It will never be better (2012 and 2016)- full story

 

The story is not suitable for under 17 years old due to autodestructive scenes, it can affect young people, potentially depressing and disturbing scenes, personal perspective, don't try any of the above. The first story was written on February 16th and 17th, 2012, so I had to change some parts to be more meaningful and somewhat more serious, the other story was written at the end of 2016 and contains elements that are not fiction, that's why I really don't recommend it to sensitive young people.

The story wasn't planned to ever be published, in the meanwhile I realized that it was nothing more difficult than "13 Deaths" which I have published before it. There is no moral point of a story, it represents the ideas of that time. I personally don't like to bring people into such unpleasant situations, this is just a fiction.
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Story no. 1
DEEP IN MY SOUL, EVERYTHING STARTS TO FALL
Date Written: 16 / 17.02.2012

Departure
16.2.2012 Thursday, 17:30

 Peaceful morning. May has already begun, meaning the season of excursions, and the buses just parked in front of a primary school waiting for the police to check their safety. Among the first to arrive was Sue; as always, much before all, Sue waited for the rest. She wasn't very enthusiastic about going to the excursion because she didn't really want to go, but the form teacher insisted so she couldn't escape it. Too bad, if she knew what was waiting on her with Sue she wouldn't even think of it , she would know that at home she would be at least a little safer.

 Sue is a quiet 14-year-old, a withdrawn artistic soul whose depression is getting worse, but she persistently tries to hide it. She would never want to create problems and hurt someone, but for some time this same fixed idea has been spinning over the brain. .. She can't do it, it would bring a lot of problems to her companions, but... now it's a perfect opportunity for it, now she's free... wait, what will happen to the people around her if she does it? And so, like on a seesaw her thoughts changed from minute to minute, throwing her in even worse despair.

 The children were slowly gathering - from lower grades to the graduation students, i.e. Sue's class, in front of each bus a real little rhapsody of colors was created, rolling the wheels of the suitcase and the noise of children and their parents didn't stop until all the buses went. Sue watched who was coming - it was Jovana, her friend from the class, then  form teacher also appeared and finally Milica, with whom she was in the room. The bus opened its door and the children fluttered inside - Sue sat next to the window, Milica right next to her. Before the bus left Sue glanced through the window, as if it was the last time she's here. She waved at her parents and hurried to wipe away tears, she didn't like that people see her cry. She preferred to suffer and breaks her soul from the inside, rather than to cry and tell someone who could help her, she wanted to act bravely but she didn't know how long she will endure.

 With music, snacks and a lot of laughter with Milica Sue didn't even think about bad things, but that didn't last long. When Milica fell asleep, Sue quietly looked out the window... into the immense fields ... thoughts began to come back: "I can't do this anymore- why don't I finish it already?! Who am I kidding - it will never be better ..."

 Suddenly she heard the call. The bus stopped, waking Milica. Milica: "Where are we now?" Sue: "What? Oh,the bus... well, we're in... I don't know." Guide: "Children, we take a break for an hour and then continue the journey."

 They came to the park in which they had a little break from the road. Milica was with Marel, her childhood friend, Jovana was as during the whole trip with Sarah, the other girl in the class, and Sue sat alone on a bench and thought again. Her heart trembled while she thought of her plan... should she give up? She thought she might be able to resist and think about something else. She stood up and walked away from the others, trying to find something interesting around. Hm ... trees ... grass ... cars that are passing through the highway and can hit someone if they jump in front of them ... No, no, don't think of it! Ground ... sidewalk, broken glass .. . Glass ... It's just so glittering ... A glittering, sharp glass ... The hand went towards it, seamlessly took one piece and hid it in her bag.

 After a certain time they continued their journey and they have reached the destination during the day. Some time they spend outside, then went to the hotel for lunch and after lunch went to their rooms. Sue and Milica's rooms was located on the tenth floor, so they they climbed up the stairs and barely got to the top. The first two classes were located on the lower floors, above them were the students of the third class. The room had a beautiful view of the city, while down were the monument and the beautiful fountain whose sound reached rooms.

 Later Milica went back with Marel, while Sue watched people from the window who seemed to look like ants from that height, it was so high that no one would survive the fall ... No, there are too many people in front of the hotel, that would be too much of a trauma for them. It's so hard to resist ... this feeling is unbearable, she needs something to mitigate it, something that is equivalent to a mental pain ...

 She went to the bathroom with bag in her hands, pulled out the glass she took today and stood in front of the sink. She saw this somewhere, perhaps it would help to finish quickly with everything ... Horizontal cut, the first time. Nothing, the glass gently pressed skin, hurts a little, but there is no blood. The second time, the same place- and still the same. She decided to try the third time a little harder, this time, mildly cutting her skin, so the blood covered the forearm. Although it hurt, as she never deliberately cut her skin before, she made another cut at that place, causing more blood. It was more painful than she could bear and she didn't go deeper, but that's why the wound didn't want to stop bleeding even after someone time, by that making Sue nervous. As she didn't have a bandage she tried to make an improvised bandage of tissues and wet wipes, which somehow stopped bleeding, but she was afraid that someone may notice that thing on her  arm and that the blood wouldn't stop .

 Meanwhile Milica appeared, noticing that Sue was nervous. Milica: "What's the matter with you?" Sue (nervous): "With me? Nothing, why you think that something happened ... Nothing happened. ." Milica:" I'm going with Marel, I don't know when I'll be back, maybe tonight." Sue:" Great! I mean, I'm glad you're having fun and I have some work here ..." Milica: "What are you going to do?" Sue: "To ... draw! I want to draw a little bit." Milica: "Ok, I'll see you later."

