Dying again (2015)- full story/ poem
Not suitable for younger than 14 years old, potentially disturbing parts, whole story contains depressing scenes
-------------------------------------
-------------------------------------
It was a Thursday.
The third day of rain,
Sky was crying, it was all grey,
Streets were empty, looked so gloomy
Only raindrops came to greet me.
I walked through the park
All alone, while rain continued
On and on, with my throughs
That became heavy as stone
But soon after they were gone.
Autumn leaves were on the ground
Felt in front of me quietly
But I was sure I heard some sound-
-someone was under the tree.
A girl with long dark hair
That felt to her shoulders
Sat under the tree in wet clothes.
Probably doesn't have someone who cares.
In her arms was guitar
She played some sad melody
Cried, or at least it seems she did,
Maybe that were raindrops from the tree.
Her clothes was black, shoes were too
She stood up and I saw her eyes are red.
She did cry. Now I knew.
I wish I knew why is she sad.
Wanted to ask what is wrong
But she doesn't know me- I'm not her friend.
"This is for you"- she said to me
And took guitar from the land.
"But, why are you doing it when you don't know me?"
I asked and she started again
"I will never play it again."
What just happened? I can't understand.
She walked and I followed her
Had bad feeling in my heart,
I saw she looks completely broken
Her breathing became hard.
I stopped for a moment to rest my legs,
But she continued to walk to the bridge alone.
Thought everything will be fine
But when she stopped I knew I was wrong.
She crossed the fence and planned to jump.
I run to her and begged her to stop.
She looked at me and said: "It's okay.
I would do this once anyway."
I asked her- "Why? Tell me what is wrong."
She said:v,,This day was planned long ago."
I shouted: "No, it's not late for a change!"
She said: "In this cold world everything is strange."
Can't let her go even she says to do it.
I can't just walk along and let her die.
She told me: "You'll realize one day,
But now I have to say goodbye."
She disappeared in water.
Something in me broke to pieces.
I felt worse then ever before
So sad and powerless.
Looked guitar she gave to me
Blue guitar that she played.
Wind started to blow so strong,
So I tied my hair into a braid.
Walked to the home with guitar in hand
Scared to tell what I saw today.
That evening, I took guitar and played
Even never before I had played it.
It was like a spell ,felt so creepy,
Sad melody made me feel sleepy,
I slept on my living room's floor
While mystic light came through the door...
Woke up in my bed with headache
I felt more sad than ever in my life.
Got out from house to cheer myself
But all I through was "I want to die."
"I must forget what I saw"-
Said to myself and tried to relax.
Turned on music, some disco song,
Closed my eyes and started to dance.
Suddenly music changed,
Even I didn't change it.
It was a song I heard yesterday.
My heart stopped its beat.
Melody she played yesterday before her death
Came like a ghost to kill me.
Maybe I should call the police?
Oh,come on,no one would believe me.
But yes,I have to!
I must say what I saw!
Didn't wait for too long,
I knew I really have to go.
Police asked me how she looked like,
What she wore and where she had been.
After several days they told me
That girl was never seen.
What the hell?! Was she a ghost?
I started to have a panic attack.
Again hearing damned melody.
I'm dying like there is a rope around my neck.
Tomorrow I've gone to the park again
This time it was a sunny autumn day
Felt so anxious I couldn't handle it
Sat on the bench and started to pray.
Calmed down, took a deep breath,
Continued walking until I felt
One more heaviness in my lungs
That tied me like the narrowest belt.
Started to cry- just like that
But no one else was in a park.
Sun suddenly disappeared,
Sky became completely dark.
Under the tree I saw her again,
She cried same as before
Wind started to blow
And called the dark storm.
She said to me: "You'll understand.
You'll feel the same as I do.
Even you try to get out
No one will save you."
Everything went blank.
I woke up in a hospital.
Realized I'm all alone,
No one to talk with, nobody to call.
Returned back home. Guitar on the couch.
Decided to put it away from me,
But I started to play it and it was
The same damned melody.
The more I played, more depressed I was,
But couldn't stop, I was under the spell,
Stopped playing in the morning,
Didn't fell very well.
My life wasn't the same;
Everywhere I gone I saw death.
Hated people, hated myself,
Even I had no reason to be mad.
Couldn't give up- but craving to die
To stop this sorrow and madness.
