water threw out the body of a middle-aged man, already dead from a jump into the deep river. I approached to be sure he was dead and then looked around to see if anyone was nearby to take the body. Soon after the sun had gone the ambulance came for the corpse of a man.

 During the day, I was mildly stoned by the drugs and alcohol I took to forget the morning scene. I knew that Death would work more tonight than she normally does and that thought caused me to be scared. I couldn't just sit and wait - I had to at least try to save somebody.

 The radio station- perfect place for my plan. "Talk as no one can hear you and say what you think it could help." - I said to myself. I didn't have time to think about my communication problems, just breathed and started:

 "Dear fellow citizens, I know that many of you don't plan to wait for the morning. You think that you are alone, that nobody knows how you feel- you're wrong, believe me. Get out of the room and go outside- there is someone else who's about to do the same thing as you. Maybe you'll find a common language if you try, but if you stay in and continue doing what you're doing, you'll never get to know one of them. For those who are solitary like me, I want you to know that as long as you are alive you can do what you want as much as it seems foolish at this point. Well, I'm not saying that you can immediately become billionaires or whatever, but small steps lead to the goal. I will not tell you that you are selfish- I know how hard it is to you, after all  I live here too. Just, I don't want you to give up before you try. The death will not escape anywhere, it will always be there, you don't have to rush to find it. If you go to the therapy and staff is bad to you, remember that there is always someone else that is more professional and willing to help, it doesn't have to mean that everyone is bad. There is a cure, it takes time to work, even when one medicine is not good there is always another. You are the ones who have control over your life, although it doesn't seem like that. You decide will you give up or continue on. If you give up, I'm sorry that many people will get to know you only through the obituary and there will be no chance for something to change for the better. You will be missed even though we have never met you, we know that you are a good person who was broken by the life and didn't deserve such death. Suicide is not a solution, it is just an option. Don't forget that it is never the only option, life itself provides a bunch of options. I live in this city for years and I don't know if I will help at least to someone as I have the feeling that I just ruin someone else's life, but I would like that all of you who have planned to take away your life tonight come out and find at least one person who wants the same. Don't be afraid to talk to them, they knows how you feel and they may give you the strength that "normals" can't because of misunderstanding. Goodbye and I hope that your face will not appear in the obituary, but that life will finally make you smile because you deserve it- you don't have to sacrifice yourself. I wish you all the best."

 I moved away from the deck and looked out the window. Two to three people would go out in the beginning, and then about a dozen people would go outside. A shy smile appeared on my face, but, when I turned, I turned pale of fear- Death personally stood in front of me.

 Death: "You think you can save someone? You can't even save yourself." I: "Maybe, but I still haven't stopped fighting for my goal. It is not a sin to tell them to fight for their goal, not to tell them classical excuses 'Think of the family', 'It will be better', 'It's not all that black', 'You're healthy, someone got it worse' ... Simply, such things tell a person to ignore unbearable mental pain, or to simply forget it so the others would be happy - that's wrong. The suicide attempt is the time for a person to dedicate to himself, the last appeal for help. If you want to take someone, take me away and,in return, don't take anyone else. " Death: "It's not that easy. I know you're one of the sacrifice goats that seem to be uninterested, but you have to make more effort to get to me. I don't know why you're trying so hard to save somebody." Me: "Because it's not too late for some people. If there was someone who would help me when I came to this city as a child and before I began to think about the passing of life, everything would have been different for me. I ruined some lives and now I have the need to save those I can, because I know what it looks like when I think about you every day and how it's when I want to go with you and when life doesn't make sense from whichever side I look at it. I don't want more people to commit suicide. I want that mental disorders don't exist anymore. I want all children to have a happy childhood, not to be harassed, hurt, insulted, abandoned, or be laughed at ... or to close in their own world to escape from people, and that these same people are mocking them because they consider them weirdos or robots with no emotions. Even if that were my last wishes, I know that it wouldn't come true - you and Life complicate things too much. I hate both you and Life and all this damn cycle of life that has been going on for millions of years !"

 Death was gone, and I cried curled up on the floor, while the emptiness of my mind didn't put me to the sleep.

-

 With the first rays of the sun I went out of the station and walked around the city to see if the situation was at least a bit better than last night. It was mostly sunny, although it seemed to me that darkness was all around me and in me- simply everything was the same. I walked through the city all day, from a parts with scared faces, parts with loners that avoid people, to gloomy buildings and to the Creepy Mountain. I've done it all for one day, I even arrived at the store and bought a bunch of food that I couldn't eat. At the end of the day, I felt so empty that I could only go to my bed to rest. Along with a full moon, Death came.

