Gothica (2015)- full story

Story III-GOTHICA

The story is not for the younger than 14 years old, potentially disturbing the depressing end, the content is not morbid itself as the morbidity is hidden under the surface, ie, the negativity is combined with sarcasm through the whole story.
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09.11.2015

 Music, imagination and darkness. That is my world.

 Sometimes it seems to me that I have already lived and died and that all the events in my life were just an illusion, but then I open my eyes and see the darkness- it means that I am still here. Music is the boundary between the spiritual and the practical in me;it lets me fly to the heights, to dive to the bottom, but in the end it always returns me. Returns me ... to the darkness I belong to. I don't have a choice-imagination or darkness? Sometimes it's easier to escape in my imagination, but the darkness takes me away sooner or later. Then only music remains...

 The last correction of the makeup before going out on the scene. The eyes framed with a black eyeliner, a "smokey" eyes, intense red lips, the hair let down. I was born again and I will die again when the last song is over.

 I'm going out. I hear voices. Everything is ready for the show. We started with the first song. Although never attended a music school, I trained my voice by myself. I know that I do my best and I have made progress from the beginning. Metal has become my favorite genre. The sweet, brutal reality wrapped in velvet fantasy, music where there are no borders and where there is no taboo theme, where all the styles of singing are allowed and where the singers can discover who they really are: to see through the core of their soul. While as a girl I was fooling myself with pop music, I didn't even think about my vocal abilities, now I it's one of the most important things in my life. Hm, my life ... if art wasn't here to keep me, I wouldn't exist. Spending time at home and avoiding people is not life, it's existence and waiting for death.

 The last song. Good night, we'll see again. Back to the silence.

 Awaken from sleep, I don't see that person from yesterday in my mirror. This is an ugly girl who looks at me with her olive-green eyes. Her hair is tied up in a braid, glance tired and blue. It's time for chores, today I don't have to practice my voice. I have a feeling that I have a bunch of jobs, and these are just ordinary everyday activities. I hear a voice that comes from outside and it scares me. Damn it, yesterday I sang before hundred of people without problem! False alarm. I know that nobody will call for me because rarely who knows that I'm here. I'm not hiding, I'm just afraid of people. I'm really embarrassed when I'm close to them. It's terrible when you're in front of a huge puzzle you can't and don't want to solve, and every human is like a big puzzle. I personally seem like a very complicated puzzle, but anyone who read my stories and lyrics would roughly know that I am a combination of an old and childlike person suffering from depression and anxiety, so I seem much more serious, that I am sensitive and yet emotionally cold, I don't fall for sympathy, probably because I have always fought for what I wanted, I didn't wait for the support and pitty of the others. The interference of others is ruining everything, especially when it comes to personal goals. Someone else may not share your passion and won't understand your wish and can destroy the inspiration needed to reach your goal. Therefore, some things are better kept in secret until they are ready to shine in full shine. Maybe because of that attitude that I can do everything on my own I sit here without anybody else, maybe I'm just looking for solitude, who will know it. No problem, it suits me- just me, darkness and music.

 As the day goes by, my mental power disappears. So, I go early to bed, I need the power to sing later ...

 I'm quickly preparing: a long black skirt, black blouse, black shoes. There are more people than yesterday, uh, I hope I'll be good tonight. I will also add some songs from my favorite artists, this will be a great show!

 The end, it was great. It seems to me that they are more than happy.

There was a bouquet of blue roses waiting for me in the backstage and saying, "I know you don't have concert tomorrow, come to my party, I'll wait for you." I thought, "Well, why not. I don't have other plans for tomorrow."

 New day. I'm waiting for tonight, I'm just wondering who the mysterious person was. I was thinking what would be ideal to wear for such an occasion- with my favorite color, blue, I can't make a mistake. Blue and black. My favorite combination.