Becoming zombie, feeling numb,
Lost my whole happiness.
Spent my days in a home lonely,
Locked the door and haven't ate
Didn't seek help because
I thought it's too late.
Took the rope I bought
And tied it to the tree,
But before I died on it
The ghost came to me.
She said "You'll feel more pain,
Not a time to die."
I was in my room again.
Damn, I hate my life!
Next day I took the pills and wine
Hoped this time I will die.
She, again, was there and said
"You'll go nowhere, my friend."
The third day I took the gun
I was sure my life will be lost,
But both bullets missed my head
-I tried to shoot ghost.
The fourth day I took a knife,
Made my blood to get out from vein.
Again, she came to me.
Why she keeps playing with my brain?
The fifth day I got out from house
Found a really tall building,
Wanted to jump off, but the ghost was there,
To my house returned me.
The sixth day I went to the bridge,
The same bridge where she died.
I guess she won't stop me this time
This is only one more place I could find.
I crossed the fence like she did
Looked the water and then closed my eyes.
Throught- How did it get to this?
Life is full of surprise.
Saw her again- she was in water
Pale and covered with lilies,
Whispered: "Now you understand me,
You have the same feelings."
My hands weren't on fence anymore
My body was drowning to death,
Lost all emotions I felt,
Lost all memories I had.
Light calls me to join them
And I had no other choice,
Walked step by step
And followed this noise.
After that light was the strange place
Looked so real but like it was in past.
I looked around to see what is happening
Everything seemed to move too fast.
Walked to nowhere, where my legs took me,
Realized I know place I was
Like I lived here once in my life
-and then little leaf felt on my nose.
It was from the tree near me,
Nor too tall, with leaves that felt down,
I sat under it and looked around
I was in some strange town.
No one even looked at me,
I felt so damn alone.
Suddenly rain started.
All people were gone.
I had flashback of memories;
Little girl alone in the forest,
Tired of running, sat under the tree
To take back strength and take a rest.
She found a village where I am now,
All alone in this world
How years gone she became depressed
Her heart became cold.
She tied a rope on the tree
And then tied it on herself,
Rope broke and she felt down
Sad and lonely she was left.
Next day she found the poison
But the poison made her sick.
When they found her with slitted wrists next day
People started to call her a freak.
She survived, but people were laughing
Couldn't stand them - they acted so bad.
Like her bad luck wasn't enough.
She wished someone who'll understand.
I felt her pain inside my soul
Stood up and gone where my heart took me.
It was still rainy, but I've gone
To the river near the tree.
Drops of rain touched the water
But I saw my face clearly:
I was the girl I saw in the park!
I was scared completely.
Saw the old bridge above the river
Felt I had to do it.
That feeling was in my whole body
From my head to my feet.
Climbed on a bridge. No one around.
Better for me, no one to stop me.
Melody got out from my lips
I sung it with fear, quietly.
Then it got louder, it took my heart
All I wanted is to keep singing
To forget pain I felt inside
To forget my life, to forget everything.
With my singing trees became green again
River became crystal blue
Rain stopped, sky became bright
What I done, I had no clue.
That song made of pain is magic I have
It made other people get out to hear this
I still stood on the same place,
All people were on the streets.
I sat down on the bridge's wall
Started to cry and looked down
No matter what just happened
I can't stay in this town.
Again touched the water
Died one more time
But water pressed my lungs
Like I jumped into a lime.
Woke up on the riverside.
The river took my body a miles away
Stood up and asked one person what day it is,
He said to me it was a Thursday.
Realized I am in the present
Again got my old face,
Completely confused about everything
I was in coma four days.
Throught I dreamed all before
But then I saw wound on my wrist
Had no strength to walk to home
The ghost came to me in me in mist.
She took me home and said to me
"I am you from the past life"
I asked her: "Was the only way
To realize that is to make me die?"
She answered: "I know you feel the same
I just wanted you to know why."
Then she disappeared just like that
She have gone without goodbye.
I spent days in my room.
Still had no will to keep going,
Didn't want to exist.
My heart was full of nothing.
I made more cuts on my arm
Throught I'll die if I try
Only that I did was making more scars
"Oh, nevermind. Maybe next time."
When I finally got out from house
I took blue guitar with me,
Gone to the park to wait a ghost
And sat under the same tree.