 I: "You came for me? I see that the city is the same as yesterday, does that mean that you will take me instead of the victims last night?" Death:" Look behind you ... (turning to the pillar behind me and seeing three new obituaries) ... you didn't save them all. Maybe you even killed them. " I (terrified): "How could I kill them when I don't even know them?" Death: "You want to sacrifice for someone you don't know and then you claim that you have nothing to do with it? You are a very irresponsible person. I suspect that to go with me- you're not in a bad state enough to go, are you? " Me: "No ... take me ... just, I can't leave my world just like that ..." Death: "You mean, you're afraid someone will ruin your world? No one cares about your world. You make songs that no one will ever hear, you write stories that no one will ever read, practice voice that you will never be able to share with others because you will always be scared, even from your own reflection in the mirror! Nobody cares, remember that those who talked to you don't care neither. When I think about it better, I don't want you neither. Keep fooling yourself,the artist. (going away) " I (recall):" Don't go without me, BEING THE ARTIST IS A CURSE! ... "

 I runned to the bridge where I was two days ago. The river glittered under a full moon, giving me a wonderful view. I looked at the Moon around the middle of the bridge and said: "My guide, it's time to turn into what I have always been inside- corpse. I know that I am terrible Moon's child, I have no empathy, tenderness and purity that I should possess. Instead, I am an emotional zombie who has burst of emotions from time to time, I am hypersensitive and my mind is soiled with my and the blood of people that I'm constantly hurting. I don't know if I'm guilty or not, I only know that my innocent angel wings are black and black angels don't exist ... (I'm crossing to the other side of the bridge fence) ... and they are not allowed to interfere with other angels. People suffer because of me ... I am the culprit because if my selfishness. I'm sorry. "

 Once again I looked down in the glittering night-blue water, then opened my palms and, in a few minutes, I lost consciousness. I thought it was finally over, that all this unbearable pain would finally become grave with my name on the stone monument, but I I felt hands on my shoulders that were shaking me with all the strength. New day, a new defeat.

 I opened my eyes to see who this person is. The man, maybe several years older than me (unless he has a younger face for his age like me, it's hard to say). I'm in shock because of the whole situation. The man: "Are you okay? Did you try to kill yourself or something else happened? " I (coughing water out of my throat):" Yes, I'm fine! (I'm acting a naive girl) I was in the boat alone, I heard that it was good exercise for condition , and by accident I hit something, I think it's a stone, I really didn't see anything, the darkness fell ... Here. " Man: "It's a little illogical story." I (I laugh, acting again): "It is less embarrassing than saying that friends and I drank too much and that I fell asleep near the coast and they left. You would have thought something bad about me and you just saw me. Anyway, I have to go home now to change clothes and have an argue with my friends. I will not forget this, I could now be dead! Don't worry, I'll handle this. Thank you for saving me! " Man (confused): "Well then, do you want me to take you home? You were in a life-threatening situation. I am a medical technician, you don't have to worry if I'm a maniac or something like that." I: "I didn't even think that you are, but I'll still walk to calm down - this is a great shock to me. Goodbye. " Man: "Goodbye."

 As soon as I got a little away, my brain was yelling: "Damn it! How could this mess happen?! Yes, this is a shock - how is this possible, what the hell?! Why am I still alive,the hell with this damn Life, why he keeps me here? And how did this guy got here right now when I needed him the least? As if it wasn't enough to survive the fall from the bridge and drowning, but I had to make a story so they wouldn't take me to the clinic! Damn damnations, Death has persuaded me to do this. I won't listen to her anymore. From now on we play in my own way- I will control her, not the opposite. She will pay me for this. "

 In the part with scared people, I walked with my head down, creating a scenarios full of paranoia, totally forgetting where I am. I accidentally caught a person with my arm and turned to apologize ... Wait, I know him from somewhere ... After a few steps, he turn ... Yes, it's him ... but ... impossible ... hallucinations, these are hallucinations! I'm losing myself, I'm losing myself!!! He's dead, so this is hallucination ...

 I watched as the boy moved away from me. I couldn't even call him a boy, because I don't look older than him, but again ... He looked in my direction before he entered one of the buildings.

 Suddenly, I haven't only doubted the validity of my thoughts, but the whole universe. What if all this, our whole life and everything we ever knew is just an illusion?! Well, I have to calm down. The paranoia is suffocating me, I have to go home urgently.