 After she left, Sue approached the window again: "The height is perfect, but all these people ... Perhaps, if we were on the other side of the building, I could do something like this, this way is no possible. I can't take another room now, after all, I don't know what it looks like on the other side ... if I could look at the whole situation and see are there less people ... Rooftop. I need to go to the rooftop. How will I pass all these people in the corridor? Have to risk it. If I do this, then it won't matter anyway. "

 She walked out of the room, locked the door, went nonchalantly to the stairs then went upstairs. She hurried to arrive before someone sees her and then she reached the more massive doors that separated the floor and the rooftop. She opened them with struggle and soon found herself on a spacious rooftop. Looking down, she found on which side are no passerby, so slowly began to climb ...

 "Look, there's someone on the rooftop of the hotel, it looks like it is some kid! It looks like it's going to jump!" - was heard from below, and Sue panicked and quickly came down from there, rushing to come back down before someone sees her. On returning to the tenth floor she met a teacher in the hallway. Form teacher: "Where have you been? You went upstairs?" Sue: "I ... yes, I was on the wrong floor." Form teacher: "Is everything all right?" Sue: "Yes, I was tired of climbing up the stairs and the lift was busy. I'm going to the room to rest." Form teacher: "All right, don't just lock yourself in the room, it's a wonderful weather outside, use it to walk a little bit. " Sue (in herself): "I walked more than I needed. (loudly) Yes, maybe later. Goodbye. (leaves) " Form teacher:" Goodbye. "

 Sue entered the room, laid down on the bed and sighed. "It won't go like this," she said, "I need to try something else. Luckily that I didn't seem suspicious at a moment, I would have a nasty problem ... oh, forget it, I already have a problem. Is there no other solution? These thoughts won't leave me alone; I have the feeling that nothing can ever bring me back to what I was. ( removing the "bandage") Ouch, this hurts ... uh ... it's good, it stopped bleeding, but I have to wash this, it probably can't hurt ... "

 The water wasn't exactly a good idea for a wound that just stopped bleeding, so Sue again had the same problem. Like a cherry on the top, she heard knocking at the front door, and she had to put an improvised bandage back and open the door again. Form teacher was in front of door: "You're still in the room? I need Milica, did you see her?" Sue (nervously): "She went somewhere with a friend from another class, I don't know when she'll come back..." Form teacher: " What's going on with you? Why are you so nervous? "Sue:" I'm not nervous at all ... everything is fine ..." Form teacher:" What's wrong with your arm, why are you holding it like that? Let me see. " Sue: "I hit it a little bit, nothing terrible ... Everything is fine ... (moves slightly backwards)" Form teacher: "I am responsible if you hurt, should we put a medicine on it or something ..." Sue:" No, no ... I just hit it a little bit, it's better now. It doesn't even hurt. " Form teacher: "You act very  strange... (takes her hand forcefully and sees blood) You bleed! You have a cut on the wrist, how did you get this, for the name of the world?" Sue: "One of the things I brought broke  and cut me ... " Form teacher:" On the wrist? How could it cut you like that?! You didn't ... " Sue:" No. It was by mistake. It will heal. " Form teacher: "Let's put some medicine on it to not get infected." Sue: "It will not get infected, it's all right, I know to take care of the wound." Form teacher: "I can't figure out how it could cut you like that... why you didn't call me?" Sue: "There was no need, it just scratched me a little. Don't get nervous, I'm really okay, I'll call you if there is a need for that." Form teacher (goes): "Okay, you know where I am."

 Sue came back to the window and thought: "There will be no need to call anyone. Uh, it's good that she didn't realize that it wasn't a random cut, who knows how this would end ... Again, it might be wise to say what happens, maybe somebody will help me get out of these thoughts ... Forget it, I'm not worthy of someone's help. It's the best way for everyone. "

 In the evening, she got under the blanket and tried to fall asleep, but the nightmares didn't give her peace, she rolled over the bed and tried to calm her soul in dreams. Unsuccessfully.

 In the deaf hour of the night, when everyone was already sleeping, Sue put a wig on her head, changed clothes, took her stuff and left the room. The elevator took her down to the ground floor, she walked past the reception desk and walked out of the hotel, heading towards the bus station. There she asked for a ticket that will take her away from there, took the ticket for the next bus to make sure that no one will arrive and stop her.

Leaving for forever
17.2.2012 Friday, 8: 16

 She sat on the bus and wondered was this a smart idea and whether she should have done this at all, realizing that it was all the same anyway and that by the end of the day she wouldn't exist anymore. The rays of the sun rose through the hill and covered her face, she quietly watched that moment of awakening of a new day.

 Soon there was a time for the others to wake up and continue trip, so Milica woke up when she heard knocking at the door. Jovana: "Let's go for breakfast, take things when you're going down because we're moving right after. Tell that to Sue too." Milica (sleepy, looking around, then looked at the bathroom): "Where is she?" Jovana: "How do you mean- where is she, isn't she with you in the room?" Milica: "There are no her stuff, it seems she went out." Jovana: "Maybe she's already gone for breakfast, you get ready too."