She wasn't there, but I stayed
Played guitar and sung alone
Had no one to share song with
Neither friend nor foe.
I sung quietly: "I'm there
In my cage like a bird
Calling for help, someone to unlock me
But seems I never had been heard.
Swimming in water, my own tomb,
Screaming under, nobody saves me
Drowning in my past I can't change
Where am I? Please, show me.
Don't let this ropes to hug me,
Don't let this blades to cut me,
Don't let this poison to get me,
Don't let this shots to hit me!
Don't let this tears to show,
Don't let this life to go,
Don't let my soul go down,
Let my soul to sing loud!
Don't let this ropes to hug me,
Don't let this blades to cut me,
Don't let this poison to get me,
Don't let this shots to hit me!
I'll be on the same place
If you return back
On river's bottom sleeping
Forever like a wreck."
People around me sat on grass
Listened my song till the end
They clapped me all by one
So my singing continued.
I sang about my the deepest feelings
But they didn't notice that.
I was curious - where is the ghost?
It's been a week and so how we met.
During the whole autumn I played in the park
Played for the others, but to my soul
After it winter came
And snow started to fall.
Winter brought holidays
My depression got worse,
It pushed me to isolation again
Like a some strong dark force.
People outside laughed and sung
Christmas carols on every corner
In my own Christmas play
I was the only performer.
Looked in the mirror to see what left of me
It was a sad pale face
My hands were shaking, probably because
I didn't eat several days.
Went to the kitchen to take some food
Instead of it I took wine
Sat on the floor, is it matter
When no one cares am I fine.
Drank and cried on the floor
Couldn't believe what's happening
Tears dried from my eyes
Only thing I could do is to sing...
Throught to take my life again
Anyway, I have no way out,
Tried to forget reality
With this song from my mouth.
Snow was falling whole time
All the streets were white
Outside people celebrated holidays
Houses were decorated with Christmas's lights.
Last year I celebrated too
Alone, but happy, enjoyed on holidays.
Now, I'm sitting on the floor and drinking
And can't even look my own face.
"What stops me to go?"
I asked myself again.
"Why don't I finish this agony.
There is nothing else I can..."
Found myself forgetting things
Having fear of every sound
Every time, when got out from house
Had panic attack when someone's around.
Even when the phone rung
I was afraid to talk
Shivered every time when
On my front door someone would knock.
Played with an empty gun
I wish I had one bullet
Everything would be better
After one game of rullet.
Didn't have a rope anymore
One noose to make me dead
Gave up from slitting my wrist
All those failures drove me mad.
Why my past me destroyed my life?
I was fine until she wasn't there.
I was maybe just a little sad,
But now I am broken and she doesn't care.
I don't care for her, she had her own chance
She should get lost and let me live
What she wanted from me to do?
To give up everything and again to leave?
What a selfish bastard I was
Now I hate myself even more
I'll show her who I am
If she ever again enter through this door.
Oh,what am I thinking?
Took too much of alcohol.
She is just a ghost,
She has no soul!
I can't hurt her,
She is not real.
I am supposed to suffer
And pay her bill.
Totally lost my mind.
I am crazy, oh damn,
Started to laugh to myself
Because of how stupid I am.
Sleept there where I was
Pain in my body was so strong
My head wanted to explode
Taste of alcohol was on my tongue.
At least I slept whole day
One day less of agony,
Wish I could run away from my body
On other place if I could be.
January passed in front of my eyes
Couldn't believe it's already over.
Seems that time really flies
When you're more drunk than sober.
February was cold, but dry,
At least I could leave my house at noon,
Walked through the streets, planned my death,
I had feeling we'll meet soon.
After Valentine's day it was warmer,
Plants started peering from the ground,
Water was cold but free from ice.
My plan was profound.
One week left to March;
Heard people on the street talk to me
That I should eat more and
That my face looks scary.
Not important - I'll be dead anyway,
Deep in the ground my body will hide.
Soon I 'll hide my scary face.
Oh,this is gonna be a long ride.
Six days left to March;
Wrote a note I planned to leave.
Threw it after I wrote it.
Realized that I don't have anyone near.
Five days left to March;
Throught what I've done in my whole life.
My list was almost empty.
Wow,one more reason to die.
Four days left to March;
Played guitar in a park under the tree.