 Evening: I'm standing in my new blue-black gothic dress. I put a mask on my face like everyone else in the room. Ball under masks. I was thinking: How will the person who called me here come in? I walked in the crowd and then something made me turn around- a man with long brown hair showed me where to go. I went forward, not losing even a moment, I was afraid that the party could be prematurely ended. Another bouquet of blue roses was standing on stairs, and I went up. On each floor there was one bouquet, so I climbed to the last floor where there was no bouquet. There was a room full of blue candles, decorated in a gothic style-dark, elegant and mystic. On the wall was a beautiful stylish mirror, and I wanted to check my hair and makeup. The person that stood behind me before was behind me again, scaring me.

 Me: "Who are you?" Guy: "It's not a point to know who you are dancing with, it loses its meaning then. " I (laugh): "Good one,now tell me who you are and why you called me here?" Guy: "I'm the one you want me to be. The choice is yours." Me: "It sounds nice, but I just want to know ... (I looked into his eyes and looked down because I suddenly became embarrassed)" Guy: "Your purity is a gift, don't lose it. In your eyes I see so much: pain, suffering, compassion, tenderness, fear ... Gentle as a child, yet again with such serious attitudes. " Me (louder): "And you called me here to tell me about my traits? How can you know me better than me? And I ask, again, before I go: Why did you call me here? " Guy (kisses my hand):" To tell you that I will protect you from all. We will see again soon, mademoiselle. "

 I went down the stairs back to the party, although I was a little sorry to leave that beautiful room, and then I went home.

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 The new day came again. I've been practicing singing all the time, afraid that someone doesn't hear me, trying to be as good as possible. It's not easy but I have learned to control volume. The mysterious young man invaded my thoughts- I was scared of what he wanted from me ... I had the feeling that we would meet again ...

 At the performance at the evening it was pretty good, but I unconsciously searched for a mysterious young man around the room. After saying goodbye to the members of the band, I started walking to the bus station. Guy again jumped off from somewhere and again was wearing a mask. Me: "Why are you wearing the mask? The party ended yesterday." Guy:" Why are you going home? You don't have to go. Stay with me. " Me: "Why?" Guy (takes my hand): "Because the night has just begun, mademoiselle."

 The Moon was in the first quarter, the sky was crystal and full of stars. We walked near the river. Guy: "Isn't the nature beautiful?" Me: "Yes. I very much like to look at a moon." Guy: "Because you're Cancer in ascendant." Me (shocked): "How do you know that?" Guy: "Because you are the sweetest Capricorn I've ever met." Me (reddening): "I'm really embarrassed when unknown people give me a compliments. Will you ever tell me who you are?" Guy: "Why should I tell you when you know? The mask doesn't have to fall to see someone's soul." Me: "Eyes are soul, I know about it, but I'm afraid to look people in the eyes. I will rather wait you to take off the mask. " Guy:"See ya tomorrow, mademoiselle. I'll be your phantom."

 Thursday. I stayed in bed for longer, but that didn't help me to rest properly. Although I didn't practice singing, I sang the song "The Phantom of the Opera" all day. I don't know, something made me to. Maybe it's because of the words of that guy... Oh, I have to get him out of my head. Speaking about a song, I really love this song, but I've never managed to bring out the note E6 at the end of the song, I would mostly end up with a high C (C6), which is two notes lower, sometimes with D6, which is currently the top of my vocal range. I would fix that by singing and male vocal sections, since I have the power of transformation when singing is in question. Everybody do what they know.

 When I arrived in the evening where we were supposed to have a show, band members immediately suggested that we perform "Phantoms of the Opera."

 I just nodded, realizing that the young man would appear during the song. After one of my less versal songs, I started the song "The Phantom of the Opera." I started the first part and waited to start the other and, just when I needed to start, he appeared and sung with me in a duet! He wore a mask again and approached me lightly, all the time looking at me. We sang in the duo all the way to "Sing my angel of Music," and then was my solo. I felt weird, as if I was sure I should go two more notes above without losing my voice. And then, the big finale: E6, perfectly done, came out of my vocal cords! Impossible! For years I've been trying to do it at least on a microsecond! I'm in shock and the audience is in the trance. I think this is one of the most beautiful moments of my life even though I didn't get anything material. This certainly has to do with that young man ... dammit, he's gone! I'll find him again, now I wanted to enjoy this wonderful moment.