 Downstairs, on the breakfast, Milica looked around, but she couldn't find Sue anywhere. She wasn't in the hallway neither, so she informed the form teacher. Form teacher: "How is she missing? She must be somewhere, she can't disappear just like that. ... She must be somewhere in the hotel or she's outside, give me the number to call her. (calls the number) Hello, Sue, where are you? "Sue:" Near the place where I belong ..." Form teacher:" Which place? "Sue:" It doesn't matter. Don't worry, I'll be fine. " Form teacher: "What does that mean? Where are you, child?" Sue: "I took a bus ticket and went to one place. I didn't want anybody to worry about me, continue a trip as before." Form teacher (catching her head): "For God's sake, child, how could you go and tell no one, what if something happens to you ?! What should I do then?" Sue: "It will happened what would happen anyway, it has nothing to do with you. You have a lot of persons you need to worry about, don't worry and about me, take care of them. I'm sorry that I had to do this, I can't stand anymore this feeling from the inside, I can't continue this way ... " Form teacher:" Well, now you're worrying me! Tell me exactly where you are, we come after you and we will take care of everything, don't make any nonsense! " Sue : "Just continue with the excursion as before, I will be fine. (connection breaks)" Form teacher:" Sue, Sue! Oh, God, what happened to that child?" Milica:" Where did she go? " Form teacher: "She didn't say anything, did she mention anything in front of you?" Milica: "No, she was strange yesterday." Form teacher (sigh): "I hope she will be fine wherever she is, maybe it will settle down and she'll go home. I will try to call her again later."

 The group continued to travel, but nevertheless remained concern about what was going on with Sue, but nothing could be done because they didn't know where she was.

End 1- Negative End
Same date, 9:45

 Almost everyone in the bus fell asleep, except for teachers who were in the alert if pupils needed something. Radio quietly played, the news started and some of them turned on volume a little bit. "In the morning a young girl drowned in a river, her identity is unknown, but since within her stuff was found a notebook with her name, surname and class, it's probably an eighth grade student called Sue. The girl didn't survive, we are waiting on further informations. "

 A form teacher, realizing that the person they are talking about is Sue, cried so loud that everyone in the lower part of the bus heard her, and then called the police to ask for more informations. The information was confirmed and she had to go to the place where Sue was found dead, while the rest of the group returned home.

 Sue was buried a few days later, at her funeral people from the school, as well as acquaintances and relatives, were gathered. It was the end of a person with a lot of potential, only one of millions of young souls who could have done more but the nothingness prevented them in that.

End 2- somewhat positive end

 Sue stood near the river and stared at it. Each step closer to it would make her heart aching, something inside didn't want to end like this. After a few minutes of looking the river in front of her she took her stuff and returned to the station .

 While the rest of the group was returning she had already come home, surprising her parents to whom she said she had arrived earlier and wanted to come home by herself. She turned off the phone for any case, she didn't want to be disturbed.

 Sue decided to on Monday go for the second class, so she did it, she went when everyone else was in the classrooms and her class was at the form teacher's class. Sue (slowly knocked): "I'm sorry to come later, I was thinking is it wise to come at all ... " Form teacher:" Well, Sue, where were you? Do you know how much I worried? I thought you would make some nonsense over there, where were you? " Sue: "It is not important." Form teacher: "It's important! How could you go during the excursion, for God's sake? Where were you?" Sue (looks at the floor): "Near the river." Form teacher: "Near the river, what did you look up for there?" Sue: "I don't want to talk about it." Form teacher: "You have to talk when you've already made this nonsense." Sue: "No, I made a nonsense by coming back, I should have drown myself and then I wouldn't have to listen this." Form teacher: "Wait ... what you said on the phone and this now. .. you went to kill yourself? (panic) Was that your intention ?! And you made that wound on the wrist by yourself, didn't you? I knew something was wrong with you, you have to urgently go to a psychologist, this is serious! " Sue (nervously): "There is no need, there is nothing to say. It's not your problem, as you see I'm alive and everything is fine." Form teacher: "Should we risk that you do this again? It's just a matter of time when you will do something like that again. " Sue (furious exits): "I don't have time for this." Form teacher (goes after her): "Stop Sue, we have not finished this conversation! Sue!"

 What happens next will remain a secret ...

Story no. 2
IT WILL NEVER BE BETTER
Date of writing: 16.11 / 19.11.16

Hi, don't you recognize me?
November 16, 2016,
Wednesday, 16:15
(four years and nine months after writing the first story)

 Sue never told anyone about her dark fantasy- who cares about her at all? She felt trapped ... she wanted this to end and to finally be happy. She didn't want to be dead, she hoped that one day everything would be OK.

 I am very well aware that her expectations will fall into the water, the mental state drastically worsen when in the February 17th 2012 she takes a razor blade in her hand and that her fantasy will become a real self-destruction. After all, she would at least want that she was free and that she did everything which she forbid herself - if she has to fall, at least to be free. I really want to let her do it.

 The October's sun is warming hellish town, which is in itself sultry from the heat of contempt, mockery and hate. Oh, how I hate this goddamn place and these depressing streets, especially the place in front of which I stand- the place of a doom. If I don't have to find Sue I wouldn't even come here, every time I think about this place I want to stab the knife in my heart and bleed it out. The unspeakable psychic pain that permeated my lungs broke me from the inside, spasmodicly persuading me not to go in there. I had to, I didn't have any other way. That will be the best. Every step closer to the entrance was more painful than all the wounds on my arm together, of course while they were fresh, and every step brutally ripped off the pieces of my mind, leaving them broken under my feet to make this path of pain even more bloody.

 I enter. They can't see me, but I see them, unfortunately. This is so painful that,if I weren't already a ghost, I would get out of here and end my life. Where the hell to find Sue? Bell rang and the children began to leave the classrooms. I went to the floor to find her and saw her in front of the geography cabinet.

