Accumulated bitterness

I've never been a fan of social media; even if I was occupied with something on them for a short period of time, it was fleeting and I would quickly get bored. It probably helps that I'm not inclined to obsessively monitor what's happening in other people's lives and I don't like someone monitoring me, I even consider it pointless to follow people who belong to a long past period without any current matches, a good example of this is following people from schools with which we have no common interests, place of residence, in the meantime personalities have also changed (as children we have completely different priorities and everything mostly revolves around school, it is unnecessary to actively maintain such relationships in the present, especially if there have been some problems with the persons in question). I don't like to add people I know from real life on social media, I feel like I constantly have to "censor" myself and I don't need information about their movements and actions, I don't work for the police to know all that. If I didn't post art/projects I wouldn't have social media, that's for sure. Lately, I don't even take my "selfies" because I'm not a representative example of a female homosapiens and I don't care about self-promotion, I don't travel anywhere, I don't have lunch in restaurants (and even when I prepare something better, I don't take pictures for social media, who cares what I had for lunch today), I don't feel like posting a picture of every stupid thing I do during the day - I don't have time to take a picture and waste time on it. I just don't feel like interacting with people anymore, I wish I could remove everybody from me because everything started to seem bizarre and empty. Due to avoidant personality disorder, from time to time I either completely delete a profile or remove people from them, only once some guy from Facebook I don't know in real life complained about it - the others barely noticed, including the ones I know. Honestly, I don't even care if everyone is protesting, I feel like pushing everybody away from me, especially those who remind me of my past place of life. Nostalgia certainly doesn't "catch" me, on the contrary, wish I could at least forget the events from my ex-town; I wrote about what happened and now I want to leave that period in the past where it belongs, I worry about the present and the future and I don't want to think about the past anymore. I watched some video clips about elementary school about ten weeks ago in order to face some of my emotions, while I was watching I realized that all that doesn't mean anything to me anymore, even everything about that place seems uninteresting to me from this position. That's a good sign, it means that maybe I'll at least put that topic aside and it won't haunt me so much. I may have to remove people who remind me and bring me back to that period (although I have mentioned several times that I don't want to hear anything about it anymore, I only face the memories when I feel the need and don't want to randomly hear it from the others), it would be difficult but inevitable.

  As you can see from the blog, I have been working on the second part of the story "Team Blume", I have barely finished it because I have been taking care of my father for weeks now, his condition has worsened a lot. I don't sleep well at night, I eat less than before, we can't work for weeks because the work depends mostly on my father, and I can't find another job so that we can repay debts. I noticed that my health condition is getting worse and worse, especially heart and brain, I already mentioned that I have problems with my psyche and this is making me to want to kill myself even more, I am worried that this will continue to happen. Even if he survives the winter, I worry about how we will do then, I worry that moment that we try to delay is approaching. In July they had a traffic accident, the tow truck did not return the trailer to its lane and damaged our truck that we recently bought and for which we have not yet paid back the debts, while the electricity bill is only increasing because it has not been paid at all for months. Our business started solidly and suddenly it stopped, some customers caused us additional expenses because they ordered the wrong type of pots, so we bought molds in vain to finish them as soon as possible (the order was worth as much as the debt and by now we would have returned everything if they didn't ruin it with their mistake, I'm sick of such customers - they won't starve because of that mistake, we're the ones who barely buy bread because of it). We spent all the money from the last tour on basic food and medicine, we were left with nothing. In this period, I really feel like telling to go to hell to anyone who wants me to play their therapist, I don't like that even when things are less turbulent, but now I don't have any empathy or nerves for it. I've noticed that none of the people I communicate with would bother with my problems, every single time ends up with my problems being too complicated and difficult for them, but I'm expected to be an understanding counselor for everyone. I don't give a damn, that's it. They know where to find me when they need another person to whom they can write about their activities and thoughts even though they already have a circle of real-life people to tell the same to, while I don't have any real-life friends and such to tell my stuff to (honestly, I realized that I don't even need people to bother them with my life, they don't care about other people's information unless they can benefit from it). I feel like a bad person because of that, but I really can't take it anymore, I'm sick of thinking about people I haven't had contact with in real life for a long time or actively caring about someone I've never even met. What am I trying for and what do I get for it? While I'm sitting next to my seriously ill father, I realize that I don't need friends and that I've never really had any use of the so-called "friendships", the only people I always stayed with are my parents, no matter what happened. Other relationships in my life have become irrelevant.