 Morning. Today is a day for warming up and practicing. I tried to make E6 today, but it simply didn't come out, even on a microsecond. I was disappointed, but that's why everything else worked properly.

 I listened to some songs I love. Some of those who had the theme of love made my heart so full that I just wished I knew them before, when I was in love ... I'm just kidding, I'm not the type of person who likes such a love theme, but it's true that I had been in love a long time ago. But, sometimes you realize that you would have a bad influence on someone or that someone is simply not for you, and that you are a loner, so you give up on it. Anyway, my depressing thoughts occupy me so much that I can't think even of more important things , let alone love.

There are so many reasons why I wouldn't like to be in relationship, but it doesn't matter at all.

 We are not performing again. In order not to sit in the house without a reason, I went to the old abandoned castle to enjoy its classical beauty. The doors were open, but there was no one. I went to the roof that was about ten meters tall, thoughts from my daily life dragged me down ... I stood near a wall that separated the edge of the roof.

 Young man's voice brought me back from my daydreaming. Guy: "Death on that way is sure, but painful. In any case, I won't let you die tonight. " Me (shocked):" How do you ... why do you think that I ..." Guy:" Here you can't hide who you are. This is where everything shows. " Me (disturbed): "You don't know anything about me, just like I don't know anything about you. " Guy (approaches me): "I know that when you were a little girl, you wanted your first kiss to be with me." I (nervous laughing): "And do you know that, when I laugh like this, I can hit somebody just like that? " Guy: "Look at me. Look at my eyes. Do you see who I am? Don't let what is out to fool you, it's just a reflection of your mind. My eyes will remain the same."

 The look that froze me- it was him, the person I loved, or at least thought I loved, so now my mind only plays tricks with me. Guy: "Can I have the honor to be the first to kiss you? I know you don't want me anymore, but I know that the younger version of you was waiting for this moment."

I didn't answer him with words, I just put my lips on his ... It was my first kiss, on a ten meter high roof of a beautiful medieval castle, at midnight ...

 The weekend started, but for me there is no rest. Cleaning, cooking, reading the news, possibly a bit of creative work. That what happened last night left me upset. I feel I did something wrong and in fact I didn't do anything wrong. But, , who will explain this to my brain when he does not understand anything?

 I didn't wanted to see him tonight, to feel less guilty and to dedicate myself to the music in the way it deserves. A big concert was getting closer, so I practiced with the members in the evening while I did the usual things by day.

 The scene is decorated in black and white contrast, with the logo of the band in the middle. The stage and lighting are arranged the day before the concert.

 I wore a corset, long gloves, a skirt, a black leggings and a black boots. The hair was tied at the ends, so as not to bother me while I was singing, and the rest fluttered on the air that came from the fan. About the makeup and jewelry, there was a black necklace and long earrings, a white powder for the face, a black eyeliner, a black shadow and a black lipstick.

 The mass of people shouted the name of our band and each member individually was greeted with great ovations. When I went out on the stage, we started with the hardest song we could find in our discography. During the two and a half hours the audience sang with us and enjoyed in our performance.

 My heart trembled so hard that I started to wake up ... Too much excitement this time. I don't know how I didn't wake up after that kiss either. I looked at the clock- three hours, there is no way I could fall asleep again. Again- I want to go back to sleep, at least there is something going on. There I am doing thing I love, I enjoy beautifully decorated mystical places, I wear a beautiful gothic clothes! There I am free, and here I live as a prisoner of my own mind. I want to go back and finish that concert!

 I couldn't go back, so I decided to get up and make a bed. Sunday, day like any other, except that I'll again at least for a moment lose myself among the notes. I'll go back to a world where I'm not scared, where am who I am. It is the world I created from nothing. As I sang one of my songs dedicated to Him, I knew that this love had passed, but the dream returned me back when things were different. It's easier to say that you are waiting for someone who will never belong to you than to say to others that you are enough for yourself, they don't understand it.