I've done the same thing and next two days
The last day of February a ghost came to me.
She apologized for everything she have done,
For making me depressed, for being my trigger,
Said to me dying wouldn't help
It would only make a problem bigger.
I laughed at her useless words:
"Isn't it too late to tell me what to do?!"
You can't save me this time,darling.
This time... I won't listen to you."
She warned me my soul will be lost,
I smiled and said "Let it be".
Whole night she stayed in my house
Telling me to change my mind, trying to convince me.
When she realized I was decisive
She said to herself "Why have I done this?!
I just wanted someone who understands me,
Now my soul will never find a peace!"
I told her "Could you release me from this?"
She looked to the floor and said "No."
I continued: "Well,if you can't,then leave,
The only thing you could do is to go."
She gone with a scream
To the unknown way
I had to go to sleep
Before my last day...
Morning woke me up.
Rain felt on the lonely streets.
Only cars were on road
And some older kids.
Left my house without umbrella
Let my hair to be touched by rain.
I lost my mind completely
But I can't stand anymore all this pain.
Old place. Good, old bridge.
This time there was no ghost.
For less then one hour
Our souls will be forever lost.
Surprised she didn't come again;
She might give up since yesterday.
Here or not, she has no power
To make me change my mind and stay.
Before I crossed the fence I
Throught to myself "No,wait!"
Returned several steps.
"What if this is not my fate?"
The other side of my mind screamed:
"What the hell are you doing?!"
I took one step forward.
"You just can't do anything."
"Don't do this"- said the first side-
"Let's go home and drink some tea."
"No!"- shouted the other side -
"You must listen to me, me, me!"
I stepped one more time,
In my head other side won.
Crossed this fence for the second time.
Time for me to get forlorn.
Rain started to fall stronger
Thought one last time about this and
Realized I am scared
Mind told me "It's not late to turn back
Come on, let's get back there."
Decided to listen to my mind
To turn back to the other side of fence,
But I slipped and felt in the cold water...
I just waisted my last chance...
They found me on the riverside.
This time I was dead.
I was found in the morning
With my eyes closed and lily on my head.
Some people that were in the park
When I played, came to the funeral to say goodbye
On my funeral day rain stopped
Left blue crystal sky.
Tree in the park was full of flowers
It was no more place for sorrow and pain
Now it's place of joy and singing
Memories of me vanished like a stain.
Ghost finally found the peace
She didn't return, so didn't I,
I'm learning from her mistake
- I'll be careful in the next life...
Now it's done what is done
I can't anymore come alive
But I will not destroy the other person
I will try everything not to make her cry.
If I didn't change my mind in the end
My soul wouldn't exist
I would be forlorn
In the thick mist.
However, I know how broken I was,
I know what I felt inside,
I was killed by my emotions
Not by the river's tide...
I asked a ghost what happened that day
When she was in the forest, lost and lonely
She answered that she run after her village burned
She survived because she went to the hill.
After fire stopped she turned to the village
Saw a corbses of people she knew
Couldn't stay in the village alone
Running away is what she decided to do.
In the other village she worked for food
People looked at her like she's the third class,
Laughed at her for everything she've done
Her head became such a mess.
Young tree was her safe place
She came there to relax and sing
After some time even that haven't helped
- She couldn't have done anything.
She decided to take her life
Because she lost all hope,
But she failed three times
With knife, poison and rope.
On the day she drowned
It was rainy autumn day
Her last words was a song
- What else she could say?
I always was a different kid
Other children called me weird
Seems I had curse from the past
And I failed on this test.
I was supposed to find a way
To break this hell, this curse
Instead of letting myself down
I should've talked with someone first.
Waiting new chance to come,
Waiting new reincarnation,
To break a curse and be happy,
To find her salvation...
The third day of rain,
Sky was crying, it was all grey,
Streets were empty, looked so gloomy
Only raindrops came to greet me.
I walked through the park
All alone, while rain continued
On and on, with my throughs
That became heavy as stone
But soon after they were gone.
Autumn leaves were on the ground
Felt in front of me quietly
But I was sure I heard some sound-
-someone was under the tree.
A girl with long dark hair
That felt to her shoulders
Sat under the tree in wet clothes.
Probably doesn't have someone who cares.
In her arms was guitar
She played some sad melody
Cried, or at least it seems she did,
Maybe that were raindrops from the tree.