I came to her and said: "Hi, Sue. I came to save you." Sue (looks if someone is nearby): ,,Of whom?' Me: "Of everybody and everything. Listen, the others can't see me, just imagine the question because it will be weird if you talk to me." Sue (in herself): "Who are you? You look familiar to me, but I can't remember who you are ..." Me: "You. Seven years later." Sue (in herself): "Oh, I will finally lose weight!" Me: "Don't rejoice too much, I have gained it." Sue (in herself): "You were thinner than that ?! How did you do it? With pills?" Me: "Did you hear about anorexia?" Sue (in herself): "I didn't. What is it?" I: "You may find out. Anyway, when do you have physical education?" Sue: "Next class, I hate it from the bottom of my soul, I would love not to have it at all." Me: "Today is your lucky day, you don't have a class." Sue: "How's that?" I: "You'll do something I've always wanted. On that way I can talk to you about everything." Sue: "You mean to skip a class? I can't do it." I: "You have my permission. After all, after the things that I will tell you you will realize that it's a miserable thing against everything that will happen to you." Sue: "What will happen to me?! I'm getting into a bad company? Is that why you have that thing above your eye?" I (laugh):" Not all people with piercing are bad, and it's not the reason for your future problems. This place will persecute you forever, so I'm here. Bell rang, see you later."

 I waited for her curled up in the corner, occasionally shedding tears because of all the damn memories that had returned.

 The class is over. Sue went out and quickly went to me, turning to see if Miss Omnipresent was nearby. Sue (in herself): "I'm scared - where are we going?" Me: "Do you want to go to the bench near the school?" Sue: "I can't believe that I do this at all, so why not. We have to go to another exit so they can't catch us."

 We went there and sat on the bench. I: "Ah, I feel so free!" Sue: "You came here just to skip the class?" I: "No, I'm here ... to fulfill your dark fantasy. You know, the one with death." Sue (shocked): "Why? Everything looks good!" I (pull my sleeve up): "Look. This is part of the future. I did this to myself. I did worse things than that, but it just didn't get better. I just got bond to ambitions that can't be achieved, it kills me from the inside, but the idea of it is so strong that I can't finally end my life. That's why I want to finish this earlier. If I could come last year maybe I would have prevented the tragedy from the beginning of this year, although it had to be like this even though I can't stand the fact that I'm powerless. I want you to be what you want right now, at this point. What you want later will turn into ashes. " Sue:" I want to lose weight- I see I've made it. I want to get out of here and to escape from this place - you say that it continues to haunt you. I want to move. " Me: "Yes, the place and the house are the ones you are dreaming about, but the conditions aren't. You would still not have much money. You will see, it will be worse, you will be on the edge of not having any money and you will give the house cheaply. You will not want to live there, but you will not have the money to buy a house, so you'll try to finish the one that we already have. "Sue (sadly):" Do I have at least a dream room? " I: "I tried to make it. I have a big mural on the wall I painted on my own and the walls are blue, as well as curtains and decoration. I maintain it neat." Sue: "Sounds nice. By the way, I wanted to be in relationship with you-know-who. " Me: "Yes, as long as you don't hear in a terrible way that that he has a girlfriend. Give up him, he is not for you. He belongs to some other world, there are many guys who would like you the way you are, but you will not be interested in it . Don't spend your love on someone with whom you wouldn't have nice future, I know you don't want to be just another girl in his or anyone's line while he is the only love for you. You don't need it. "Sue: "You are right.Wait, I would be pretty to someone? (blushing)" Me: "I'm hearing it in my own time, but I already told you that it will not interest you and you will still feel like it's not true, plus my heart belongs to music, which is one of your wishes, to be a singer. You will not believe me, but I'm singing metal music. "Sue:" That's like a rock? " Me: "Yes, that's the best thing in my life. I sing in operatic style." Sue (laughs): "Come on." I (singing a song and astonish her): "Well? It's five years of practice, just wait to see what our songs are like." Sue: "We also have our metal songs? On English? Wow! And stories?" I: "I have more than twenty in my time. It would be hard for me to give up all that, so I am here so you can do it. You are not related to your own artworks as much as me, you are related to the wishes that won't come true." Sue:" Yes, you're right. Deep inside I want to end this. I want to die. Will you help me for at least some wishes? " Me: "Of course. Here, this is the first. From now on, don't leave the schoolbag in front of the classroom, always carry it with you.As for the big break, you don't have to be afraid to go outside - you're not alone anymore. Besides, if you get bored, you can always go. There are no more rules. "Sue:" And physical education and nervousness at certain classes? I can't understand what is happening! " I: "Anxiety. In physical education classes you panic whether they are going to laugh or will you get embarrassed, and at other classes you panic when you're surrounded by people, you're even sitting in the first desk so it's even worse. For depression you heard, I'll explain the rest on our way home. "Sue:" So, I'm not making it up? I was scared and to think something is wrong in such a way. " Me: "Yes, that's why I'm a twenty-year-old girl who doesn't come out of the house and talks with dolls, who doesn't have friends or relationships. Come on, we have to go so parents won't suspect anything."

Beginning of the end
17.11.2016, about 16 h
exactly four years and nine months from the beginning of the end

 This morning Sue, according to the advice I gave her, took less food than before. She dressed in black clothes and put lip gloss, which she didn't otherwise do.

