That horrible human trait i'il never understand

I have repeatedly pointed out that I am interested in psychology, but I use it mainly to observe other people, I would not be a psychologist because this occupation is not suitable for oversensitive people like me. Okay, I can understand various actions and even different patterns of behavior that are created under different (bad or good) circumstances, but I admit that I am running out of tolerance for some human traits and actions. Well, even I can no longer stand the functioning of the majority of this messed up society that values ​​the humiliation of someone or something. I propagate equality and advocate for peace and better relations with others, both in life and on the Internet, but lately it has become unbearable for me to pretend that nothing bothers me and that everything is always fine. Just to explain, I'm not talking about hypocrisy here, but about a futile attempt to maintain "harmony" and good relationships while feeling bad and hostile energy around you, just to at least be good for them when it can't be for me. It's not masochism, at least the masochist enjoys his own suffering, I just want to go to the nature and live alone (I guess not for long, because the suicidal urge won't go away on its own, but I'd like to see what it looks like when I don't have to think about others), without the interference of other people's energies that draw every crumb of my energy that I can barely create. And here, how damn I am, I immediately feel guilty because that would mean leaving someone I have to help (because that seems to be the only reason I postpone my "bungee jumping" without a rope from one of the bridges over the nearby river, although I plan a certain act every day and how to perform it most carefully, since I am more than sure of my decision), and yet I do not want anything to happen to these people so I would, whether I like it or not, be left out completely alone, as would happened one day.

There is the most miserable, but therefore everyday feeling of humiliation, when those people to whom you have obeyed (your whole life) humiliate you for not being good for something. Don't talk too much, because the truth bothers them and doesn't fit into someone else's idea, and why you're not stronger, both physically and mentally (with the famous "if you were a son, we would have progressed now" because a female doesn't seem to earn anything), and why you just complain (while I'm actually constantly scared because everything I say either annoys someone, or is used against me, and more and more often every sentence I say is used to start an argument, and then some people tell me that I'm the one creating problems, and in fact I despise debates). Lately, I am afraid to speak and write, to anyone and anything, as if everything that has been said can be bad for me because people are very resentful and look for flaws in everyone's presentation, and I can't stand more negativity. I'm scared when I see a comment or a response to a comment, I'm scared when I see that I have a new message, I've been afraid of calls for a long time and I avoid giving my phone number to anyone, so let them be as angry as they want, talking on the phone has become extremely difficult and I can't stand that kind of conversation.

I did not feel humiliated when, to show that I was sorry for whatever I did, knelt in tears in front of a person who acted like a small child, who even then did not show mercy but continued to act like that as throughout my life. I didn't feel humiliated even when that person wanted to hit me in the head with a wood for dropping the pot, as always I felt guilty for every mistake I made, because every mistake I made would mostly create great drama and quarrel (in case anyone wonders why I'm so scared mistakes and why I punish myself for every mistake, I just continue as it started). I didn’t feel humiliated for letting someone continue to treat me like I was an ungrateful brat, nor because I took on more things than I could handle. For everything, I get the answer "What I went through in my life, yet I wasn't like that" or a turn to topics I've been hearing about every morning for years, with a shout that can turn into an argument if anyone says something contrary to the person in question's opinion. I didn't feel humiliated for such things, but I did when they were ashamed of my dressing and appearance, when they were ashamed of my behavior, when they used what hurts me against me, when they said they didn't need me and that I could leave, when they called me incapable of life and work. Now, when it is already obvious how this will end, when it is too late to find a completely new path and turn to other people, there is no more use of me and I am becoming a burden, to which more and more frequent nervous breakdowns and anger contribute. I'm not able to let another stranger into my life, I maintain good relationships on the Internet, but in real life I don't want another person permanently, I can't go through that again. I can't stand intimacy mentally, and the truth is that there is no person in my life with whom I truly enjoy spending time, every interaction has become a kind of basic respect and obligation, but I don't enjoy spending time with people, and I don't want one more round of that. This is especially true for relationships, I already know that sooner or later I would experience humiliation if that person was bothered by something, especially if it comes to appearance, I have already written about humiliation during school due to being overweight and I would not repeat myself on this occasion, wrote about it in stories. I feel like crying at the very thought of someone commenting on my appearance (in any sense, irrelevant positively or negatively, I hate both compliments and criticism about it), I am so overwhelmed by a heavy feeling that I can't stand myself and I'd rather immediately liquidate myself so that the world would never see such a horrible creature again, when I already bother someone so much. And, here it is, automatically thinking about it brings me to a psychotic phase, and then to the already mentioned nervous breakdown.

 Recently, a customer insulted things from the house I sell (for the purchase of basic groceries and stuff, in winter it is our only source of income and means no matter how little it was), calling them "just a garbage, they are good only for the dumpster", almost ruining the chance to sell more things, I started to get scared to sell anything because I am afraid that the buyer will be dissatisfied again even though I am selling for a minimal price. The loss was repaired for that man, although he probably wanted to resell things for a higher price, so far I didn't want to deceive anyone, so I won't now, but the feeling of humiliation will remain with me for a long time. I don't like to talk and write about it, but we live in difficult conditions, we don't even have drinking water (we bring it in a plastic balloons), while we bring washing water from an old pump full of sand due to a shorter pipe, because our relatives needed pipe that was installed before (well, when they already took the windows and used our property without question, why not this one too), and the house is full of various things that we tried to save from decay, so it is impossible to keep things to be like new. Luckily, depression has reduced my attachment to things, and potential suicide reminds me that no one will even worry about it after my death, so I want to "adopt" as much as I can before that moment. It is very difficult for me that they humiliate me even for that minimum price or they want me to lower the price even more, especially because I have never asked for a discount regardless of my financial situation; if I have money for it - I buy, if I don't - I wait to earn or give up shopping. It seems that it is smarter for us poor people to simply give to the richer than us, they need something more, we are used to not having many things anyway. We are not for beautiful things because it quickly gots destroyed with us, we cannot keep it. For that reason, I put my personal collection of symphonic metal CDs on a sale, which I enthusiastically bought when I earned some money, I'm afraid that it will decay with me, so at least I'm not at a loss, I don't have the luxury of making useless expenses.