Her clothes was black, shoes were too
She stood up and I saw her eyes are red.
She did cry. Now I knew.
I wish I knew why is she sad.
Wanted to ask what is wrong
But she doesn't know me- I'm not her friend.
"This is for you"- she said to me
And took guitar from the land.
"But, why are you doing it when you don't know me?"
I asked and she started again
"I will never play it again."
What just happened? I can't understand.
She walked and I followed her
Had bad feeling in my heart,
I saw she looks completely broken
Her breathing became hard.
I stopped for a moment to rest my legs,
But she continued to walk to the bridge alone.
Thought everything will be fine
But when she stopped I knew I was wrong.
She crossed the fence and planned to jump.
I run to her and begged her to stop.
She looked at me and said: "It's okay.
I would do this once anyway."
I asked her- "Why? Tell me what is wrong."
She said:v,,This day was planned long ago."
I shouted: "No, it's not late for a change!"
She said: "In this cold world everything is strange."
Can't let her go even she says to do it.
I can't just walk along and let her die.
She told me: "You'll realize one day,
But now I have to say goodbye."
She disappeared in water.
Something in me broke to pieces.
I felt worse then ever before
So sad and powerless.
Looked guitar she gave to me
Blue guitar that she played.
Wind started to blow so strong,
So I tied my hair into a braid.
Walked to the home with guitar in hand
Scared to tell what I saw today.
That evening, I took guitar and played
Even never before I had played it.
It was like a spell ,felt so creepy,
Sad melody made me feel sleepy,
I slept on my living room's floor
While mystic light came through the door...
Woke up in my bed with headache
I felt more sad than ever in my life.
Got out from house to cheer myself
But all I through was "I want to die."
"I must forget what I saw"-
Said to myself and tried to relax.
Turned on music, some disco song,
Closed my eyes and started to dance.
Suddenly music changed,
Even I didn't change it.
It was a song I heard yesterday.
My heart stopped its beat.
Melody she played yesterday before her death
Came like a ghost to kill me.
Maybe I should call the police?
Oh,come on,no one would believe me.
But yes,I have to!
I must say what I saw!
Didn't wait for too long,
I knew I really have to go.
Police asked me how she looked like,
What she wore and where she had been.
After several days they told me
That girl was never seen.
What the hell?! Was she a ghost?
I started to have a panic attack.
Again hearing damned melody.
I'm dying like there is a rope around my neck.
Tomorrow I've gone to the park again
This time it was a sunny autumn day
Felt so anxious I couldn't handle it
Sat on the bench and started to pray.
Calmed down, took a deep breath,
Continued walking until I felt
One more heaviness in my lungs
That tied me like the narrowest belt.
Started to cry- just like that
But no one else was in a park.
Sun suddenly disappeared,
Sky became completely dark.
Under the tree I saw her again,
She cried same as before
Wind started to blow
And called the dark storm.
She said to me: "You'll understand.
You'll feel the same as I do.
Even you try to get out
No one will save you."
Everything went blank.
I woke up in a hospital.
Realized I'm all alone,
No one to talk with, nobody to call.
Returned back home. Guitar on the couch.
Decided to put it away from me,
But I started to play it and it was
The same damned melody.
The more I played, more depressed I was,
But couldn't stop, I was under the spell,
Stopped playing in the morning,
Didn't fell very well.
My life wasn't the same;
Everywhere I gone I saw death.
Hated people, hated myself,
Even I had no reason to be mad.
Couldn't give up- but craving to die
To stop this sorrow and madness.
Becoming zombie, feeling numb,
Lost my whole happiness.
Spent my days in a home lonely,
Locked the door and haven't ate
Didn't seek help because
I thought it's too late.
Took the rope I bought
And tied it to the tree,
But before I died on it
The ghost came to me.
She said "You'll feel more pain,
Not a time to die."
I was in my room again.
Damn, I hate my life!
Next day I took the pills and wine
Hoped this time I will die.
She, again, was there and said
"You'll go nowhere, my friend."
The third day I took the gun
I was sure my life will be lost,
But both bullets missed my head
-I tried to shoot ghost.
The fourth day I took a knife,
Made my blood to get out from vein.
Again, she came to me.
Why she keeps playing with my brain?