 As soon as I arrived  I sat on the couch and started conversation with the chandelier (I don't know why, attracted my attention first): "Dear chandelier, today I had an insane day. First, I survived a fall in the river, second, some nurse saved me and third, as the culmination of madness, I've seen a Boy who's not really alive, but I saw him. Isn't that crazy? You're right, I'm crazy. We've set that up a long time ago. What would you have to add to that,chandelier? I can save him from death if he is still alive? You are the most genius chandelier I've ever talked to! Thank you for your advice. "

 After my conversation, I returned back where I met the boy. I somehow found his building, but I didn't know how to find him in a building of eight floors. There was a creepy night falling again. From here, everything looked even more frightening than from home. I was even afraid to find the Boy but the fear that he went again was bigger, so I found my courage and started. I closed my eyes and asked my heart where to go and then the numbers five and three were created in my head. Fifth floor, room number three! Not counting the time, I ran to the fifth floor to arrive before Death. I hope the intuition will not betray me.

 I knocked on the door and heard the boy's voice: "Go away, I have a thing to do." Me: "I came to save you." Boy: "From what?" I: "From yourself. Please, don't go ..." Boy (moment of silence): "Why do you think I am ... who are you at all?" Me :, Open the door, I know you've seen me before. " The boy (opens the door): "Why are you here?" I: "To tell you not to give up. You're afraid, I know you have the feeling that you lose control, but you have a chance to come back ... I will not let you .. (hug him) You can't go ... " Boy:" But ... how did you know ... "Me:" It doesn't matter. You're not  alone anymore. I am strange, but I can be your friend. It's easier to live in the Devil's Town when you have someone else with you. "

 And then, as always, uninvited Death is created in the vicinity. Death: "You can't escape so easily: tonight I'm taking my victim." Boy: "Who is this ?!" I: "Death personally. Go inside! (we enter and lock the door.) She came for the victim." Boy:" You see that it was meant to be like this. (he takes the gun from the table but I stop him) You can't stop it,she came for me ... " I (going to the window and open it, holding the gun in my hands for each case):" No. She wants a victim. She will get her victim (I'm climbing on the window, Death is coming in) Well, You said you wouldn't bring me with you, so I'll come to you. Boy ... beware and know that there are many people who love you. Please don't give up. "Boy:" No, stop! " Me: "Don't worry, I'm honored to do this for you."

 The shooting broke the night silence. My body touched the ground and the blood painted the ground around me. There is nothing more in my world- it is dead now.

 The morning is coming again. Instead  in a coffin surrounded by flowers, I find myself in house in which I live. The Devil town never looked as empty as now, there are so many people in it and yet I can't find a friend to whom I will trust. Maybe it is not up to the town as I will never be able to trust people or feel anything towards them, I'm afraid because it never ends well. Well, it seems I'm used to be lonely, but I still can't get used to the fact that I can't change the past. While it is in my mind, I will be here, which would be simpler said that I will be here while I'm alive. It seems that all the previous day was just a dream- Boy is no longer in this town. I felt the pain in my right forearm, without even remembering what could be. A bandage was under my sleeve- a memory of yesterday's day came back to me: after talking with Death I returned home, took the knife and cut myself deepest as I could, then I took too much alcohol and pills to remember anything later. This combination had put me in the coma and made me a nightmares. Of course, it didn't kill me again. Maybe another time.

 Although I've been sick from last night, I got out of the house and went to the border of the Devil's Town with the rest of the world. I looked at those people who were standing outside - they are so strange. How can they be so happy? How can they enjoy to do monotonous things every day? How can they communicate freely with others and build relationships? How can they ... be normal? They are the bigger enigma to me than any inhabitant of the Devil's town - we are all doing it because the mind makes us do it, but I will never understand why such intelligent beings as people limit themselves to insticts. Oh, if it was different, then the Devil's town wouldn't even exist, and we would live like everyone else. But it's better like this - they will stay happy and strong and we will decay in here in the hell of our mind. We are condemned to move away, to be condemned, that they never understand us completely. Many just turn their head, some make a pity glance, and individuals, mostly those  loudest, point their finger at us, laugh or say something cruel. Devil town doesn't lead anywhere- it serves as the main station, and those happier just go through it and return to "normals".