 The phase of the full moon. I am upset about the situations that happens in my head. I am listening to the songs of the performers who have already made their dreams come true and who already have many years of career, and at the same time I draw a girl with a beautiful medieval black dress. In the end, I turn off the music, put away the paper and return to the darkness where the voices from my head are waiting for me and again will blame me for everything. Who would say that such a simple and boring life can be so complicated?

Night of full moon. This time I only dreamed about the usual things: bridges, rivers, dark forests, death. I already know the meaning: connecting spiritual and material, emotions, anxiety and worry, the end something. But, nothing was ended except this dream. All the same-isolation, waiting and one dream that never came true. I am aware of my emotions, I am aware of what is happening in my head ... I am aware of the fear, but I can't overcome it because it is not a certain fear, so that I know what I am fighting against. It seems to me that my life is full of irony, I love music and I want to be a professional musician, and on the other hand I suffer from social anxiety. It seems to me that every chance gets away from me, it's not because I'm pessimistic- I became a pessimist because life was constantly disappointing me. Irony. Bunch of irony.

One of the biggest fears is that everything was in vain. I'm afraid I will never make my mysterious world in the real world too.

 Another night. Totally disappointed, I'm going to bed. I'm dreaming a light that slowly calls me. I think this is my last dream. I think my sleeping elixir starts to work. I think ... that I will not wake up tomorrow.

 I gave up my dreams, but I left the most valuable thing I have - my art. I left my soul in it. While it exist, I will live even though I will be in another place. I'll live because the artists are immortal. Now, the only question left is: did the world lose something by my departure? Did it lose anything but a frightened, depressed person who devoted her insignificant life to art?

 Time will show. But, I know that the answer is negative, because time will only take away that little memory of me to the oblivion ...

The end
10.11.2015 17:35 pm
Suzana Ristic Suza
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Disscusion:

 And finally, me as the main character. All the way to the end, it's not known that I actually dream all this, and that my boring daily activities are actually my life. During the summer I'm also working hard with my father, but that's mostly it. I'm not leaving home often and I don't have time for it, nor I'm interested in it.

 The story is called "Gothica" in order to show that Gothic subculture is my world (here I am not talking about the medieval Gothic period, but about what is now considered Gothic and what we alternatives consider under this term), although my everyday life is different than that .

 As you can see from the beginning, it's my dream to be a musician, create my own music and show who I really am. Nothing great, just to have my band and create songs from heart, not to have world fame or something, only artists who enjoy what they do, and success would eventually come. I didn't want to deal so much with the concerts in this story because I didn't want to break the magic of a real concert if I ever get to it.

 I put in a mysterious young man to make the story more mysterious and interesting because I'm a boring person, otherwise I don't know how much more important it is to me (I really don't feel well when I read that part of the story). In the meantime, I realized that the whole concept of love is overcame and that people only serve for reproduction, while love passes, I don't think such things are too interesting for me personally but I don't mind writing about other characters. I am enough for myself, and there is too much of me. It's hard to bear me.

 My real dreams are mostly nightmares (as I said in the story, frequent dreams are water, forests, bridges, death, there is also a elementary school that I am linking to bad things and continuous running as a common motive). In the story I sing someone else's and my own songs, but only the song "Phantom of the Opera" is mentioned, which was also covered by my favorite band Nightwish :) <3.

 Considering that the story is about me, I have expressed my personal views in that part of my life but now, four years later, I agree with the written.

 The end is morbid and I prefer not to comment, I'll write about it anyway in some of the future stories. I hope the story doesn't have a bad influence on other artists like me.

 Conclusion: The story shows how difficult it is to be an artist - our dreams are for most people silly because we don't fit into "standard" interests, but we are trying to work in our own way, guided by the feeling and not by the command. Even these stories I write when I have inspiration, not by anyone's desire, but by what would lead me to write. Nowadays it's hard to keep creativity, but it's easier to do art, and in medieval times they considered artists to be weirdos. Well, I personally am weirdo. I was honest, as in every story.

Follows: "Series" where fashion, love, psyche and school are intertwined :)