 While we were waiting for the first class, I talked to her about her potential future. Sue: "Would a high school be better?" I: "Much better, but the nightmares and memories of this place will return you at the bottom .. I went from one class to jump from the bridge, up at the crossroads, but I saw that the bridge wasn't high enough - I would only get serious injuries. It was on our seventeenth birthday. A few months later, more precisely three months and six days , I went early to the other bridge. I didn't get there, I was prevented. I wish I did. I will regret it for the rest of my life. " Sue: "I can't believe you had the courage to do that! I imagine jumping from the upper floor from that fence, but that's just the idea ... What else did you do?" I: "I came back with a friend in the evening from school, and I started to climb up the fence of a small bridge ... Below there was a small canal that wasn't deep enough to get drowned, so I didn't tried to jump earlier ... I just wanted to climb that fence. It was weird , somehow I felt free. The friend screamed, so I didn't want to stay long. I went in the middle of the road later, which I couldn't do during the day. I like that feeling when I hold death in my hands. Even if it takes me I have nothing to lose. I loved to return from school during any kind of weather. Freedom. We both want it- to be free. " Sue: "Is this friend Milica? I hope it's not." Me: "No, she will go to another class. You two are too different to function - you are introvert, that is an loner, she is an extrovert. Get away from her if you can, it will come to an end anyway. " Sue: "I'd love to hear more from that dark side, I'm really interested, I don't know why." Me: "Okay, for example, because I always fall into the depressing phase if I start laughing a lot and the lessons afternoons were fun, only we were at school, after one such day I was in a very deep phase and I had the need to hurt myself. On returning home the parents went to sleep and I cut my wrist ... I usually didn't do that to avoid someone discovering my scars, but I already had a hand full of scratches so I didn't even care. I had a "Let me die" written on my palm, I did it with a razor too, but it didn't come to my mind somebody can see it because of long sleeves. Next day we had class in the lab and we did a practice where we cooked the content in laboratory containers so we had to cool them under a stream of cold water. I waited for a break because of the hand full of scars, as I had to pull my sleeve up a little, and I also had that one bandage from yesterday. The professor saw that I was cooling the container so he wanted to show me how to cool it faster and on that occasion pulled my sleeve a little, but enough to uncover the scars on the palm and part of the bandage ... "Sue (surprised):" And what did he say?" I: "Luckily, nothing, maybe he didn't even see. Believe me, I was just afraid of what would happen, but everything turned out well." Sue: "Wow, now I'm scared. It's good that no one is looking at me, they would think I'm a silly for making these faces. Do you have more anecdotes? " I: "Soon will ring for the class, so I'll tell you something quickly - I was sitting in the last desk so I could self-harm on class (Sue got shocked), I even kept a razor blade in the laboratory and cut myself, during the break I would have a razor in my pocket and made scars on hand, on one occasion when I was alone on the class and sat in the first desk I cut my skin while I was looking  the professor in the eyes! "Sue:" How did he not see you ?! " I: "My hands were under my desk and I carefully paid attention to lesson. The perfect mask. I remembered that once, fourth year of highschool or so, I accidentally dropped a razor blade in the hallway. One girl was standing nearby and I think she saw when it fell out. So embarrassing." Sue (shivers):" Oh, how crazy! It's terrible what the dark thoughts makes you do. " Me: "Yes, at least you will not be embarrassed as me."

 Second class they had form teacher's class, where teacher saw Sue's absence from yesterday. Form teacher: "Where were you yesterday during the physical education, Sue?" Sue: "My parents called me to come, we had to go somewhere." Form teacher: "Will anyone justify the absence?" Sue: "They forgot to report, but it doesn't matter." Form teacher: "Well, I've never had a problem with you." Sue: "(thinking) Perhaps it would be better if you had ..."

 Break; Sue approaches me and starts conversation: "Hey, you're bored?" I: "No, but still let's go to fresh air, I can't stand this building." (outside) Sue: "I want to be like you. You're a better version of me." I (laugh): "Are you kidding? I'm terrible." Sue: "All that you will become and do later, I want to do it now. I want to change everything and be what I want, what intrigues me. This wouldn't be copying, but moving the border backwards. I was thinking about various things, even self-harming. "I (sigh): "Speaking about why I am here I can't stop you. You've already hurt yourself by hitting your head, yes, it's a form of self-harming. Anyway, how do you want to start with the end? " Sue: "First I'll start with make-up like yours; dark shadows on eyes, painted nails in dark colors, then darker lips and details ..." I (laugh): "What does it have to do with all this?" Sue: "Nothing, I just like it. I know, to light a cigarette?" I: "No, no, no. No way. It seems rebellious, but you don't need it. We have alcohol for that." Sue: "Do you drink?" I: "Yeah, a little. I started drinking more  at age sixteen when I mixed the liqueur with the Bensedines (bromazepam pills with similar effect as Xanax). (Sigh) Well, it's reality. " Sue: "And skipping the classes ... how can I do it? It's too hard." Me: "Feel the moment. Remember, in the end you'll be dead." Sue: "That's right. Who cares, I'll free myself for all these years of captivity and feel the sweetness of freedom!"

 During the weekend Sue cut her arm for the first time ... I spent time with her, trying not to bind her to the things I was bond to. I'm the source of her satisfaction and suffering; she is glad someone is here with her and on the other hand sees that it will not be better, on the contrary. Why wait for those seven years? Before I died I wanted to know how it is when you are free to go where you want and to do what you want. This dream is constantly burning in me- I wanted to make it happen at least in the past.

 Monday - Although she was already in the school yard before seven o'clock Sue appears at eight o'clock in front of the cabinet. Since I helped her pierce her ears she put earrings, made her hair to a higher tail than usually, framed her eyes with an eyeliner and put a little bit of red lip gloss . With the black clothes she dressed she looked completely different which others commented, especially Jovana. Jovana: "You're so pretty with that makeup!" Sue: "Thanks. Milica has already begun to bother me because I never came to school like this before. I'm not afraid to show who I am from inside. "

 The next day she had to have physical education, which made her panic again.

 Me: "You know, since I'm afraid of lightning and thunder, like you just a little more, during the storm I sing the song that Tarja covered,"Darkness ". It talks about defeating fear and how fear is small compared to us. Okay, that song will be out for four years, but I can sing part of it to you to calm down.

I peer through the window, knock at the door,
And monster I was so afraid of lies curled on the floor.
Is curled on the floor, just like a baby boy,
I cry until I laugh..."

 She didn't want to leave the bag in the locker room but left it behind the place where the call out was made. I went to the little forest near the school so that I wouldn't have to see this man I can't stand.