 I will continue to live here - I will continue to die in my imagination every day, I will be chased in my nightmares, secretly will want to save those who have been long gone. This is my home- long time ago I wanted to go, but I didn't know how. Now I have the feeling it's late - I couldn't live beyond the boundaries of this city, I don't know to live like people outside. This is my home. This is me. I am one of those "freaks" that don't fit into the perfect picture the world that some people have. I am a resident of the Devil's Town and I am not running because I will never be part of that perfect world that they want. I will be waiting for Death here in this haunted city ...

The end
05/23/2016 17:25
Suzana Ristic Suza
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Disscusion:

  "The Devil's town" is a reference to personality and mood disorders and mental illness. At first I mentioned that it has nothing to do with religion, I don't write about religion because I think it has always been an touchy topic-different nations have different religions and here in the Balkans we have a great example- Bosnia, Croatia and Serbia, which are next to each other and yet our main religions are different. Everybody has the right to believe in what they want (or not believe, atheists have a soul too), but it is our duty to respect anyone regardless of nationality, religion and orientation. I would love us to teach the youth such things, not hatred, it brings nothing to the corpses and destruction of what people have created for years. It is easy to destroy something, but difficult to build.

 Let's get back to the story ... this story is a set of my thoughts, dreams and some things that happened to me, maybe it's a little harder to follow, but I'm a difficult person. The idea came from the extremely unusual dream I've added as part of the story. It was a problem with a lack of motivation, but I managed to stay in the story and get to the end. The plan was that most of the stories see the light of the day after my death, that's why I was so open, I wrote as if nobody will read it while I'm alive, it's technically as if I wrote for myself, otherwise I'm not telling everyone about my thoughts-writing is my "vent".

 I use the term "normal" people more as some sarcasm than literally- to every person may happen to have some of the disorders during the life, I use this term out of revolt because some people are telling others that they are "crazy" without looking at themselves and their own behavior. For me they also say some stupid things even they barely know me. However, under this term, I also mean people who persistently preach that it is important that you are happy and to smile every day, that you should be optimistic and follow only positive features or that what they consider to be positive, although this is considered to be normal ( I'm not talking about some disorders as bipolar where we have a phase of euphoria). My theory is that it's not healthy neither, because then negative emotions that are naturally part of us get ignored and then there can be a mental breakdown. The positivity is fine, but it shouldn't be overdone, it is better to stick with realistic optimism and to follow the changes in the psyche - it happens and that people who are cured "cheer" themselves and it is ok, it just don't have to be preforsed (I did it at the time I wrote "Onyx" and I made a worse problem). Psychiatry books define "normality" as a unchange of human natural instincts and / or moral and social norms, but they also point out that there are possible deviations since every human is individual. Therefore, it is impossible to define the "normality" of a person; there are differences in the intensity of unusual behavior; for example, it is not uncommon for someone to wear long sleeves during the summer but it is unusual that, like me, has an obsessive thought that MUST have a certain number of layers of clothing to  feel calm. In a stronger intensity, it can also occur to interrupt or disable life, only the boundary between the personality of a person and the disorder is complicated (eg, shyness and social anxiety are at first glance similar, but shyness doesn't stop the person to live normally).

 In reality, such a city would have more than a billion inhabitants, precisely because of the reasons stated above. I have interests in psychology, but this is a wide area and, at the same time, very complex because the psyche is something like a spiritual part of human - the only thing that can't be accurately analyzed and yet is an important part of human (the nightmare of each forensic scientist).

 Each description in the story symbolically represents some of the disorders and day and night represent a stagnation of symptoms / improvement and deterioration. The dreams I have described I had during that period and often I have such intense dreams.

 "Boy" is a person who suddenly died and for whom I would like he continued living, even under the price that I was the one who then disappeared from the face of the Earth, if someone had to die that year. We didn't have too big connections with each other, but I still feel an emotional connection with the whole event because I could be in his place, especially since, as I said in the story, I came to that point and the first such thoughts came before that event so it was even harder. It seems that at that time I wasn't aware why it affected me so much, I cried for that person for three days, otherwise I rarely cry. I remember this fatal afternoon every spring, although I recall it from time to time,for no reason. The weirdest feeling was when our form teacher after that event told us that "it's never a solution" or something, and my mind was already obsessed with that idea; it was simply fascinating that the difference between my desk and her table was only half a meter, but the difference between in our thoughts and attitudes could be measured in miles.

 Here, I wouldn't exaggerate because this is not the end, the most morbid thing I've written is coming soon, during the spring (from 1-10 of morbidity this is 8, so there's worse), I think this was enough for one disscusion. ;)