   I unfollowed and removed from followers list quite a few people, even on Wattpad where I had about 130 people; no difference except I get less notifications and information, I don't see what's so special about having a bunch of followers who don't even care about your posts. Social networks and their concept are very boring to me as far as their current purpose is concerned, they are supposed to be for accepting someone but in fact they are for self-promotion, monitoring others and making fun of them. And no, I don't want some irrelevant person from my life looking for my profile to "see what I'm doing", I didn't even make that profile for them and that's not their problem, I'm not interested in their lives either and I don't want certain people to read the information and then to talk about it there in my town of birth - I don't want them to know if I'm alive, where I live and what I do. I don't want it, just leave me alone, I don't give a damn for the past and most of the people from the past. I hardly miss anyone and hardly anyone I would like to meet again, that's how much I care about most of those people and about that town  which we left because we had to. You have no right to mention me, you said what you had, you said too much while humiliating me. At least don't mention me anymore, my life is not your problem. I don't know if it's because of the current resentment and family-financial problems, or if it's a regular feeling that I usually hide somewhere inside me so as not to offend others, but I really can't stand any more interaction and everything that comes with it. I'm frustrated by the fact that I've been doing this job for years, and someone persistently tells me in conversation that I should get a (official) job as if I'm a lazy person who just sits and does nothing (please do this physical work without adequate nutrition when you're so smart), it frustrates me that we haven't get running water in the house for the seventh year already (it's very difficult to function without running water), it frustrates me that every time when it rains heavily we have a flood in the house, often there is a problem with electricity when wires are near water and the ceiling is quite wet and it can't dry up for days. It frustrates me when I see sick parents and we don't have money for doctors, it frustrates me that at the age of twenty-six I know that there is no positive future for me (the only thing these old people know is to talk about that topic is marriage, if I didn't come from a dysfunctional family you could somehow lie to me that it's the best thing anyone can do, anyone who mentions this damn thing to me should go to hell), it even frustrates me that I can't even kill myself with dignity and be done with this, I don't want anything anyway for ten years. I even completely stopped praticing singing, the only thing that gave me some energy, I feel like a soulless machine that only does housework and is mostly silent, this is much worse than if I killed myself with dignity before I came here. I hardly have any privacy, I don't have any desires anymore, it's mine to take care of others (including animals) and to think about what will happen to them. Who cares about all that? Family, acquaintances, "friends"? Many times I hurt myself more or even came close to the point of killing myself, I didn't write to anyone and talk about it at that moment - why would I? If I learned something the hard way during high school, it's that I can only get through everything by myself, no one else will be there. I will suffer the pain myself, I will wipe the blood myself, I will put bandage on the wound myself. Others, even when they knew a little bit of it, usually yelled at me, blamed me, or, as in the case of the person/persons in my high school class, gossiped about me around the class as if I was just looking for attention (if that's true, then I would have to put your case on the table. At least I tried to talk about a serious topic that could have cost me my life, and some others who labeled me as overdramatic talked about their own stuff in almost every class, so it's not smart to mess with me because I notice everything). Anyway, the fact that I'm actually completely alone and can't trust anyone partly removes the guilt I feel due to Avpd (avoidant personality disorder) and then I cut off contacts with ease, it's an additional wind at my back when I see that the other person doesn't even notice. Wish that certain people I can't stand anymore would leave me first, I already mentioned that I want to finish with the past because I don't need that burden either.