 The class starts. The call out came to Sue: "Sue,here. Where is your white t-shirt? I said you don't have to wear a shorts, but you have to wear a shirt." Sue: "Did you see me wearing white or any t-shirt up to now? I haven't wear a t-shirt in public for years nor I will. " Teacher: "Why? What is the reason?" Sue: "A private thing." Teacher: "I don't understand what kind of private thing can prevent someone from wearing a shirt ..." Sue (takes the bag): "It's not your problem. Besides, since in the highschool I would have justification, then I can say now that I'm in the initial phase of diabetes. I'm not joking, I can prove it, no matter, it's anyway in my blood. " Teacher: "Where are you going? I'll wrote you weren't on the class!" Sue (smiles): "Feel free to do it. You never believed me. I'll let you know that I don't act, I really have a weak immunity, but I feel like I have to always say I'm ill because every damn class I'm afraid of a new dose of embarrassment that this class brings to me. Don't you see that I'm trembling every class? Oh, whom I am talking to (leaving, ignoring the teacher behind)

 I (when she came to me): "Incredible. Well said and honest. Are you scared what will happen after this?" Sue: "A lot, but I feel great. I don't know what I've been waiting for till now! Let's go somewhere,far away from here. " Me: "Let's go to the park. It's better to come back for the next class, we have to delay a little bit."

Unstoppable

11/18/2016 8:40 AM

 It seems I wasn't even aware of what I'm doing to myself, honnestly, I'm not aware even now of how important and dangerous it is when you try to take your own life. It seems to me that Sue belongs to a dream that didn't matter how it would end, nor how it will unfold.

 Again came the order to justify to the form teacher. Sue (thought): "I have to be cold." Form teacher: "Sue, I hear you left the physical education class on Tuesday. The teacher said you were a bit rude. What are you afraid of at a class? We'll take care of this. And why you don't get an excuse if you have diabetes, that's serious! " Sue: "First, I wasn't rude but sincere. Second, what scares me is more related with my psyche but this is a great environment for stronger paranoia. Third, I'm sure of this claim, but I am not able to justify it because I can't go to the doctor. There's a fourth, and that's it doesn't matter. "Form teacher:" How it doesn't matter? You can't leave the class just like that! If you have a problem, you tell it to me. " Sue (laughs): "You can't solve all problems, neither mine nor others. This cliché is outdated. Only one thing solves all the problems ..." Form teacher (surprised): "What happened to you? You weren't like this before! " Sue: "I don't wanna talk about it, this conversation is getting boring. It's nothing serious." Form teacher: "I'm going to focus on you, something is wrong." Sue (thought): "You've noticed it little bit too late."

 For the next two weeks Sue, according to my advice, took a little break from rebellious actives so that she wouldn't seem suspicious - it was not a point to end up at a psychologist or, even worse, at the clinic for suicidal thoughts, and during that time she lost several pounds because of a reduction in diet and a secret exercises. I arranged her room and spent time with her. I missed a dollhouse I didn't have the place to make in the new house. Okay, I already know I'm insane.

 October ends and the holiday was close (it lasts for two days), so it was time for another step of self-destruction. Anyway, the realization of Sue's desire to lose weight was impossible in a short period of time, but she was determined to fulfill her desire. Sheesh, I would just need a smaller coffin, but the real point of it wouldn't exist. However, I let her do it and helped her in the way I know- with destruction.

 The first class started. Sue asked to go out and carried a small bottle of alcohol in her pocket. She was standing next to the balcony that was on the way to the toilet. "I want to jump."- she said quietly. "You wouldn't have died, you would have such injuries to keep you in the hospital or perhaps even worse ... " Sue:" Right. I'm going to get drunk or at least get some sip." I:" Only two, you can't do more than that. " Sue: "And to make a cut." I: "Okay, but you can't stay longer than ten minutes." Sue: "Whatever."

 Since it was rainy the kids could stay in. Sue and I sat on the floor. I was singing to her some songs of other artists, luckily nobody could see  or hear me so I was free. She enjoyed my singing and she admired how I progressed so much.

 I just didn't know what to do here for a few months- to make Sue dead, and with that and myself, I could do everything for a day. But, noooo ... I have to do everything on the hard way.

 Before the physical education class Sue left things in the locker room and went out in the rain. She was on a concrete base and looked at the distance. I (approach): "Are you insane?! Wait, it's a stupid question. Why are you sitting in the rain? Do you want to catch a cold? "Sue:" I'll eat less when I'm sick. " I (trying to raise her): "No, but you will have bigger problems to lose weight if you don't exercise." Sue: "Let me go, I want to get pneumonia and die." Me: "Damn, do you think it's going so easy?" Sue: "Did you try that too?" I: "Something similar. Come on, you're wet enough, let's go." Sue (lowering head on the lap): "No. ( drinks two sips of alcohol) You go." Someone from the class (exits): "We have class inside!" Sue (getting up and going): "I'm not really for that right now, but I can't skip more classes yet."

Teacher (inside): "Since nobody has the equipment you'll sit in the locker room. Bring the equipment for the next class. We can no longer have a class outside."

 Sue sneaked out and went behind the concrete base, towards the nearby path. She took a razor and cut herself deep, the deepest until then. The blood dropped down with the drops of rain and created a bloody stain,  Sue's clothing was all wet. "What if someone reports that you are not there? "Sue:" Oh sure, they care a lot for me. And I, stupid, I'm trying too hard about everything, but in the end it's all the same. I will never again meet new people, they are exhausting me. " Me: "Okay, enough of cutting, put a bandage on your arm and let's go in." Sue (drinks more alcohol): "Okay. Let's go inside to look at faces I can't stand."