The fifth day I got out from house
Found a really tall building,
Wanted to jump off, but the ghost was there,
To my house returned me.
The sixth day I went to the bridge,
The same bridge where she died.
I guess she won't stop me this time
This is only one more place I could find.
I crossed the fence like she did
Looked the water and then closed my eyes.
Throught- How did it get to this?
Life is full of surprise.
Saw her again- she was in water
Pale and covered with lilies,
Whispered: "Now you understand me,
You have the same feelings."
My hands weren't on fence anymore
My body was drowning to death,
Lost all emotions I felt,
Lost all memories I had.
Light calls me to join them
And I had no other choice,
Walked step by step
And followed this noise.
After that light was the strange place
Looked so real but like it was in past.
I looked around to see what is happening
Everything seemed to move too fast.
Walked to nowhere, where my legs took me,
Realized I know place I was
Like I lived here once in my life
-and then little leaf felt on my nose.
It was from the tree near me,
Nor too tall, with leaves that felt down,
I sat under it and looked around
I was in some strange town.
No one even looked at me,
I felt so damn alone.
Suddenly rain started.
All people were gone.
I had flashback of memories;
Little girl alone in the forest,
Tired of running, sat under the tree
To take back strength and take a rest.
She found a village where I am now,
All alone in this world
How years gone she became depressed
Her heart became cold.
She tied a rope on the tree
And then tied it on herself,
Rope broke and she felt down
Sad and lonely she was left.
Next day she found the poison
But the poison made her sick.
When they found her with slitted wrists next day
People started to call her a freak.
She survived, but people were laughing
Couldn't stand them - they acted so bad.
Like her bad luck wasn't enough.
She wished someone who'll understand.
I felt her pain inside my soul
Stood up and gone where my heart took me.
It was still rainy, but I've gone
To the river near the tree.
Drops of rain touched the water
But I saw my face clearly:
I was the girl I saw in the park!
I was scared completely.
Saw the old bridge above the river
Felt I had to do it.
That feeling was in my whole body
From my head to my feet.
Climbed on a bridge. No one around.
Better for me, no one to stop me.
Melody got out from my lips
I sung it with fear, quietly.
Then it got louder, it took my heart
All I wanted is to keep singing
To forget pain I felt inside
To forget my life, to forget everything.
With my singing trees became green again
River became crystal blue
Rain stopped, sky became bright
What I done, I had no clue.
That song made of pain is magic I have
It made other people get out to hear this
I still stood on the same place,
All people were on the streets.
I sat down on the bridge's wall
Started to cry and looked down
No matter what just happened
I can't stay in this town.
Again touched the water
Died one more time
But water pressed my lungs
Like I jumped into a lime.
Woke up on the riverside.
The river took my body a miles away
Stood up and asked one person what day it is,
He said to me it was a Thursday.
Realized I am in the present
Again got my old face,
Completely confused about everything
I was in coma four days.
Throught I dreamed all before
But then I saw wound on my wrist
Had no strength to walk to home
The ghost came to me in me in mist.
She took me home and said to me
"I am you from the past life"
I asked her: "Was the only way
To realize that is to make me die?"
She answered: "I know you feel the same
I just wanted you to know why."
Then she disappeared just like that
She have gone without goodbye.
I spent days in my room.
Still had no will to keep going,
Didn't want to exist.
My heart was full of nothing.
I made more cuts on my arm
Throught I'll die if I try
Only that I did was making more scars
"Oh, nevermind. Maybe next time."
When I finally got out from house
I took blue guitar with me,
Gone to the park to wait a ghost
And sat under the same tree.
She wasn't there, but I stayed
Played guitar and sung alone
Had no one to share song with
Neither friend nor foe.
I sung quietly: "I'm there
In my cage like a bird
Calling for help, someone to unlock me
But seems I never had been heard.
Swimming in water, my own tomb,
Screaming under, nobody saves me
Drowning in my past I can't change
Where am I? Please, show me.
Don't let this ropes to hug me,
Don't let this blades to cut me,
Don't let this poison to get me,
Don't let this shots to hit me!
Don't let this tears to show,
Don't let this life to go,
Don't let my soul go down,
Let my soul to sing loud!
Don't let this ropes to hug me,
Don't let this blades to cut me,
Don't let this poison to get me,
Don't let this shots to hit me!