  I rarely use the Internet on the newer phone, I mostly read the news on the older one that belongs to my mother, I manage as much as I can for the Internet (the older phone consumes very little Internet and at the same time has a credit for calls). That news mostly frustrates me as well, I can't believe for what kind of things people are paying so much attention, as if the people have collectively gone crazy. Until a few days ago, they were only stuck on vacations, "tomato tourism" (when tourists take food from home country), popular destinations and damn sunbeds for which they literally fight from early in the morning, as if their life depended on those damn sunbeds. Everyone wants to present their illusion of a wealthy life by traveling, organizing big parties, decorating houses and apartments and then at the end whining about how they don't have money and expect you to feel sorry for them, and then I wonder what poor people like us are doing wrong when we often can't even afford the damn basics even when we're working. In our world, there are no trips (we have never even traveled anywhere on vacation, we work in the summer and save every coin in the winter), we neither make nor go to celebrations, we do not mark or celebrate anything other than making the holiday bread for the saint's day (we call it "slava"), only the most necessary things are bought for the house (always second-hand and/or as cheap as possible, as in the case of technology), no going out (I never went out to clubs or to hang out with friends, it's a good thing that I can't stand that activity so I don't spend money on it), no unplanned purchases (with that that someone doesn't really follow this rule, and I have to beg for several days for the food I need to cook lunch with). I have no great desires in life and I never desire great wealth; I would like to be able to afford a more varied diet, to pay electricity bill regularly, to have basic living conditions and to make savings for unforeseen circumstances, both positive and negative. In this way, every expense is something from which we cannot recover for a long time, and even when there is something cheap and good - we are not able to acquire it. I don't know, maybe from this position it's all unrealistic, we're falling into a worse and worse crisis as if someone cursed us, and I know that an even worse period is coming. I'm not jealous of anyone, but I am bitter about this situation and I can't hide it even if I wanted to. I know that my father is not getting any younger and that he is getting sicker so he will have to stop working, and my mother is not very well with her health either, I will eventually find another job (I am waiting for October for "My first salary" because that is the only place I have at least some chance) but I don't think it will change things much. Prices are getting higher, both for food and medicine and other things, many people complain that their salary is not enough for their individual needs, but for us it would be for the whole family (and animals). Well, I should at least get to that salary first, I hope there won't be any frivolous employers this year who won't hire me now that I really need a job. At least I'll know that I'm not applying in other places like last year, I wanted to save money for an apartment for the first month, but there's nothing left of that, anyway now I'll have to be as close as possible because of my father. I roughly know the future, but I don't know how it will be for him, and the further course of events depends on that. I only know that there should be no room for some people in my future, it's time for me to get a courage and say that "enough" no matter how much it hurts (it may be more painfull for me than them because of feeling guilty, but continuing something that should have been finished long ago hurts more in the long run). As my mother and I are talking - even if something happens to my father, we won't let anyone come to us and allow them to humiliate us, jerks only know that when they see women on their own. We don't want a bunch of people who would suddenly remember that they knew my father (or us if we die first), we wouldn't want anyone at that moment, and especially not "to respect someone". Who should we respect, why? We are threated as we aren't people, we shouldn't give a damn to respect them - they respect themselves much more than they should, they don't deserve our respect too. I will try to keep my father alive as long as possible, although I am a realist and I know that life is not eternal, I am aware of the situation. At the end of the day, we are alone anyway, powerless to change anything, no matter how much others convince us otherwise. I don't believe in any improvement for a long time, not after everything that happened, so my pessimistic realism and I will get away from those who only see me as some kind of therapist. The therapist is not working until further notice, she is in serious trouble that she has to carry on her back and there is no more room for someone else's burden - find someone else. I'd rather be alone to at least know what I'm up to, it's time to fully embrace my coldness - it seems in the end it's healthier to be an anti-social being without human contact than to struggle around others. I have nothing more to give you, look for someone else.