I have a terrible habit of reading comments on posts, videos, news, articles and similar things, I'm interested in what other people think about the topic. Although the more liberal comments that support empathy provoke a positive reaction, reminding me that there are still reasonable individuals of the species homosapiens, most of the comments annoy me, throw me into despair, leave me wondering and make me think if it is possible that there are such beings that base their opinion on unreasonable hatred or cynicism, and in general they are allowed to go through with such things, as if the most normal phenomenon is to insult someone you don't know at all, and with a dose of sadism. Celebrities also propagate that "there are various comments, and whoever wants to do public work must learn to deal with it." No, ladies and gentlemen, we should not get used to it, but we should curb such encouraged sadistic behavior of the society. It's one thing when someone doesn't like your acting, your performance of a song, how you run a show, your artwork or whatever you do, and for that you give some constructive criticism (although I think that life can go on and without those critics who are looking for "hair in the egg", as we Serbs use to say for people who are perfectionists towards others, but fine), and quite another when they start calling out your appearance, your private life, family, your past. With  such comments we can somehow close our eyes to strong grammatical errors (well, fine, I pretend to close my eyes, but that's because Serbian has been one of my favorite subjects since elementary school, the only subject where I was among the best in the class in primary school, don't be so harsh for me about English, tho 🙊), although it is disappointing to see how many young people do not know some basic things (such as writing adjectives and nouns together with the word "no" in Serbian, and verbs separately, except for the verbs neću (I don't want), nemoj (don't), nemam (I don't have), nisam (I wasn't), nestati (disappear), nedostajati (to miss) and their forms changed by pronouns), but I am very worried about the amount of hatred on all social networks and news portals; if all this is a reflection of the true state of the human psyche, then this society is at the very bottom of humanity, and the situation "live" does not improve the average. Some of these comments, none of which were sent directly to me (I also get some comments, but rarely because I avoid interactions because I get upset easily), automatically drain my energy, upset me for a long time (for a few days ... Or a few months, I broke down so much mentally) or they bring me into a psychotic phase, because I perceive them as the honest opinion of a person, and I consider everyone's opinion important and all people equal.

 Some time ago, I witnessed an awkward commentary section where some users wrote various awful comments to the girl of age 10-12 on Tik Tok, including killing herselves and slitting her wrists, all because she posted video clips with dolls (I think it's cute, even at the age of 26 I run "Katarina i Kompanija" because it calms me down and encourages creativity). I noticed that she defended herself better than I did in those years (I hope that she will stay so strong and that it doesn't affect her that much), but it's not okay for such a young person to read such things. I understand that young people think that it is desirable to behave like an adult, thus completely rejecting almost everything that has to do with childhood (each generation does it one way or another, but it becomes sick that it is expected at an younger age, these children no longer have a childhood), and they think that generations older than them are "cringe" and that they will never be like that at their age (technically, if we exclude current living conditions and advances in technology, we all come to the same things as previous generations because that's how life works, time passes whether you like it or not), but don't rush to be older than you are, you will never return that time. As for me personally, I spent my childhood mostly alone (or in the company of the elderly), between my imaginary world with dolls and this world where there were always some problems, so I didn't fit in with other children because of too serious approach to life, then became a half-dead person whose psyche had eaten ten of the "best" years of her life, so I was never really a child or a teenager, nor am I now a young adult starting my own life, and yet I understand them all to some degree, without condemnation. I understand all generations and their dilemmas and fears, from people who are worried of choosing the right path and whether it is too late to change something, to those who notice the (first) signs of aging and become desperate because of it, and there is fear of the inevitable death, especially when the age of sixty passes (younger people die too, but from the age of sixty a person begins to feel that old age is catching up with him, I can see from my father). We all get to the same things, we live our lives and then that life expires. My life has been on a dusty shelf for ten years and has never been used, because the content has been permanently damaged I will have to throw it away. I guess that in these newspaper articles will be some fool who never met me to one day comment on my family, habits, life and what not, because in this country every tragedy seems to mean gathering of "scholars" who will give their "expertise" on a current topic, whose actors are people they have never seen in their lives, about whom they know nothing, and maybe they will blame someone who is really not guilty. In this case, it's only my fault, no one forced me to develop into an overly sensitive being. Blessed are the egoists and sadists who do not think of humiliating and hurting others, you will outlive all of us hypersensitive fools who value your opinion and consider you equal members of society, although you will always see us only as whiners unworthy of life because, for God's sake, we do not know to stand up for ourselves. You are right, it is better for us to completely change and thus please you, or to die if we can "get stronger", instead of you stopping violating the law of insult and discrimination that almost every republic in the world has. It is in vain that law exist when no one respects it, it seems that it is really impossible to escape from the primitive instincts for conflict, despite the logic and empathy that was given to us. Do what you want, pity only for some new generations that will not get through this better than me, they will grow up in a cyber world where supposedly everyone condemns bullying in front of others, and then masks fall and the worst sides of what we call the human mind come out. Good luck with that, it won't be easy for you.