I'll be on the same place
If you return back
On river's bottom sleeping
Forever like a wreck."
People around me sat on grass
Listened my song till the end
They clapped me all by one
So my singing continued.
I sang about my the deepest feelings
But they didn't notice that.
I was curious - where is the ghost?
It's been a week and so how we met.
During the whole autumn I played in the park
Played for the others, but to my soul
After it winter came
And snow started to fall.
Winter brought holidays
My depression got worse,
It pushed me to isolation again
Like a some strong dark force.
People outside laughed and sung
Christmas carols on every corner
In my own Christmas play
I was the only performer.
Looked in the mirror to see what left of me
It was a sad pale face
My hands were shaking, probably because
I didn't eat several days.
Went to the kitchen to take some food
Instead of it I took wine
Sat on the floor, is it matter
When no one cares am I fine.
Drank and cried on the floor
Couldn't believe what's happening
Tears dried from my eyes
Only thing I could do is to sing...
Throught to take my life again
Anyway, I have no way out,
Tried to forget reality
With this song from my mouth.
Snow was falling whole time
All the streets were white
Outside people celebrated holidays
Houses were decorated with Christmas's lights.
Last year I celebrated too
Alone, but happy, enjoyed on holidays.
Now, I'm sitting on the floor and drinking
And can't even look my own face.
"What stops me to go?"
I asked myself again.
"Why don't I finish this agony.
There is nothing else I can..."
Found myself forgetting things
Having fear of every sound
Every time, when got out from house
Had panic attack when someone's around.
Even when the phone rung
I was afraid to talk
Shivered every time when
On my front door someone would knock.
Played with an empty gun
I wish I had one bullet
Everything would be better
After one game of rullet.
Didn't have a rope anymore
One noose to make me dead
Gave up from slitting my wrist
All those failures drove me mad.
Why my past me destroyed my life?
I was fine until she wasn't there.
I was maybe just a little sad,
But now I am broken and she doesn't care.
I don't care for her, she had her own chance
She should get lost and let me live
What she wanted from me to do?
To give up everything and again to leave?
What a selfish bastard I was
Now I hate myself even more
I'll show her who I am
If she ever again enter through this door.
Oh,what am I thinking?
Took too much of alcohol.
She is just a ghost,
She has no soul!
I can't hurt her,
She is not real.
I am supposed to suffer
And pay her bill.
Totally lost my mind.
I am crazy, oh damn,
Started to laugh to myself
Because of how stupid I am.
Sleept there where I was
Pain in my body was so strong
My head wanted to explode
Taste of alcohol was on my tongue.
At least I slept whole day
One day less of agony,
Wish I could run away from my body
On other place if I could be.
January passed in front of my eyes
Couldn't believe it's already over.
Seems that time really flies
When you're more drunk than sober.
February was cold, but dry,
At least I could leave my house at noon,
Walked through the streets, planned my death,
I had feeling we'll meet soon.
After Valentine's day it was warmer,
Plants started peering from the ground,
Water was cold but free from ice.
My plan was profound.
One week left to March;
Heard people on the street talk to me
That I should eat more and
That my face looks scary.
Not important - I'll be dead anyway,
Deep in the ground my body will hide.
Soon I 'll hide my scary face.
Oh,this is gonna be a long ride.
Six days left to March;
Wrote a note I planned to leave.
Threw it after I wrote it.
Realized that I don't have anyone near.
Five days left to March;
Throught what I've done in my whole life.
My list was almost empty.
Wow,one more reason to die.
Four days left to March;
Played guitar in a park under the tree.
I've done the same thing and next two days
The last day of February a ghost came to me.
She apologized for everything she have done,
For making me depressed, for being my trigger,
Said to me dying wouldn't help
It would only make a problem bigger.
I laughed at her useless words:
"Isn't it too late to tell me what to do?!"
You can't save me this time,darling.
This time... I won't listen to you."
She warned me my soul will be lost,
I smiled and said "Let it be".
Whole night she stayed in my house
Telling me to change my mind, trying to convince me.
When she realized I was decisive
She said to herself "Why have I done this?!
I just wanted someone who understands me,
Now my soul will never find a peace!"
I told her "Could you release me from this?"
She looked to the floor and said "No."
I continued: "Well,if you can't,then leave,
The only thing you could do is to go."