 Before that, she entered the toilet and looked into the mirror. We both were pale and had a numb glance. She laughed to herself. She said it would be easier for me to take on her role. Well, I was already here. While returning back to the locker room the teacher saw her. Teacher: "Where were you? Why are your clothes wet?" Sue (laughs): "I was in the rain, I'm trying to get a pneumonia to finally convince you that I'm sick." Teacher (winced): "I didn't even say I don't believe you! Go change, don't really get sick. Don't play with your health, you're too young to do something like that." Sue (grinned): "You don't believe me. Nobody ever believed me. And no, I'm not young. I feel like an old woman who counts the last months. Luckily, the age ends happily- with death. " Teacher: "Should I call a psychologist?" Sue (numbly): "You are threatening me with a psychologist?" Teacher: "I'm not threatening, something is wrong with you." Sue(laughs and looks blankly in front of her): "Now you're saying that you are shocked by my statement. Sheesh, it's too late for that. We all die, the difference it's just in questions like "How?" "Why?", When? " and so go on." Teacher: "All right, go to change so you don't get cold. "

 In the following days, Sue was very ill, but she came to school. Vacation came and passed. For all that time, I helped her learn  because she was barely able to think about it. A birthday that she didn't want to celebrate approached, but the parents insisted to invite a guests. I didn't want to remind her of my suicide attempts at the seventeenth and twentieth birthday (technically, for the seventeenth was an attempt at attempt), I knew it would have affected her badly.

 Friday, the birthday. It was cold, however, Sue couldn't be at school on that day. We went together to the park. She convinced her parents not to buy candies and similar nonsenses to treat the class - she said that no one else does that for a birthday, but only for a holiday. What a stupid tradition, our class could never be harmonious below the ideal facade, there were always a divisions. The rule was: "join or become an enemy", at least it looked so. I didn't bow down to the masses nor will I.

 And so, Sue and I sat in the park, quietly watching over the frozen branches. Sue: "Tell me." Me: "About what?" Sue: "About some events. I want to feel like I've already experienced them." I: "Okay. For example, I can tell you about the practice in high school. There were a lot of things worth mentioning."

 I talked to her for hours ... she listened to me carefully as a child to whom a mother tells a good night's story. The time has flown and it was time to return back. As we walked back we kept talking. She said that she would like to met those people whom I have praised so much, as well to see our high school. I have promised that I will take her one day when the weather gets better.

 At home, Milica called her to check why she wasn't at school but Sue didn't want to talk much. She somehow survived that birthday. In the evening, on Sunday, after the guests left, she took a dozen pills and swallowed one by one. She slept until the alarm woke up, realizing that she feels slightly dizzy.

 With the excuse that she was a bit sick from the cake (which, by the way, she ate one piece and threw it up, like every time before), she arrived at school. Again, the absences showed that she wasn't there. Form teacher: "Where were you on Friday? What's the matter with you, you're a pale. You're ill?" Sue (looks up to her): "No, I've eaten the whole cake, so I'm sick." Form teacher: "You can't eat so many sweets if you have higher sugar level! Somehow you look thinner, are you on a diet?" Sue: "Me, on a diet? No. (thinking) If anorexia and bulimia are not counted as a diet. " Form teacher: "Take care of yourself."

 The winter break soon started ... I remember my first break since the symptoms of depression became worse. The last day of the semester we didn't have classes because of not enough students. I was pale and was barely standing on my feet, hoping it was the last time that I was there. I waited until ten o'clock and then went home. As it was slippery because of ice I slipped down and cried. I couldn't cry for months before and after that. On the day after I cut my arm on the inside of the elbow, it was the most painful of my wounds to this day . The one that bled the most was from the spring of 2016- for three days, it didn't stop bleeding and I had to wear two bandages, but even after all that blood gone through them! Frankly, I started to panic because I didn't want to be caught. I had never dreamed that a knife could make such a mess, it wasn't even half as deep as my deepest wound (luckily they quickly close themselves, so far it would take at least fifty times to get stitches). On the following days of the winter vacation I was only in my room, listened to music and avoided food and conversations. I remember that alcohol, energy drink and pills stood behind my desk, I just don't remember why I didn't take them. After the break I set the day when I will finally end my life, however, only five minutes of waiting has divided me from a successful realization. Damn, he had to go to work later and ruin my plan.

Sue used the vacation to exercise to lose weight as quickly as possible. It was difficult to her at first, especially because she had a different diet than I initially, but she was already totally unconscious of everything else.

 At the beginning of the second half of school year she symbolically determined the first of March just like it did in 2013. From October to mid-January she lost about 20 kilograms, but I didn't let her lose half of hair as I did during 2013, which was now visible on the face too and couldn't be hidden anymore. She seemed slightly wider because she was wearing a few layers of clothes, she was extremely cold. She got a bit of a rude on classes and demonstratively left classes when she didn't like it, bringing herself problems with form teacher, who threatened to call her parents.

 It didn't even inhibit her, on the contrary, she was caught drinking at school. Form teacher tried to call her parents, not knowing they weren't home, and Sue lied she told them to come. She sent her to a psychologist, that didn't work either because Sue behaved frivolously. Neither Jovana nor Milica could change it. Did I create a monster? No, it was in me and it just came out in the light of the day.

 In February she lost six pounds, all her clothes were too wide, which her parents have noticed and they told her to slow down her diet, which in fact was no longer a diet but an eating disorder. She mainly let her hair down and covered her face with it. She learned some metal songs with my help and often sang in the hallway when she was alone, sometimes even when someone was nearby.

 I was standing by the window and asked myself what I was leaving in the future- stories, lyrics, the voice over which I tried so hard ... Isn't that why I got back here, to prevent myself to make it? Oh, why is it so difficult to give up something that doesn't even exist? It's too late to get back.