She gone with a scream
To the unknown way
I had to go to sleep
Before my last day...
Morning woke me up.
Rain felt on the lonely streets.
Only cars were on road
And some older kids.
Left my house without umbrella
Let my hair to be touched by rain.
I lost my mind completely
But I can't stand anymore all this pain.
Old place. Good, old bridge.
This time there was no ghost.
For less then one hour
Our souls will be forever lost.
Surprised she didn't come again;
She might give up since yesterday.
Here or not, she has no power
To make me change my mind and stay.
Before I crossed the fence I
Throught to myself "No,wait!"
Returned several steps.
"What if this is not my fate?"
The other side of my mind screamed:
"What the hell are you doing?!"
I took one step forward.
"You just can't do anything."
"Don't do this"- said the first side-
"Let's go home and drink some tea."
"No!"- shouted the other side -
"You must listen to me, me, me!"
I stepped one more time,
In my head other side won.
Crossed this fence for the second time.
Time for me to get forlorn.
Rain started to fall stronger
Thought one last time about this and
Realized I am scared
Mind told me "It's not late to turn back
Come on, let's get back there."
Decided to listen to my mind
To turn back to the other side of fence,
But I slipped and felt in the cold water...
I just waisted my last chance...
They found me on the riverside.
This time I was dead.
I was found in the morning
With my eyes closed and lily on my head.
Some people that were in the park
When I played, came to the funeral to say goodbye
On my funeral day rain stopped
Left blue crystal sky.
Tree in the park was full of flowers
It was no more place for sorrow and pain
Now it's place of joy and singing
Memories of me vanished like a stain.
Ghost finally found the peace
She didn't return, so didn't I,
I'm learning from her mistake
- I'll be careful in the next life...
Now it's done what is done
I can't anymore come alive
But I will not destroy the other person
I will try everything not to make her cry.
If I didn't change my mind in the end
My soul wouldn't exist
I would be forlorn
In the thick mist.
However, I know how broken I was,
I know what I felt inside,
I was killed by my emotions
Not by the river's tide...
I asked a ghost what happened that day
When she was in the forest, lost and lonely
She answered that she run after her village burned
She survived because she went to the hill.
After fire stopped she turned to the village
Saw a corbses of people she knew
Couldn't stay in the village alone
Running away is what she decided to do.
In the other village she worked for food
People looked at her like she's the third class,
Laughed at her for everything she've done
Her head became such a mess.
Young tree was her safe place
She came there to relax and sing
After some time even that haven't helped
- She couldn't have done anything.
She decided to take her life
Because she lost all hope,
But she failed three times
With knife, poison and rope.
On the day she drowned
It was rainy autumn day
Her last words was a song
- What else she could say?
I always was a different kid
Other children called me weird
Seems I had curse from the past
And I failed on this test.
I was supposed to find a way
To break this hell, this curse
Instead of letting myself down
I should've talked with someone first.
Waiting new chance to come,
Waiting new reincarnation,
To break a curse and be happy,
To find her salvation...
The End 20.07.2015, 6 pm
Suzana Ristić Suza
----------------------------
Suzana Ristić Suza
----------------------------
So... it's 2 in 1-my the first English story* and the first poem-story. (*I translated other stories from Serbian, this one is originally written on English)
Theme is dark, but this is what I'm good at. I needed three days to write whole thing, guess I had inspiration, even this was totally new thing for me. Actually, it is the longest poem I have ever made! Still, I look on it as a story because of it's length and it was supposed to be a story from the first line. English isn't my native language so I carried a dictionary around with me, but I was surprised how much words I know and without it (and continued learning, of course 😉). The hardest thing was to find a matching rhyme - I'm a lyricist but this amount of rhymes confused me a little. Wrote more English lyrics than Serbian ones, but sometimes it was incredibly hard to find a rhyme.
Rhymes were in a different styles (ABAB, AABB, but mostly ABCB, my favorite for writing).
Ok, that was about style. Now, theme. After the first bridge scene wasn't sure what to do next, so I let my hand to lead me. In the end there was reincarnation, but that doesn't make story less dark. I tried to keep it simple on the darkest parts, but have I gone further in details with depression since it's something I could describe well.
If you like darker stuff, hope you enjoyed!
Ps. more stories will be published soon 📘🖊
Comments
Post a Comment