Come undone
19.11.2016 about 10 h

 I took her to high school once, she liked trees alongside the road and all that nature around her. I was angry when they removed trees while I went to high school, after it was less pleasant to walk back from school during the summer months. I saw some of my professors from the distance, although they couldn't see me because I would come to school in September of that year.

 During the month, the question of graduation and final exams was opened and the famous question among the girls, "What are you going to wear for graduation party?" I didn't even go to any graduation party and I have never regretted it, but I knew that Sue will not even be alive for her graduation. Given that there was little time left, Sue could be more honest with the answer: "I sincerely hope to wear clothes, whatever clothes. Where I go no one will even see what I've put on." "Where are you going?" "I don't know that yet."

 On the day before, on the twenty-eighth of February, Sue was getting ready for her departure from this world. She had backup solutions, just in case. It was Sunday,but two days before she did something she was afraid could ruin everything .

 Friday, physical education class, the topic of wearing a white T-shirt was reopened. She couldn't control and took off sweatshirt, standing in a T-shirt that revealed her bony arms and scars from cutting on them. Teacher (shocked): "How did you lose so much weight and where you got these scars ?!" Sue (sharp): " I did it. Scary, huh? Are you sorry to mention the white T-shirt? (takes a razor blade from a pocket and cuts with it, then wipes off the blood on the shirt) Here, it is no longer white. " Teacher (panic): "I need to talk to your father, this is out of control!" Sue (dressing up): "Don't freak out because of a few drops of blood, it's not a bomb to kill someone with it." Teacher: "Go to the psychologist, now!" Sue (coming out): "I need a psychiatrist, not a psychologist." After this scene, she didn't go to the psychologist but to the toilet, trying to stop the bleeding. After a while she picked up the things and left the school, trying not to think about the possible consequences.

 On March 1st she hesitated to go to school, but she came to another class. The kids in the class called their form teacher (she told them to call her if they see her) and she quickly appeared nearby. She tried to escape, however, two teachers surrounded her so she couldn't go anywhere. "What is this, you're trying to hold me in a prison?" Form teacher: "You need help, Sue. Let's go somewhere to talk and try to solve the problem. " Sue (trying to put herself together): "Fine, I will come to you after a class, we have art then chemistry, if you are afraid I'll escape you can come for me, although I don't think there is a need for that. I'll calm down until later so we can talk in peace. " Form teacher:" Okay, I'll come later, wait  for me here. " Sue went to the cabinet near the door, then took the opportunity to escape from school.

 I (walking beside her): "You've become a good manipulator." Sue: "I'm not manipulating, I don't want that anyone ruin my plans. Let's go where we were the days before." Me: "Why there? What if they start looking for you?" Sue: "Come on, please, they think that I am a rebel rather than a suicide. She will be furious that I have gone out of class and maybe make a little drama, but they won't look for me, I'm sure. As far as execution is concerned, I have no way to drown or jump from the height because of the stupid geographical position of the city, so I have to apply other methods. You say the pills don't work, the slitting wrist is ineffective, I have no weapons, so hanging is the only option. I put a rope in my bag. " Me: "We must then hurry up, it's nine o'clock! The sooner we arrive, the less likely to be seen by someone you know."

 In an hour and a half we reached the forest and we searched for a tree that was high enough for a sure death, yet not too high for climbing. After we found it we tied the rope for the branch and left the paper on the bag. "I hope there won't be rainy to wash the ink, "Sue said as she moved the stump to the branch. She climbed on the stump, placed a noose around her neck and then looked at me while I was lighting a small candle." Why are you lighting that candle? " Me: "To lighten our way to nowhere." Sue: "Well ... are you nervous? This changes the future, which means you also disappear ..." Me: "I'm a little nervous, I'm trying not to think about that. (the phone rings) To answer? It's Milica. "Sue:" Uh, she found the perfect moment ... Give it to me, it will not stop me anyway. (answer) Yes? Oh, teacher, it's you! What a lovely surprise. " Form teacher (over the phone): "Sue, how did you dare to go?! Come right back into school, I'll bring your parents by myself, where are you?" Sue: "On the stump." Form teacher: "What kind of stump?" Sue: "An ordinary stump. I'm on it with a very long scarf around my neck." Form teacher: "What does that mean? Come to school immediately! "Sue (eyes full of tears):" I will never come to school again. I have a noose around my neck and I was about to jump off the stump when you called. (breaks the connection) Let's do this. " Me: "Do you want to erase a call or put your phone in a schoolbag?" Sue: "I'll put it in my pocket, I don't want that anybody suspect that somebody killed me. Close your eyes, this won't be a nice scene. Bye." Me: "Goodbye, Sue."

 She stepped forward and began to spasm. I couldn't watch that scene so I closed my eyes... Only a suddenly I felt that I no longer feel anything.

 It's unnecessary to say how many panic occurred in the school- a police search was organized. They found my body after two days, still tied to the same tree. I went alone, without my art. It's best for everyone. At the funeral I was nearby - oh, look at them crying! Who they want to deceive with these fake tears? As I said in one of my songs-the most pathetic funeral I ever saw. Did any of them know the real me? Of course they didn't. They saw the black stain and not a person. I am sick of this damn charade called my funeral . What is the purpose of all when no one knew that I was actually an artist who lived for her artworks? I returned at the time when those artworks didn't exist to kill myself, I don't know just how much it means to me now. I'm dead. Why isn't it better now?

 The October sun once again warmed the hellish city. I am standing in front of the place of doom while my lungs were ripping from the pain. Sue is inside, I know she is, she was always on classes. I went three steps forward, but I changed my mind at the last moment and came back .

The end
11/19/2016 12:40 PM
Suzana Ristic Suza